Transsexual Etiquette

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I work in a fairly large workplace, probably about 8-10 thousand at any one time. The law of averages says that somewhere among the crowd ought to be a transsexual. Sure enough, we’ve got one (M to F, nobody’s really sure what stage, sort of a Schroedinger’s penis), working not too far from me.

Now I’m a pretty open minded guy, I even got through the TMI thread without getting offended. I believe that if you think you were born with the wrong set of plumbing, and you are really, really sure, you ought to able to do something about it.

That having been said, I’m stumped. I just don’t know how to behave around this guy/girl. I really want to be able to treat them fairly and not make a big deal of it, but that’s tough 'cause this person happens to be a real prick (yeah, I know, easy shot). Personality-wise, he/she is about as friendly as a hemorrhoidal badger.

Normally my response to someone who acts like this would be to let the derision fly and mock at will. However, said TS also happens to be extremely touchy. He/she told their female boss that they would be wearing a dress on the following day. Boss’ response: “I’ll sell tickets” -> Boss loses job.

Thankfully I don’t have to deal with this person too often. We work near each other, but not together. So it’s more of a passing-each-other-near-the-coffe-mess type of thing. My game plan is too pretty much avoid them whenever possible, because I have a tendency to talk-first, ask questions later (There is no Preview button in life). Last thing I need is too casually toss out a “How’s it hanging?”.

What would you do in a situation like this?

2

pcubed:

Why not just politely say “hello” or do a wave or head-nod, and if he/she engages you in conversation, answer all questions straight to the point without digression? I don’t see how you could go wrong there.

BTW, you ensured a smile on my face for the next few days with your coining of the phrase “Shroedinger’s penis.” There’s a great user-name waiting to be adopted. Or, as Dave Barry would say, great name for a rock band. :smiley:

3

To put it simply use the word she and treat the person like a woman. Treating the person as a freak is a bad idea.

4

First of all, she is not “he/she,” she is a she. Start treating her as such.

Secondly, if you must think of her as “a guy in a dress,” surely that’s not the strangest thing you’ve ever encountered in your life? By my standards, that’s just boring.

Thirdly, if you’re asking for advice on how to treat her like you would treat anyone else, you’re the one with the problem. My suggestion? Treat her like everyone else. And if she’s a bitch, she’s a bitch - avoid her like you would any other bitch in the office.

Finally, I don’t think her boss telling her “I’ll sell tickets” could be considered “sensitive.” That was a totally inappropriate remark and he deserved to get reprimanded for it.

Esprix

5

(Emphasis mine).

Uh, guy, do you think perhaps this gal is bitchy and touchy because she spends all day dealing with a**holes commenting on her package, or making snide comments about her dress/appearance, or thinking that her *personal business is open for public discussion/ridicule or acting like overgrown baboons?

I spose it’s good that you’re looking for advice in this situation where you clearly do not have a clue, but why don’t you start with something basic like compassion. This gal is just a person like everyone else - treat her as such and you’ll do just fine.

*BTW - I appreciate that she’s making a fairly big change here, in a rather public way, but its still her business, and no more appropriate for discussion than if I decided to get a breast job - you’d still be out of line bringing it up as though it were a joke.

6

Yeah, but c’mon, for those of us who’ve led the “straight arrow” life, it’s a bit out of the norm. I mean, I majored in English to nearly a Ph.D., and I’d say that someone with severe Turrets was more common than a M to F crossdresser.

If I might say so, Esprix, you’re probably not the best judge of strange for most of us around here. You keep asking people to empathize with your position; you might try a little of that yourself.

7

Or maybe stofsky they didn’t tell you that they were because its none of your buisness. Most don’t tell people as they don’t have to.

8

Whoa whoa whoa.

Hold the phone.

One giant step back.

I want to empathize with her. If you insist I will call her her. I would love nothing better than to be friends with her, but she’s not a nice person. I realize I left a lot of detail out, and from what I’ve heard he had a tough life before the change, but that doesn’t change the fact the she’s a pain. I’m willing to meet her half-way, but she has to want to try. Esprix says I should treat her like everyone else. That would definitely get me into trouble. If I try too hard to be nice, I’ll get accused of patronizing.

As far as "making snide comments about her dress/appearance, I don’t. Re-read my post. I called her a bitch, but never said word one about the way she dressed. My issue is personality not looks.

As far as my jokes go, you see this is why I try to avoid her. My brain comes up with a line before my mind processes. If I have offended anyone, well, I’m sorry.
But, what do expect from an asshole without a clue.

9

I would deal with her in a “business only” manner. That’s how I deal with people I must work with whom I dislike. Any sexual identity issues that person might have has nothing to do with it.

10

Number Six has it right: be businesslike. And as Chaim said, answer all questions straight to the point without digression.

IMHO, someone who would like some compassion and understanding ought to be giving it out where possible. That goes in spades for someone choosing to go through a sex change.

A person being a general jerk while following such a path is a loaded hand grenade. All of us have moments when our mouths tend to outrun our brains. And all of us will occasionally reach for a zinger against a jerk, and use it before we’ve had a chance to realize what we’ve said. Only with this person, a lot of said zingers are gonna be inappropriate. And this person’s gonna call you on them, in all likelihood, through official channels.

