Greetings from my little English Basement Subterranean Hobbit-Hole,
Can’t use the phone at the moment, waiting for U-P-Fucking-S to call me back. But I had to vent just a little. About twenty minutes ago I went to leave for class. Note the tense – ‘Went.’ U-Motherfucking-P-S had a delivery for my landlord upstairs. No problem, I get things for her all the time. So what’s the big deal? This time there were six (did I say six? I meant SfuckingIX! boxes, ALL about three feet high, a foot or two wide and about four feet long. No, scratch that, they are four-fucking-feet-long. Left parallel to the door? Reasonably stacked somehow? NO. No no no no no no! Oops, I’m sorry – FUCKING NO! They are strategically placed (no hyperbole there, the driver COULD NOT have done a better job if he tried) perpenfuckindicular to the door. They are wedged (WEDGED! THERE IS BARELY ROOM TO FIT THEM) between the door and the foundation of the steps. I CAN"T GET OUT!!! Back door is useless to me unless I want to break my landlord’s garage windows (not her fault, or else it would be a no-brainer) and my next-door neighbors are not home. SO HERE I SIT TRAPPED IN MY HOUSE!!! UPS is paging their de-fucking-livery center, THEN they are going to call me back, THEN they are going to page a driver, THEN he will call in when he can, THEN they will send him back here. This, I believe, is premised on UPS’s belief that there is only ONE driver in all of Washifuckington D-fucking-C! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Thank you for the opportunity to vent.
This message brought to you by the letter “F”. This situation brought to you by the letters “U”, “P”, & “S”. Fucknuts.
(I believe this is my first time ever really venting in the pit. I hope it is marginally up to standards - I am not thinking quite clearly at the moment. Please feel free to critique as needed. Or to curse USP. I think you know which I’d prefer.)
Well, any basement apartment built to code has to have a human-sized egress window. So if you don’t have a window that you can slip out of, you might consider what would happen if those UPS boxes were replaced by a raging house fire, and do some negotiating with your landlord to get that back exit working.
Is it the door or the screen door that’s blocked? Screen doors almost always have removable screens/glass, so you should be able to get out that way if you’re really in a hurry.
Two words. No, make that three words. Security Fucking Bars.
I could take the time to remove them, but since they’ve been on for years and years (oops, I’m sorry, years and FUCKING years) I think I’d use up the metropolitan area’s supply of WD-40. And I can’t get to the hardware store to get more than my one can.
Raging fire is exactly the what-if I used with UPS. Sure, I can get to the back yard, but to get out to the street I’d have to scale the wall or garage. Don’t want to fault my LL at all, she is great. Design of the house is a bit screwy, but it is the same as all of the other basement apartments in Capitol Hill. Moving day was fun.
Call 911.
You ARE trapped you know.
Then call the local TV stations. You should get airtime.
UPS tries to kill customer’s tenant 
One word. Ass fucking prin.
I assume you’re out by now.
Unless you didn’t have any food and you had to gnaw off an appendage or two.
Oh man. That really sucks.
Brilliant. There could be some money in it for you.
My girlfriend had a fun similar situation once.
The two guys upstairs were moving out, and they decided that it would be a real time saver if they didn’t bother to take the food out of the fridge before hauling it down from the third floor.
They started down the stairs, lost their grip, and the one on the bottom ended up having his arm crushed by a falling fridge full of food. The other one climbed over the tipped fridge, then set it back upright on the landing right in front of our door. Then he took his friend to the hospital.
My girlfriend, opening the door to go to work, found herself confronted with an unbudgeably heavy apliance, with no room to squirrel around.
It took 3 hours for the landlord to send someone over to move the thing.
Turns out it wasn’t even their fridge - it came with the apartment and they were trying to steal it.
Hell, I would call the police if I was trapped in an apartment and can’t get out based on someone’s negligence. You should not have to sit and wait for UPS to send a driver at their convenience. I’d like to have a police report to send UPS when I reamed them a new one.