They’re just so happy to still be alive!
Good OP, saw the same huffpost column, and it’s been rolling around in my mind the past few days.
Much has been said in this thread, but, to elaborate: right at the time that middle age women are dealing with their teenagers getting out into the world, and parents aging and needing more care, the hormonal upheaval of menopause happens. I’m hitting 48 this year, and , gotta say, even having a good solid theoretical knowledge of what happens with hormones, mid-life, umm… it’s a challenge. The heave ho of hormones can have the effect of depression, sleep interuption, and decreasing energy. All while trying to deal with the above transitions of above mentioned family pressures/
What you can do energy wise in your 30’s, is harder in your later 40’s. I’m an energetic outdoors person, but find my body just not able to do what it used to. Yep, sucks. And, the body does change, from a wow body to a not so wow. I have to say that , as a young woman, there was a lot of good energy in life generated by my good looks and fine tits, all shiny and new. Attention was had. Makes ya feel good. I don’t regret it at all. Nice day in the sun, and fun.
In aging, as a woman, you start to see through all that folderall, though, and it wears on the soul, as you see younger women go through the same dance. You really can’t tell them , though, they have to learn it on their own terms.
This can be depressing, which can lead one to check “unhappiness” on a survey box.
elelle and other women … how do you believe that women are more affected by the apparent fragmentation of social support systems within modern society, especially as women move out of the childrearing years, and their own parents become less of a source of support as much as a source of responsibility?
I have to confess I’m not sure what you mean by this! I don’t think I read anything in your post that wouldn’t apply equally to men, though, like the parental-support issue.
I’m curious about this, too, though my mind didn’t go to men being afraid to say they’re unhappy (I suppose it depends how it was phrased – Depressed? A personal issue, none of your business. Broody? Nothing wrong with that). I was thinking more how many women I know who were taught to be nice and smile but did a complete 180 once they hit menopause. They started talking to strangers, complaining to waiters, revealing family secrets. It was only when they (and I) got older that I learned how unhappy my grandmother was with her life, and what my female relatives had gone through in their childhood and marriages. Entertaining, if not a bit scary.
At the risk of being overly general
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between siblings it is generally the sisters who take on the role of supporting parents.
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we men generally are socially clueless and need less from our social networks and social supports.
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more social demands and less social supports with aging will, I think, be harder on women than on men.
I am asking if that seems to resonate for the women here.
1st point; yes. I’m the eldest daughter, and, even as a kid, did a lot of caretaking for the younger sibs, so, in the family dynamic, I’m the one that duty will fall to. That wouldn’t be absolute in every family, though.
2nd: I don’t agree with that , and know plenty of men who are socially connected and involved. I’d like to know more elaboration from your point of view.
3rd: Definitely, as people live longer, caretaking in elder years becomes a 20 year prospect for women. Even if your parents are a decent retirement situation, you have to constanly check on them and make sure they’re OK: sometimes they won’t “burden” you, and a situation gets out of control. I’m going through this now, experiencing parent’s mistaken meds and faltering ability to deal with day to day stuff. They are trying their best, but they need help, and, since we’re in separate houses, it’s a dance of figuring out how to best deal with independence and letting them accept help. This happens to women right when we have a good handle on our own selves, with maturity, but, caretaking elders without a good social support system can take all your energy. And, of course, we cannot not do that, in good conscience for loved ones.
Good facilities for aging are really needed, and, with the Boomers hitting it now, I’d expect a Gray Revolution coming.
I don’t have many cites in front of me (a quick google gives me this one right off) but it is fairly well established in the cognitive psychology realm that females are far superior to males at reading and responding to social cues … and caring about them. From early childhood male peer contacts are activity as the priority and the relationship grows or does not grow from that, whereas female peer contacts are much more relationship focused.
One small anecdotal illustration: I have friends at work, my family, and one or two long term friends that I keep with - we talk once a year or so. Every so often I’ll go out with the guys to a guy movie or for poker … and I have friends who play golf and Diplomacy and that’s it. I am very content with that. Without my wife I’d be lonely but the odds are she will outlive me - statistically speaking anyway. My wife gets together with friends regularly for coffee or meals and talks to her friends regularly - and is to no small degree unhappy that her friendships are not as close as she’d like them to be and that we do not socialize more.
One thing that may be contributing to women’s declining happiness as they age is the “sudden” limiting of options in relation to having children. For men, as they age, having children becomes less of a realistic / practical option, but it is often not out of the question until they die. For women, there is a more clear demarcation. It is easier psychologically to gradually realize you will probably never have children, than to suddenly realize you never can have children.
I’m sure there are a variety of contributing factors, but this may be one of them.
Yes, I’d tend to agree with this. Especially with the internet and other new technology, there tends to be a lot less actual socializing than there once was. And for some reason that I don’t entirely understand, it appears that men don’t need a lot of socializing apart from their SO, so the isolating nature of technology affects women more. (These are generalized statements that come from personal observations, so may or may not be true.)