Your object, pcubed, is to minimize your contact with this person, and minimize this person’s awareness of you, thereby minimizing your risk. Keep all conversations brief, minimal, to the point, bye.

11

No. Never. Do not do this.

I don’t know how strongly I can emphasize this. This person has been going through hell for a long time. Don’t be one of those who only adds to it.

I’ve stayed out of all TS-related threads until now, simply because a friend of ours has been going through exactly what you’re describing, and it has not always been pretty. We, and other friends, have been supportive, but the co-workers weren’t necessarily.

Still, she persevered, and just this past week, had her surgery. And I say, good for her!

But based on what we saw in our friend, your co-worker not only doesn’t need mocking and derision, but she needs co-workers who see her as a woman and who treat her as such–even if they are not in direct contact with her every day. That includes such things as “Morning, Susan,” when you used to say, “Morning, Bob,” and not publicly wondering which washroom she is using today. In short, treating her as you would any woman at work.

No matter what her personality is like (and perhaps her work persona is due to what she puts up with daily as a result of being TS), she is going through a difficult time, and would no doubt like to minimize any stress. Don’t contribute to her stress in any way–it was a major step to get to where she is; that is, presenting as a woman at work. Be businesslike, as has been stated, and treat her as you would any woman in the workplace.

If it makes you feel better to avoid her, do so. If you cannot avoid her, use her feminine name and the feminine pronoun when she is presenting as a woman. She may well thank you for it later.

'Nuff said for now.

12

I am. Who cares if it’s a woman, a man, a woman who used to be a man, a guy in a dress, a hippie, a lounge singer, someone who smells funny, or an alien disguised as a human to infiltrate his corporate hemogeny and take over the world? As long as she does her job, no one’s asking him to ask her to marry him. And, if she’s a jerk, then, as stated above, treat her with professional gloves - anything else is wholly inappropriate.

I don’t see what the big deal is.

Esprix

13

It’s holding.

Ooops - that was my fault. I’m not suggesting that YOU were doing this, but I’m willing to bet that many, many people are. I have no doubt that this woman has to deal with lots of jerks, on a daily basis - I’m just suggesting that you take this into consideration when judging her personality and relative “bitchyness”.

Again - ooops. I do think that you don’t have a clue in this regard - you said as much yourself. I don’t think you’re being an asshole - that was directed at the nameless/faceless masses who believe allowing women to wear slacks is progressive.

My suggestion is this - imagine that your wife/girlfriend/sister/mother needed to have substantial breast reduction surgery, which would be very apparent to those around her. Treat this woman the way you would want your loved one treated - respectfully, compassionatly, etc. You don’t have to be her best chum, but if you’re avoiding her like the plague at least try to be subtle about it.

Al.

14

I think everyone should have a little more respect for others opinions and or reactions. ON BOTH sides. Where I work there have been 3-4 transexuals (or in the process of) that I know of. Doesn’t bother me. When I first started working there, one of the floor supervisors was a guy in the making of a woman. I swear to god there was not anyone smarter about computers (tech support job) in the entire place, the person was amazing. I took all my questions to him, as I knew he could answer anything. I soon begain to chat with him occasionally about day to day work stuff, any other co-worker stuff. I also became very good friends with a female co worker that he was very close friends with. She told me about his trial and tribulation (she knew I wouldnt be objective or anything) and it was so sad what he had to go through. Eventually he changed his name tag to Carrie Marie, most people still called him “john” but my friend told me that he wanted to be called Carrie more then anything and was being offended at “john”, so I called him carrie. No slack off MY back! He/she was a good person whatever she wanted was fine by me. I dont know how far “he’s” gotten with his sex change, and its none of my bussiness but now he is working in another department and dresses entirely as a woman all the time and has breasts. I still talk and chat in the halls when passing when I can. When he left our dept for another he wrote an email to the dept thanking his friends and he thanked me for always being so nice. I was proud to be mentioned. He is a great person with a brilliant mind. Thats what matters.

15

I had this long-winded reply written, complete with 27 8x10 color glossy pictures with
circles and arrows, and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was.
But when I went to preview the server was down for maintenance and I lost the post.

Short version: No offense intended. When I said mockery was my normal response, I meant to
buttheads, not to those undergoing gender reassignment. But therein lies the root of my
conflict. If I treat her with kid gloves, then I’m not treating her like everyone else. But,
if I call her on it, then I’ll be accused of not being sensitive to the transgendered.

Thanks for the input and education.

16

I see where you’re coming from, but I believe there is a difference between “I find you to be a difficult co-worker because of your beligerent attitude” and “If you still had balls maybe you’d be a better person.” You can take issue with her attitude without bringing her sexual identity into it.

When you have a disagreement and/or butt heads with a female co-worker, do you mock her breasts, make reference to PMS or say, “All she needs is a good bang?” If you don’t, then you’re not treating this particular co-worker any differently; if you do, then you’re a jerk yourself.

Esprix