I love my boss. She is hands-down the best department manager I have ever had in my working life, and it took some getting used to when she told us of her plans to marry her partner.
So I have a question: While I understand her decision and support it, I still find myself relating to her as a man does to a woman. She is very attractive, and I still give her a hug and use the terms of affection I used with her before she told us the news. (I am quite a bit older than she is, and those terms of affection are very general ones - Hon, Sweetie, etc - and they don’t seem to be an issue, and anyway, that’s just the kind of guy I am).
I am certain that if I just came right out and asked her, she would take it in stride and not hold it against me that I asked, but I thought I’d sound y’all out about it first.
My plan is not to change a thing. I still will hold a door for her, compliment her on her hair or clothes and use those terms of affection.
But I couldn’t help but wonder if this is ettiquette-dly correct or is anything else expected?
That came out a little harsh. I mean, you should treat everybody in a way that makes them comfortable. If you treat all women like that, fine. If you treat a woman differently because it makes her uncomfortable that you call her “hon”, that’s fine too. I don’t see why you’d change the way you acted around somebody because of their orientation and no other reason, is all.
You call your boss hon and sweetie?
Her life “style” is her own business, no? Be flattered that she wanted to share her good news with you and continue to act as you always did. But cut the sweetie stuff. Just my 2 cents.
You used the term “partner” so at first I assumed she was a lesbian, but I am quite sure they can’t get married in either Georgia or Texas, so I will presume she is marrying a man, although I may be wrong.
On the one hand, an establishe working relationship shouldn’t be changed just because she got married, but on the other hand, “Hon” and “Sweetie” have no business in a professional setting.
was her anouncement a general thing, or do you suspect she might be letting you, or others know because she wants something to change? i would probably pick a neutral time and say "hey, i’m a litle bit supid that way but would you prefer yadda yadda yadda?
I’ve never actually met someone who could refer to strangers/casual acquaintances as “hon” or “sweetie” without sounding massively condescending. You may very well be the exception, but just in case, I’d drop the cutesy nicknames at work.
How this relates to her impending nuptials escapes me, though.
Add me to the ranks of those who are mystified that you would believe that it’s right to stop performing acts of common courtesy like holding a door for someone because you learn that person is a lesbian.
I also agree with those who find it inappropriate in general to call people “hon” and “sweetie” at work and you don’t get a pass on it because you’re old.
And, “alternative lifestyle” is a bizarre turn of phrase. Many LGBT folk find the term insulting. We don’t have “lifestyles,” we have lives.
“Alternative lifestyle” was the preferred euphemism for out gay people online in the late 1980s, according to a gay dentist who was a trivia-game whiz that I met in AOL’s predecessor chat area. It’s the coopting of the term as “the gay lifestyle” by the Religious Right that’s made it offensive, I believe.
Not to doubt the word of an online gay dentist but I was an out gay (although a non-dentist to be sure) in the late 1980s and I never heard any gay person apply the term “alternative lifestyle” to themselves.
There’s your problem right there: you shouldn’t be relating to her as “a man relates to a woman,” you should be relating to her as a subordinate relates to his or her boss. It doesn’t matter what the boss’s sexual orientation, gender, or marital status is. This is business life, not social life, and different rules apply. In fact, semi-romantic actions in a work setting have been known to prove illegal.
So, keep holding the door open for her - a subordinate ought to hold the door for his or her boss – but deep-six the personal remarks, which suggest that her function is decorative. I’d also phase out the terms of endearment, as inappopriate for the workplace.
However, feel free to congratulate her on her marriage; I assume that she would congratulate you on yours.
Incidentally, even though the point has turned out to be moot in the present instance, it’s good of you to enquire when you are not certain about something relating to sexual orientation. I appreciate your support for your boss’s decision and I hope these answers have proven useful to you.
It’s Georgia… people in Jawja (thanks, swampbear) call each other hon and sweetie the whole time. I had a coworker who was out of South Carolina for the first time in his life and he found himself apologizing profusely to a very-laughing female boss after answering a question with a “shure thahn’, honey!”
Good thing it was the female boss who’d lived in Mexico - other people in the room were an itsy bit stunned.
