Turns out my son is embarrassingly bad at sports

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I’ve been chagrinned but never embarrassed. Being chagrinned was because I saw her doing things that I saw were going to cause her difficulty for the rest of her life (disorganization things).

Embarrassment implies that you are ashamed because your child is an extension of /reflection of yourself. An attitude which causes a lot of suffering in both parent and child.

My sister continually bemoans her son’s choices although there has never been anything particularly wrong with them, they just were not the ones she would have made. Even when he became an EMT and was headed toward management of the department she couldn’t understand why he didn’t go to medical school instead, patently so she could say “my son the doctor”. I thought it pretty despicable but my nephew is very resilient, luckily.

22

My parents didn’t force sports on me (being a girl in that era meant there were very few sports available that I could be forced into), but even P.E. was an enormously painful experience. I was tiny and uncoordinated, was always last picked, and treated as a pathetic loser, which in that context I was. It gave me a permanent hatred of team sports. And I’m not even on the spectrum.

Your wife sounds like she has problems accepting the differentness of your son. I’d bet it extends beyond sports. I’m another poster who suggests counseling for your wife, and supporting your kid by taking an interest in what he gravitates toward, and not trying to cram him into a box he cannot fit into.

23

Unfortunately it’s not very widely available, which means many don’t have a reasonable opportunity to try it, but I would highly recommend croquet as a sport for anyone to try - and in particular, those on the autism spectrum. Over the last 25 years I have personally witnessed dozens of people on the spectrum not only enjoy participating in it and reaching a very high standard (like, international level - it’s a small talent pool, so eminently achievable for anyone, especially starting as a kid), but massively increasing their social skills. OK, it’s not a team sport as such - but like (say) tennis or bowling, there are events in which you compete as part of a team.

A key part of the appeal is that while it’s not athletic, there is a physical element - but also a mental element (it’s often described as ‘chess on grass’). In my experience there is no other activity that’s a better combination of the two. And partly because it requires less co-ordination than, say, golf, it can be a revelation for kids who previously thought they were no good at sport.

I’d be very happy to share more information either here or by PM.

24

I don’t think “embarrassed” of him is the right word. I really don’t care what other people think. I would describe it more like a crushing disappointment that he has these traits that makes his life more difficult than necessary.

If basketball or any sport were something he felt passionate about, I wouldn’t care how bad he was at it.

25

Forget the organized sports for awhile, I realize there’s pressure on parents to have their kids in activities throughout the year but he has the rest of his childhood to get in the game.

I’d consider activities that build strength and coordination maybe something with one on one coaching. Look for beginner classes in trampoline swimming or tumbling, bicycling, kite flying whatever. Find out what’s fun to him and realize it’s still okay to look awkward.

It’s tough parenting around other parents who kids are triple A in sports. Gotta get over it

26

And, what you can suggest to whomever runs, for example, the school chess or croquet club, is to incorporate 10 minutes of warm-up and 10 minutes off cool-down calisthenics into the program. The reason being: it limbers up the body and gets blood flowing to the brain which are important for those types of pursuits. It would also instill the importance of exercise into your son’s mind.

If your son’s school doesn’t have extracurricular clubs of that nature, I would discuss starting them with the school principal or superintendent. Perhaps you or your wife could offer to participate.

27

With our kids, we’ve had an ongoing discussion: you gotta have some form of exercise. We’ll sign you up for swimming or soccer or cross-country, or you can go out in the yard and jump rope, or we can go on long walks or hikes, but you gotta move. They get some say in what the form of their exercise takes, but not in its existence.

Is it worth having a discussion like that with your son?

28

I tell my grandkids the same thing. You have to find a way to get exercise every day and it would be better if it’s from something you enjoy. So try different things until you find what you like best.

Forcing kids to do something they hate and are not good at is just awful for their self esteem though. They get chosen last and laughed at and mocked.

29

I had the special joy of coaching my mildly autistic son’s age 5-6 soccer team. Well, he was horrible, but not the worst on that disaster of a team!

And I went to my granddaughter’s age 7-8 hoops game the other day. Not sure I woulda been able to pick out who was the “worst” in that endeavor.

I fully support having young kids get experience in athletic endeavors to encourage fitness, coordination, body awareness, etc. But team sports are not for everyone. And many folk on the spectrum have difficulty crossing their centerline, and instinctively reacting in complex situations scubas “run on this angle, at this speed, to intersect with the ball that is coming from THAT angle, to have my right foot positioned to kick it in THAT direction.” Instead of just reacting, they break it down into its many parts, which taks time, and does not result in fluid motion.

