I know we learn early on we shouldn’t compare our achievements to others, or care that somebody has something we don’t, but there’s an irrational part of me thats jealous anyway. Why?
Because my best friend basically inherited a house from his in-laws, along with a fat check that paid off all his debts. Meanwhile, my wife and I resigned ourselves to the fact that it will take many years of disciplined saving to get a good down payment on a house we want. Years of reminding myself that no, I cant really afford that 7-11 donut/coffee/new computer/hovercraft, I’m trying to save up for a house and staydebt free.
Deep down I know I’m doing things the ‘right’ way; my wife and I live debt free, she earnwd a grant to pay for grad school, I work plenty of overtime and my wife and I cooperate and collaborate on finances and budgets. But sometimes its hard to see it, particularly when I see my friend, through no self-discipline on his part, just get handed these things that will take me years to accomplish on my own. This morning, as I get ready to work my 19th day off this year, I’m just feeling irrationally bitter about it.
Just remember that you’re both going to be dead in less than 100 years, and no one will even remember your name or that you ever existed in about 200 years or less.
That always helps cheer me up when I’m feeling angry or jealous!
If your friend really has no restraint as you say, it is quite likely the tables will turn and one day he’ll say to himself “man, that’s not fair, look at his house/boat/debt free existence/retirement. I got such a good head start when I was younger and now I don’t have anything.”
You’re doing things the right way, keep it up.
Just picture yourself standing next to one of those starving African kids. Who is the lucky one now? I world terms, the vast majority of people have it worse than you.
Well, here’s another way to look at it. His in-laws are dead.
I’d be financially screwed without my husband and his family. Between his exceptional responsibility with handling money and the bits of wealth he periodically receives from his filthy rich grandparents, we have a lot of advantages other folks don’t. I’m not saying we’re rich or anything - we’re barely middle class at the moment and we’re swimming in student loan debt - but we’d be a LOT worse off if it weren’t for the unearned privilege we enjoy. We try to compensate for that by being generous with what we do have.
But there are probably things about your friend’s reality you aren’t aware of. It’s easy to make judgments about his decisions when you don’t know the full set of circumstances in his life. There will always be someone worse off than you, and always someone better off. When I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself, I try to focus on how much worse it could be. The interesting thing about life is that it can always be worse.
It’s not really irrational bitterness. Life isn’t fair, and you got the short end in this case. It’s only irrational when you don’t realize it’s just the luck of the draw.
You’re doing things the “right way” but what other way is there for you to do it? You don’t have a choice for your relative to drop dead and give you a ton of dough, and he didn’t have a choice for it not to happen.
Don’t waste your time fretting about something that no one had any control over. And especially don’t waste your time thinking about how other people live their lives. That’s what 12 year old girls do not grown men.
And 12 year old boys…
And keep in mind: No matter how bad you’ve got it, somebody somewhere has it worse. And no matter how good you’ve got it, somebody somewhere has it better.
That’s very close to a line from “Desiderata” that I like when I’m feeling jealous and envious -
My oldest sister and her idiot husband won a big lottery win (they won a house and contents, which is worth about $1,000,000 here). I don’t be-grudge her the win, but her husband is mostly useless, and I do have a problem with him winning such a big win, but that’s the way life is - people don’t always get what they deserve, and they sometimes get things they don’t deserve.
I can sympathize with your jealousy, but just keep in mind that you’re living your life, and your friend is living his. I think it does help to think about how lucky we are to be in North America, not the slums of India or somewhere like that.
Someone somewhere is looking at you with your wife, good job, no debts, and good health and is thinking, “That schmuck! Here I am, doing everything the RIGHT way, and I can’t catch half the break he has. It’s not fair!”
Fairness is a strange thing to try to wrap one’s head around. Whenever I start thinking about life’s fairness, I feel awful. So I try not to do this anymore.
Why? Because he has something you don’t, and you can’t be proud of him for earning it.
Do you really want advice on not being bitter? (I get the feeling the bitter is bother you more than jealous.)
Trite as it sounds, you are the star of this movie. Your friend’s part was written just to provide counterpoint to your struggles. At some point, there will be the scene when he talks about how proud he is of you, and maybe says he almost envies you the opportunity to earn it on your own, because it made a better person of you.
(But I think the “he envies you” is too sentimental & trite. I think you leave that out of the dialog, just imply it with a faint hint of the jaded and dissolute in his expression.)
Just turn you friend into a 2-dimensional character in movie-of-the-week plot in your head when you feel bitter; it will help.
I’d go through that at work sometimes (not so much anymore since I changed jobs). At my old job I’d have coworkers who were lazier and less efficient than me who made 2-3x more than I did, they could afford to live independently while I could not at the time. But I guess that is just the human condition.
In related news researchers have found that the more time people spend on Facebook the more depressed they are. They have concluded that is because people tend to post their best and brightest moments and so in comparison your life feels terrible.
I have concluded that the researchers don’t read the same site I do. It depresses me too but more out of a fear for the future than a feeling of not getting ahead.
I have to admit that not long ago on the day that my boyfriend bought a Vespa scooter, I was envious. You see, I want one too, but cannot afford one at this time. My jealousy only lasted for a short while. I love riding with him – sometimes side by side when the road and traffic allows for it. I look over at him and grin at how sexy he looks to me. There’s no reason to feel down that he has something that I want. He loves me and is generous and giving in every other way, and riding together is just one way that we enjoy each others company.
