Jersey suburb of Philadelphia to Santa Fe, NM (at least for school):
[ul]
[li]Albuquerque is not a big city, nor is it ‘close’ to Santa Fe. It’s an hour away, for the love of Og! [/li][li]There are no trees. There are some large shrubs, and there are some coniferous trees. I like the desert, but life just feels empty without a nice, big oak or maple.[/li][li]You do not put green salsa on pizza. Nor, for that matter, should it be put on hot dogs, burgers, french fries, or anything else. But definitely on pizza.[/li][li]For that matter, all the pizza out here sucks, but the quality of the Mexican makes up for it.[/li][li]Everyone here is a little bit too relaxed. Deadlines are flexible, there’s no rush, just take your time. Buy a watch, and hurry up![/li][li]Cowboy boots. Everywhere.[/li][li]Not everything you wear needs to be bright and colorful. I’m from the east coast; please don’t try to tell me that I wear too much black.[/li][li]I’ve literally gotten sunburnt sitting outside for one hour - at 9 AM. There are no clouds, nor oxygen. [/li][/ul]
Philly to Seattle. I love the Emerald City, but please, pizza should have bubbles in the crust and slide down your arm. It should not be a health food and it should not have fruit on it.
Oh, and when it snowing, it’s probably better not to come to a complete stop at the bottom of Queen Anne Hill when you’re trying to drive up it.
[ul]
[li]They have you can’t get walleye here. wistful sigh [/li][li]They do have tornado sirens here. Except they’re not called “tornado sirens,” and they’re attached to the roofs of volunteer fire departments, and they go off at all hours of the day and night, usually (I’ve noticed) when there is no tornado. The good news is that I’ve gotten used to the sirens, and just sleep through them. The bad news is that when I go home, I’m going to go to sleep on a hot, ominously still, humid July night in Waukon and wake up in the middle of a field in Winnesheik County.[/li][li]People are so damn rude, especially clerks and counter staff. You’d think that their paychecks were docked five dollars every time they said “Please” or “Thank you,” and when they hand me my MacMeaty burger and I smile and say, “Thanks!” they look at me like I’m from Mars.[/li][li]I look with pity upon your sorry-ass, stunted corn. Your dirt, you see, it is no good. Please stop planting corn here. It just makes me sad.[/li][li]I’m so sick of people complaining the the winters here are so terribly, bitterly cold. Horse hooey. Call me when it stays below zero for more than one day.[/li][li]You know what’s nice about a proper, bitterly cold winter? It gets too cold to snow. As opposed to here, where it snows every day from October fifteenth to May third.[/li][/ul]
Detroit 'burb to Indianapolis (ah, where to begin . . .)
I love you, Indy, but you drive me nuts:
[ul]
[li]Speed it up, will ya? Service with a smile, but so slow, I can feel my cells crumbling.[/li][li]Slow down, fer crying out loud! You live in the city of the Big Race, but rehearsing on 465 isn’t necessary. You scare me.[/li][li]Getting a new Wal-Mart doesn’t mean civilization has come to your neighborhood. “Now we have some place to SHOP!” you say? What about all the little shops struggling?[/li][li]That pond isn’t a “lake.” If I can see across it to the other side, it’s a pond.[/li][li]When the forecast calls for 3 measly inches of snow, apparently this is a signal to all natives to stock up on bread, milk and gas up the car. They said three inches, not three feet. Trust me, it will be ok.[/li][li]And when we get that three inches, it would be really nice of the city to attempt to remove it. No, waiting until the spring melt doesn’t count.[/li][li]Having a college education doesn’t mean you’re an elitist snob with too much “book larnin’” for your own good. [/li][li]What’s with all the cicadas, anyway?[/li][/ul]
For some reason, Okies think of the Dallas Cowboys as their home football team. Even shows up in the local news broadcasts. WTF? If the average Oklahoman ever heard the shit that Texans talk about Oklahoma … well, they wouldn’t feel like it was “home.”
