Trespassers

The BBQ Pit
1

We hear noises down at the pond yesterday. I get in my truck and drive on down.

a couple of Amish teenagers were fishing in the pond. They were in my rowboat.

This really ticks me off because my rowboat is kept locked and chained.

They see me coming, row to shore and run off. As they do, the rowboat drifts back out.

They’re gone in the woods. I’m pretty sure who they are, just not sure enough to make an accusation.

They had cut through a chain on my boat to use it.

It’s about 8 O’clock at night. I drive back up to the house and get a pitchfork. I drive back down, and strip to shorts and sneakers.

As I walk out into the stagnant leach infested pond I jab the pitchfork ahead of me into the muck to scare off snapping turtles.

I swim out to the boat get in, row back to shore, load the boat on the truck and put it in the garage. I take a shower, but thankfully didn’t pick up any leeches.

As a point of info for anybody that’s read other rants in this series, they aren’t really Amish. Everybody just calls them that. They are very conservative Mennonites.

The week before I chased some non-Amish kids off the other pond, while jogging. My dog and I scared the crap out of them.

I am getting seriously pissed at the amount of trespassing, lately.

You can’t even touch them, and the police don’t want to be bothered. Any suggestions?

2

God, I’m such an ass for this, but the mental picture I have of you wading out there, cursing and muttering, with that pitchfork… well, I’m laughing, and I guess it’s at your expense, and it isn’t nice. Bad Cranky. BAD!

But to solve your problem… maybe you could set up a camera. It wouldn’t even have to be a real camera, just a crappy camera that looks like it’s hooked to something. Then you could put a sign on it saying “Trespass not, lest a graven image be taken of thee.”

3

My GOD, Cranky. That’s exactly what I was thinking.

Scylla, shaking that pitchfork over his head “DAMN AMISH KIDS GET OUTTA MY YARD!”

jarbaby

4

You could turn your property into a sanctuary for timber wolves…

5

Nope, I prefer the other thread title (semi annual Amish rant).
[sub]Wha??? this isn’t a poll on which thread title we prefer?[/sub]

6

I like shotgun warnings. Nothing like firing a warning round into the air.

Picture it:[ul]
<BLAM!>

:eek: WTF?! Run away, run away!

(later) Hey, anyone wanna go fishing in old man Scyllas pond? We can use his boat!
Hell no! Last time he almost shot us. Let’s just stick to churning butter.[/ul]

7

Have you every considered guard dogs? It’s my understanding that they have dogs who are trained to run trespassers off your property, but they won’t follow past the property line and will only knock them down and hold them if they catch the trespassers on your property. This could take care of your problems in this respect.

8

Why don’t you just let them play there?

9

  1. Liability - They get hurt on my property, I’m screwed

  2. Destruction of Property - Like my boat, like cutting fences and letting my horses out, like riding ATVs over freshyly planted fields. Like irresponsible shooting towards the house.

  3. Litter - Kinda sucks picking up soda and beer cans, empty bait containers, cigarette butts and boxes and such.

  4. Fishing/hunting out - When we first arrived we let people do whatever they wanted as long as they informed us. The pond got rapidly fished out.

  5. Danger - I have been shot at on my own property by idiots who confused me for a deer. My wife’s car car window got accidently shot out by an idiot during dove season, who didn’t stop to think that shooting towards the house might not be such a hot idea. I have a wife and children who occasionally like to venture outside without being accosted or attacked by strangers on their own property. I do not feel comfortable with people I do not know in my backyard doing whatever they want.

  6. Maintenance/responsibility - They do nothing to entitle them to the privilege. I allow my neighbor who is generous in helping to maintain the property, and the farmers who work the land to hunt and fish at will. They deserve the right, and through their relationship with me and interest in the land, they exercise responsibility while on the property. One who trespasses by definition does not.

  7. It is mine, not theirs. They are stealing from me.

  8. I don’t go over to their houses and take a shit in their kitchen, why should allow them to do the same to me.

Oddly, I had much your atittude when I moved here. My neighbor tried to tell me why I was making a mistake by being so open, but it turns out I had to learn on my own the advantage that would be taken of me if I tried to be generous.

Does that clear it up?

10

I’m thinking maybe a sacrificial rowboat with a large patch on the bottom attached with a water-soluable glue. Nothing like sinking in the middle of a pond full of snapping turtles and leeches to convey the subtle notion that trespassing is a bad idea.

11

Crystal.

12

I vote for Finagle’s idea, with perhaps the addition of NON water soluble itching powder in the Sacrificial Rowboat.

I take it that shotgun rounds of rock salt are out of the question? That was always the standard solution back when I was growing up, though in today’s society you might not be able to get away with it.