For our son, we tried bowling, which didn’t really take. We enrolled him in several gymnastics classes. Probably shoulda done more dance. What he excelled at at an early age was archery and shooting. Still does. Some of my fondest memories are of going paint balling with him and his friends. Teaching him to ride a bike was a challenge due to sensory integration issues, but he quickly became an avid biker.

We also encouraged music for all of our kids. He got plenty of social interaction from band and theater.

Believe me - I was there - wishing my kid was just of AVERAGE ability on an athletic field. But that’s not the hand you and he were dealt. You’ll figure it out. He’s only 8. But - yeah - you GOTTA forget the lacrosse.

What does HE want to do?

30

This is a problem with “professional” moms and dads: everyone else’s kid plays x sport, so should mine. I have seen kids shoved into sports they dont enjoy because a parent was passionate about that sport themselves and/or all the other kids were doing it. It’s a major mistake, no matter the kid’s status on the spectrum.

I was that kid - the last one picked on the playground, awkward dribbling of the basketball, clumsy and heavy-footed, and not understanding the rules. Getting laughed at. It’s no fun, and isn’t it supposed to be fun? Anyway, I stayed away from team sports but ended up liking individual sports and did swimming and tennis in high school. I went on to loving cycling and skiing, and still do those things today. Both my kids were big in team sports (football and rowing), so you never know.

It’s critical that your kid is having fun with the sport. Practice and workouts and having non-parent coaches barking at you can suck, but suck much more if games are not fun. I would offer solitary sports, maybe stuff you and/or your wife have done and enjoy, and see if there is anything there. Cycling, x-country, swimming, even rock climbing, can be very engaging physically, and fun, and can lead to a lifetime of enjoyment. If physical stuff isn’t in the cards, maybe a musical instrument? Bottom line, just let him decide - it will be way easier if it’s his decision.

31

My son’s autistic. Neither he nor I are sports guys. One of the other autistic kids in his therapy group took up golf. I told the Dad that’s a great sport of autists - you are expected to remember the position of every blade of grass on every hole of every course you ever played, and for every time you played there. I’m in the “good walk spoiled” camp re: golf, but friends and family who play have a level of detailed recall over the game that is better than LOTR fans. It’s also a lifetime sport, with a lot of socialization opportunities in a small group. Free advice, FWIW.

32

WTH?

The kid is bad at sports and hates them. Recognizing this is far better than denying it.

I don’t get the impression at all that the OP is embarrassed by the child; but that they’re saying that the other kids (and maybe even the coaches) are liable to embarrass him about how bad he is.

This. This, this, this. Organized sports are not good for everybody.

Yup.

There is very likely something he’d love doing that involves physical movement. Try to give him a chance to do that.

It might even work better to make it not done as a “sport” at all, but rather as a play activity.

Might work for this kid; but use caution. I flat out hated calisthenics; at least as done in a group setting. Though it occurs to me now that I might have developed that hatred because of gym class in general, rather than its having contributed to that.

FWIW, which may be nothing as I’m not the child in question: what I did like was horseback riding, swimming (neither of them in a competitive fashion) and, at age 8, just plain running in circles around the back yard; either with or without a dog. Riding involved horses. Swimming, I felt like I couldn’t fall. Running just plain felt good – but it didn’t feel good with somebody ordering me to do it in class.

33

The message is clear. He doesn’t like sports. Constantly signing him up for different versions of something he doesn’t like can only stress him, not help him in any way. Time to stop and let him discover what HE really likes. Then, help him do it.

34

Another vote that the OP was seriously misread by a couple of posters who are seeing Dad as having a bad attitude to the son that simply is not there. Not in the words, and not in the spaces between the words.

Dad wants the kid to be happy. Ideally while doing something physical. But happy comes first. And Dad is well aware of son’s limitations and son’s now-being-revealed preference for something other than basketball.

As always, we’re getting one person’s version of a situation involving 3 people: Dad, Mom, & son. But taking Dad’s words at face value, it seems Mom is ignoring her son’s true situation, capabilities, and preferences. Perhaps she hasn’t seen him play basketball or do the other earlier sports, or even much of any physical things. If so, that speaks volumes. Perhaps she’s simply in denial about her son’s situation. Which is hardly a more flattering look for her.

But Dad is about to be placed into a vice between Mom’s desires and son’s desires / capabilities. And that likely won’t end well for any of them.


ETA: @thorny_locust and @Jasmine just above simulposted w me. Agree 100% w them both that the son’s preferences are now 100% clear and unmistakable. And at age 8 he’s fully entitled to have his preferences honored on topics like this. If Dad still had any doubts e.g. a week ago, he should not now.

Time for concrete action to move on past basketball.

35

What does he say about basketball and other sports? Does he hate it?

36

I think it’s important to remember that children often have a hard time verbalizing their feelings, and their responses and actions do the speaking for them. When you never ask to sign up and participate in sports, but your parents sign you up anyway, and then you participate in such a way that shows you just don’t care about what you’re doing, that pretty much says it all.