Many of these same guys consider themselves Southern. Another WTF? Oklahoma is the Heartland, not the South. Hell, I’m Texan and even I don’t consider myself as primarily Southern. Sure, I have Southern ways and attitudes, but I’m Texan, damnit! Texas is more Texas than anything else and is a different type of Southern than Alabama, Georgia, etc… And yet these Midwestern guys in OKC think they’re Southern? Whatever…
Hey! Guess what! I bet I got more Native American heritage than you do! I don’t bring it up every other conversation, tho. Hell, in Oklahoma, if you don’t have some Indian blood, then you probably immigrated from Cuba in the '80s, so it’s no big deal in the first place. It’s not some badge of honor, it’s just family. You don’t have much control over who your family is.
Commercials for churches!? Are you kidding me? SPEND THE MONEY ON ACTUALLY FEEDING THE KIDS, LARRY JONES!!! Gah!!! (Larry Jones runs a religious charity in OKC called Feed the Children.)
I grew up in Queens, New York, and have lived in Austin, Texas since 1986.
On the whole, I love Austin… but since I was invited to trash Austin rather than to praise it, here are my gripes:
You can’t get through a day here without someone giving you a long lecture about how great Austin USED to be before you or I got here. Mostly, it’s old hippie types who miss the days when they had long hair on TOP of their heads, instead of just pathetic ponytails in the back, when they spent all their time smoking weed and listening to Janis Joplin.
I admit, it must’ve been phenomenal weed if it could make Janis Joplin sound good.
And I swear, I will throttle the next person who whines that "Austin just hasn’t been the same since they closed down the Armadillo (the Armadillo World Headquarters, a concert venue, if you’re not familiar with it).
Austin proclaims itself the Live Music Capital of the World. Feh! There are a lot of bands, that’s true, but practically all of them suck.
Way too many restaurants and retail stores are staffed by members of the aforementioned horrible bands. These guys all think they’re way too brilliant and talented to be working real jobs and waiting on a philistine nobody like you, and give you a lot of attitude when all you want to do is order lunch or buy something.
Like many Sun Belt cities, there are way too many places in Austin where there are no sidewalks, where it’s difficult or impossible to walk even to places that are fairly close by. In New York, I walked almost everywhere in my old neighborhood. Here, I hardly walk anywhere, because I’d often be forced to walk in the street or on a thin strip of grass between the street and a drainage ditch.
Ames, IA, to Westchester County, NY (15 years now):
The Italian Food Event Horizon. This is a phenomenon unique to NYC’s northern suburbs, wherein most fair-to-middling non-Italian restaurants eventually go bust, to be replaced by mediocre-to-poor Italian ones. Either this is part of some master plan to dispel the stereotype that Italian-Americans are naturally good cooks, or there is a lot of money around in need of laundering.
Postage Stamp Mansions. Can anybody tell me what (if anything) goes on in the mind of a person who decides to spend $2.3 million building a 14-room house on a quarter-acre lot? Do they ever plan to look out a window? If so, do they really want to see straight into the bedrooms and kitchens of the very same neighbors they go out of their way to avoid any unnecessary contact with outside the home?
Special Driving Rules.
a) The primary use of the horn is to greet friends as they pass by in their own cars. A secondary use is to express frustration with drivers who do not pull out into traffic as heedlessly as you would wish.
b) As a courtesy to others who may be pressed for time, maintain a minimum speed of 20 mph in parking lots (15 mph when backing out).
c) Road signage that is tiny, illegible or vague helps fund your local public safety departments. Obey the signs when you can, but when your time comes to pay that ticket, do so gratefully.
Driving: I’m happy Bubba that you have a really, really big truck. That does give you the right to tailgate.
Religion: Yes, I know I’m going to Hell. Thanks for reminding me on a daily basis.
Politics Yes, I know that all gays should leave the state because Mr. Perry said so. I’m happy that you will let American Airlines dictate to Southwest Airlines where they should be allowed to fly.
Literacy I know that “book learnin” ain’t good for nothin…but can you please fund the libraries anyway?
W stickers Yes, I know Bush won. The election was last year. By the way, those car magnets do look really tacky.
