I’ve known my best friend for nearly twenty years. During that time, he had a hard time standing up for himself. Now, to be fair, I did too, but I had a lower ‘threshold’ for letting people screw me over. In the past he had several long-term, very destructive relationships.
For many years, he had been living with his ex-girlfriend. She cheated on him, but he never worked up the nerve to throw her out. He allowed her to continue to mooch off her for some time. He was single for a good long while. Eventually, I introduced him to my (now ex) gf’s friend. They hit it off instantly, and were like siamese twins for the past two and a half years.
They are getting married this October. I had sincerely hoped his fiancee would be the type of woman to help him get his life in order- encourage him to finally boot out his deadbeat ex gf, stand up to his own family, etc. The opposite has happened; she has tolerated his apathy, and is pretty much a female version of him as far as his bad traits are concerned :mad:
Last week him and I met for lunch and he discussed his wedding. I am excited about being best man, but there is a miasma hanging over me. He was complaining that his (future) sister-in-law has basically hijacked the wedding, and they have to kowtow to all these demands she has. They have to do this, because she’s her daddy’s “favorite” and daddy-in-law is paying for the whole wedding. When I objected, my friend said they were trying to ‘pick their battles’ :smack:
I want to be happy for them, I really do. But when you let other people run your own wedding I really have to wonder how well things will turn out. Both of them take comfort in their mutual flaws, and I wonder what the future bodes for them when they are collectively unable to help their respective calamities that will inevitbly happen during their marraige.
So lemme understand…the mooching ex-gf still lives with him, but a fiancee has accepted his proposal and her daddy’s willing to pay for it?
I’m a big believer that some people have to get burned. Having been through several destructive relationships, you’d think he would have learned better. Trying to reason with him won’t work; it sounds like you’ve already done that over the past twenty years. You’ll only stress your friendship.
If they go through with the wedding, he’ll almost certainly learn some hard lessons. Maybe he should have learned them before but didn’t; in any case, they’re his to make. IMO your job as a friend is to hope for the best and be there to help pick up the pieces.
It sounds like he needs to be a “meet for coffee once in a while” type friend, so he doesn’t drive you batshit with his inability to stop sucking. Just my opinion, of course.
But the wedding is only one day: one day. If you can’t disagree and toe the line for one day, than well, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t want 90% of the crap at my wedding either, but it is ONLY ONE DAY.
My advice? Capitulate and get over it.
ETA: For fuck’s sake, as long as someone else is paying for it!
Eh, weddings are expensive and inconvenient to plan. It’s possible it really doesn’t matter that much to them, and they’re happier getting a free wedding than bothering with the details/cost themselves.
Well, they sound pretty compatible then.
Hey, you never can tell how things will work out for a couple. Sometimes people you expect to be together forever don’t work out, and sometimes odd couples have a long happy marriage because whatever they get from the arrangement is exactly what they need even if outsiders don’t get it. So just try to hope for the best.
I am confused: are you unhappy for him because you think this marriage is a bad idea, not because his fiancee is a bad person, per se, but because she’s no better than him and so they seem ill-suited? This is classic MYOB territory. You can refuse to listen to them griping about situations they can’t change–perfectly understandable that you wouldn’t want to do that–but I think you need to try not to worry so much about their future. It’ll work or it won’t, but it’s their life. It sounds to me like you have a vision of how your friend could be different–better–than he is now and you hoped the right woman would help him get there. But it’s his life. Friends aren’t responsible for fixing each other. Accept him for who he is or drift away from him–friendships ought not be based on potential.