13

Lynn:

No, the rock salt would not be a good idea. I hurt somebody or assault them on my property, I go to jail, or they end up as the new owners.

A trespasser as the advantage of anonymity protecting him from his actions. As the known owner my liability and responsiblities are clearly defined. I can’t even legally detain them for the police if they resist.

I’ve thought about firing warning shots, or blowing up tackle boxes with my rifle, but as satisfying as that would be, it’s not worth the risk. I’m the sone of a Marine Sniper, and when my father taught me to shoot, he very clearly taught me that no gun ever gets pointed even close to the general vicinity of another human being unless you intend to kill them immediately.

When I run, or am out there, I generally care a concealed handgun for wild dogs or the odd groundhog, and as protection in case I encounter an armed and belligerant trespasser. The same rules would apply to that handgun. I simply wouldn’t put my hand on it unless I intended to use it. As a threat to a trespasser, a firearm is a very very bad idea, IMO. I have drop kicked a tacklebox into a pond once, though.

I generally rely on the appearance of being physically threatening. The fact is I wouldn’t endanger myself or others over this, no matter how frustrating it is. My dogs don’t like trespassers either, but unless they are accompanied by an adult, they are trained to stay near the house. They also are not trained to attack, and I wouldn’t want them to be. They generally serve the same role I try to: the appearance of being a threat, without the fact.

Ideally, if I catch and identify them red-handed, I’ll drive them to their parents and embarass them.

Finally, I don’t want to overreact and build up bad feelings and the need for revenge amongst the local youth.

I just try to be enough of a pain in the ass that they decide it ain’t worth it to fish or hunt on my land.

14

… put me down for the “sacrificial rowboat”.

15

In the 30’s someone shot my grandfather with rock salt from a shotgun. In the shooters defense my grandfather was in the process of stealing his watermelon. Is it illegal to shoot on your own property? If not then maybe you could get out a shotgun and shoot something harmless while shouting at them.

Marc

16

I was on a hiking trip once and came across a sign that said “Warning: Trespassers subject to getting shot”. Direct and to the point, and I personally had no desire to try my luck.

17

When I was in college, we had a sign someone had liberated (read stolen) from the boundary of a County Wildlife Area(read barren desert. It was passed down from generation to generation.

It said “Warning, this is the property of San Bernadino County.
Tresspassers will be violated or prosecuted, depending on who catches you.”
Don’t know what to tell you. If it’s usually during the daytime, if you could get pictures of or catch them and return them home, or tell their folks with proof, you might get a reputation as someone who always catches them. Maybe that might make your pond less attractive.

Maybe putting some sort of garbage container might at least solve some of the litter problem.

18

Get a metal barrel (old, but not too old)

Get some weatherworn ‘Biohazard’ stickers.

Put stickers on barrel.

Bring barrel down to pond.

Put barrel near edge of pond.

Remove lid from barrel (if it has one)

Tip barrel over into pond.

Leave some tire tracks near the barrel to make it look like somebody short-dumped.

Document this with photos in case someone complains to the EPA.

Bonus points if you can find deer and other animal skeletons to leave around the pond.

19

I might have a suggestion for you, but it will take time.

I fish a lot, and along my old commute home, there is a nice little fishing pond. There’s a county park insignia there and parking for about three or four cars. There’s a nice turn-of-the-century home on the far side of the pond, which is only about fifty yards long. Sometimes the traffic along there is beyond all sanity, so I quickly got the bright idea to toss my gear in the car for the next time the road was clogged.

The first time I went fishing there, I began working my way around the pond. Once I got to about the halfway point, this beautiful dalmation, which had been languidly watching me from the porch of the house, got up and mosied on over to me. I gave it a pat on the head and continued fishing…

…Until I noticed that the bastard dog was pissing all over my new pants! I don’t hit dogs or people, but he got a less-than-cordial shove from me. The dog took it good-naturedly and went back to the porch.

I began huffing back to my car. I stepped over the wire in the mud, past the turned-over sign, and… wait a minute.

It turned out that only half that pond was a park. Assholes before me had knocked the fence over so many times it was scarcely noticeable, until Fido helped point it out to me. Not only was I on his territory, I was now part of it. Boy, did I feel like a jerk.

Your situation is different, of course, but maybe when the border collie can’t herd horses anymore, he’ll have one trick left to learn.

20

Okay, so the warning shot is out, but how about, if they drive, park and hump through the woods to your pond, waiting for them by their car? Nothing like finding your escape compromised.

Taking pictures is also, of course, a great idea, and can be done from a good distance without alerting them to your presence.

I do like the sacrificial boat idea, though…muhahaha!