Weather I’m sure it will drop below 90 degrees one day. That’ll probably be the day I move out of the place.
That FLAG!! Umm, the Alamo is over. That Texas flag which you display everywhere might make great toliet paper for all the useless shit that comes out of your mouth!
-How often is it really necessary to shut down downtown or part of some major thoroughfare for a marathon/walkathon? I once missed a kendo lesson because some damn marathon wouldn’t let me cross Riverside at any convenient point.
From rural upstate New York near Buffalo to Center City Philadelphia;
-Those three white flakes from the sky are not a natural disaster. I’m from Buffalo, trust me I can drive in this shit.
-STFU outside my window at 3:00am. I’m on the fourth floor and it sounds like you are next to my head shouting in the streets.
-What is this bit of meat on a bone with hot sauce that tastes more like ketchup than anything from a pepper? It certainly isn’t a chicken wing.
-Every morning the traffic guy on the radio mentions that the Schuylkill expressway is backed up at the Conshohocken curve. Well no shit, the day that doesn’t happen you can talk about it.
-Don’t ever firebomb a whole city block again M’kay?
-Domino’s is not pizza. It’s a quick snack when you have exhausted all other options or are too drunk to care.
-This is the only city on the planet where I’ve seen people parallel park down the center of a four lane street. Anyplace else it’s a turn only lane, here they park there.
-Because of no left turns allowed at some intersections and one way streets I sound like a lunatic when I give directions to my apartment. It involves FIVE right hand turns in a row.
-There are other football teams than the Iggles. The Monday paper during football season is 7 pages of the Iggles and 1/4 page of the other 14 games played.
-Beer is good, beer is nice, why can’t I buy it in a Wawa?
Thank Og I’m back home, I do miss the cheesesteaks (from Geno’s, fuck Pat’s.)
[ul]
[li]They do have tornado sirens here. Except they’re not called “tornado sirens,” and they’re attached to the roofs of volunteer fire departments, and they go off at all hours of the day and night, usually (I’ve noticed) when there is no tornado. [/ul][/li][/QUOTE]
My dad was a volunteer fireman; the airhorn blasts are actually to let the volunteers know there IS a fire and they need to hie on down to the station. IIRC the number of blasts has something to do with what type of fire it is.
Hey dere! I’m a Milwaukee, WI to Boston, Ma (via Baltimore) Overall, I really like it here, but …
The states here are fucking tiny! You call that a state? Pshaw, we have counties bigger than that!
Whoever designed the roads was on crack.
All drivers are likewise on crack.
Why the fuck should I have to pay extra to get rice with my Chinese food??? Spend fucking 20 cents and give me some rice, you cheap-ass bastards.
Don’t complain when Spring isn’t warm and sunny. Spring’s supposed to be cool and rainy; it’s Spring, not Summer! What is up with these people’s short term memories? Yes, it’s “only” 40 degrees. A month ago it was 15 degrees and windy, or don’t you remember?
Don’t get all pissed 'cuz the receptionist doesn’t know who “Ahtty” is. Maybe if you’d asked for “Arty,” she’d have been more helpful.
Yeah, it’s fun to get all excited about the Red Sox, but it’s not worth fucking rioting!
I never thought I’d miss the “too cold to snow” weather in Northern NY, but here in the Albany area, they get more snow than I care to deal with. About 3 winters in a row, we’ve had 2-3 foot snowstorms a couple of times during each season.
I’m not real big on cold, but I’m REALLY not big on all this snow.
I’ve got another local broadcaster’s rant: Stop calling it “the white stuff”. You’re not being cute or clever.
You know what? I want to see Bob Kovachik, Steve Capparizzo and Steve LaPointe in hand-to-hand combat a la Anchorman.
We did that in Pittsburgh, where I grew up. Although from what my sister tells me, you just don’t see it too often anymore.
As for Hampton Roads (Norfolk/Virginia Beach) Virginia -
Most businesses close, schools let out, and the roads get clogged with abandoned cars when more than a half-inch of snow falls. Rinse, lather and repeat for two days after the snow has melted.
