Having discussed this with my family, their collective view is that it is essential that any sack used is secured firmly with a heavy duty zip-lock tie … and if you don’t have one they can provide you with several fit for the purpose.
My husband would gladly send you my blue heeler, Crocodile. Notice I say my heeler, not our heeler. Croc loves me and barely tolerates anyone else.
I’m pretty sure my wife could scrape together a million or so in cash, and she does seem pretty attached to me.
Trust me, I’m enough of a pain in the ass that you will feel ripped off.
If the secure location is quiet and has reliable Wi-Fi, and I get fed twice a day, I might be willing to volunteer…
I feel like you aren’t getting the whole kidnap/ransom/reward dynamic that @FairyChatMom is going for.
Yeah, sheesh, I’m not looking for a houseguest… 
I can’t help feeling like this is a sting or something. How do I know you’re a trustworthy potential victim??
@FairyChatMom If you decide to do it, give me a heads up so I can send you a list of my snack requirements. And the two cats need to come, too. I’ll let you know what brands/flavors they like. Do you get Peacock? I’m currently rewatching all of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, my fave L&O. That Bobby Goren, gotta love him. I’ll bring my laptop so I can keep up with the SDMB.
@FairyChatMom Having you considered just opening a hotel? It sounds like you’d achieve almost exactly the same result and it sounds like most Dopers will happily just kidnap themselves, save you the bother.
Same result?? How is becoming an innkeeper the same as raking in cash ransoms?? Sounds like work rather than wallowing is monetary bliss.
Maybe a life of crime isn’t for me…
It’s a losing battle. Everyone knows how comfy your basement is and how cute the grands are.
You’re not helping!! 
I don’t want to put nasty ideas into your head but people get less keen on remaining kidnapped when you mention “bolt cutters” and “toes“ in the same sentence.
Just sayin’.
After you held me for one week you would contact my family again and ask them how much you would have to pay THEM for returning me.
I would pay @FairyChatMom not to cut off her toes with a bolt cutter. Just sayin’.
I think I’d be a prime candidate right now, but as of tomorrow, our assets will be moved into a trust, so Ms. Railer will have access to all our money. She would welcome not having a big lazy lug hanging around the house.
The papers will be signed at 1:00 CT Tuesday afternoon. Better hurry.
You won’t get squat from anyone. It’s not like I have a big jolly loving family and a horde of caring friends to toss a few bucks in the passed-around hat. You might be better off selling my obese sweating carcass to illegal organ procurers who will disassemble me for parts.
Wait, you want a guarantee that you’ll get paid?
Yeah, maybe so. It’s more of a “you pays your nickel and you takes your chances” affair. For all we know, I might accidentally burn down your house making toast or something.
::does search for “Red Chief” in this thread::
I see it’s already been cited, carry on.
Same here x2 (I have two cats).
My cats are indoor only, so they have no way to get a lizard. They do, however, do a fairly decent job of keeping the insect population under control in this place. So would you accept a dead fly or two?
I have several siblings and I think they like me. Maybe.
But most of our excess income is invested in Lego. Do you like to build things?