Yo, Virginia Beach. Why are you surprised, hurt and shocked that BRAC is wanting to close your biggest Naval Base after you’ve let your real estate buddies build condos all the way up to the fence of the runway? You’ve been told all along that you can’t build homes under the approach paths to the Training Base that jet fighters use 20 hours a day. And stop letting the hotel and bar owners at the Oceanfront tell you how to run the whole city.
Norfolk, where do I begin? You complain about high crime in areas where the police never set foot. You take a perfectly good mall on the harbor, and then turn it into a building full of bars. Bad chain bars at that. You demand that a homeless shelter be moved from the place it’s been for decades, then disapprove every request to relocate it. This is your five-year plan to combat homelessness? And you will never ever get a major league franchise in here if you try to do it by yourself, not even hockey. Get the other surrounding cities together and present a unified front. Face it, the Scope is one year away from collapsing during an Ice Capades show, and you just don’t have room anywhere within the city limits to build a new facility.
You call this Italian food? Old Polish women from the South Side make better lasagne than your “best” Italian restaurant down here.
I’ve been down here since 1985. Why did it take you guys until 5 years ago to start serving Yuengling!?!? Do you realize how thirsty I got waiting?
Pennsylvania politicians are crooks. Virginia politicians are dumb crooks. Southeastern Virginia politicians are dumb crooks that pout when they’re caught with their hands in the cookie jars.
And I thought Penn DOT was corrupt until I saw the Masterpiece of Graft that is I-64 in Newport News. Breathtaking, it is.
Just what the hell is a NEWS anyway? Yeah yeah, I know the official explanation. But it’s a dumb name. Change it.
Um, yes, sweetie, I know that. After first couple of times the siren went off when it was clear and sunny out (and not 10 AM on the first Tuesday of the month) and the siren was followed after 10 or 15 minutes by firetrucks flying down the road with their lights and sirens on, I figured it out. But thanks.
Deep fried bananas
Deep fried mini donuts
Deep fried Corn on the cob
Deep fried snickers bar
Deep fried Oreos
Deep fried milkey ways
Deep fried cheese curds
Deep fried twinkees
Deep fried pickles
Deep fried mac and cheese
Deep fried chocolate bananas
Deep fried pork chops
Deep fried reubens
Mind you, I love Chicagoland, but I do have a few gripes.
City in southeastern Wisconsin to Chicago (well, suburbs, though I work downtown), IL:
In a three-lane (each way) highway, the middle lane should not be the freaking slow lane. Slow people who hang out in the middle lane end up jamming up traffic because the fast people have only one lane to try to sneak through on the left, or dodge the onramp mergers while zipping past the slow vehicles. That’s why slow vehicles are supposed to be in that lane, as they can adjust their speed to mergers more readily! Sheesh.
I live maybe an hour from the Wisconsin border. Why the hell don’t we have cheese curds in this state? Is there some kind of embargo on importing them? Does this explain the existence of all of the cheese shops along the border, so that jonesing expatriates living south of the border can hop over for a cheese run?
It’s soda, dammit. Not pop. Even my born-and-raised-in-Chicagoland husband thinks that makes sense.
Would you people pay attention to the goddamned left turn signals? The reason why everyone cuts through when the left arrow has long turned red is because of you slackers at the front of the line who are zoning out/paying more attention to your cell phone/picking your nose/whatever, as everyone screams behind you for you to wake up. Then the guy a few cars back will cut through the intersection on the red because he should have been through already.
Gripes sent back to Wisconsin:
Tollroads wouldn’t kill you. At least you’d have well-maintained roads then. What the hell are you doing with those huge property taxes if not fixing the roads?
Learn how to freaking merge! The onramps are for accelerating on and matching speed with traffic, not for traveling at non-highway speeds, shoving your way in front of the highway-speed traffic (or worse yet, stopping at the bottom of the onramp until you see a huge gap) and making them all hit their brakes, and only then slowly working up to 55/65.