37

There is a baseline conviction among so many people that team sports are really really really really important for children. Where the fuck did this idea come from?
Is it some American hypercompetitiveness, or what?

How many people play team sports as adults, as opposed to watching them on TV? All the supposedly essential things you supposedly learn from them – how to win and lose graciously, the camaraderie, the physical toughness etc etc, even if they are essential – which is at least debatable – every one of them can be learned other ways. When I was a kid I joined a hiking and natural history group for young people; I went backpacking and dissected owl pellets and developed a lifelong love of small wild creatures. I edited the school creative writing magazine. I trained my dog, and then my friends’ and neighbors’ dogs. Those are things I found for myself.

I know exactly one person who plays team sports competitively as an adult, my nephew, a high school music teacher who also is on the US kayak polo team.

I personally think it’s a lot better to find physical things you like to do when young that you can keep doing throughout your life, like hiking or swimming or bicycling.

Competitive sports are great for those who LIKE competitive sports. I cannot imagine why parents think it’s not optional.

38

Other sports my kid was pretty good at were speed skating and skiing. Our town had a kids’ running club, and I thought my kid had considerable promise there (I was a runner), but all of my kids HATED it. Being good at distance running requires that you push yourself to the point of exhaustion near puking - and it is not unusual for a kid to feel that isn’t exactly fun! :wink:

I think our kid was around 8 when he found his one best friend - who remains his best friend 25 years later. They were able to be weird together. Hopefully your kid will find that one kid or his own niche group.

We encouraged some sport when our kids were young, just to open that possibility that the kids COULD - if they wanted - play a game of recreational softball or volleyball when they were older. Or not ALWAYS be the worst kid in every playground game. And, as others have observed, to encourage habits of fitness.

But be prepared for your kid to have interests different than yours. My kid is in his 30s, and is VERY into gaming, SciFi, cosplay, etc - things I have NO interest in and don’t really understand. But he met a woman who shares his interests and they seem pretty happy together, so he doesn’t have to be interested in sports or anything I’m interested in. They have an entire room set up as VR, and I believe he gets a good bit of his exercise from that sort of thing.

Believe me, there were many a time I thought how easy it would be to just have one of those “normal” kids, who seemed to have lots of friends, and was reasonably good at sports and such activities.

39

That’s the thing. I ask him straight up if he wants to play, and he says “yes”. I think he maybe likes the idea of going, and maybe is just saying what he thinks his mom wants to hear. But I try to take some time with him to practice a bit, he just wants to end it after a few minutes.

And it’s even worse when my wife does it. I at least try to make it fun. Like just play a little one on one so I can show him where to move and whatnot. She just does boring repetitive drills over and over. Yes, fundamentals are important. But you have to make it actually fun so it doesn’t feel like a school project.

Lacrosse, I don’t know what the fuck my wife is thinking. He actually made the tryouts (which I imagine is a relatively low bar at his age). And he’s been going to this physical conditioning class where they do plyometrics and whatnot (which I think he needs to go to regardless). But just seeing his speed and coordination vs the other kids, I can’t imagine that he will be any good.

So I’m at kind of a loss. Like I was fine sending him to various summer camps and sports camps to see what he might like. But he’s getting to an age where the kids and coaches are going to start taking games seriously soon and I just don’t see anything sticking. But I also don’t want him spending all his time sitting around watching TV or pursuing a narrow range of obsessive (and sedentary) interests.

My wife probably needs her own thread.

40

This was me, as well. I wasn’t on the spectrum, but I was a little, skinny, unathletic kid, who had absolutely zero interest in sports until I was about 12. My dad tried to teach me how to hit a baseball, how to shoot a basketball, etc., but I was both clumsy at it, and not really interested in it (my disinterest heightened by also recognizing that I was really bad at it). Also, being a bookish, nerdy kid, I was far happier being at home, reading, playing with my model trains, or building models.

So, yeah, it made being forced to participate (like during gym class) just miserable. When I was 10, my father enrolled me in taekwondo at a local dojo; this had the advantage of (a) helping me learn some physical/athletic skills, and (b) letting me do so without being subjected to the teasing of my classmates.

(When I was in college, and took a semester of fencing, I started out terrible at it, but got better late in the semester. At the end of the semester, the coach noted how far I’d come along, and then asked me, "tell me – how long did it take you to learn how to ride a bike? My answer was “an entire summer,” and he nodded knowingly. “Kenobi, you are what I call a ‘slow physical learner’ – it just takes you longer than most people to learn and master a physical skill. Don’t feel badly about it; my son is that way, and he’s now an Olympic fencer…it just took him longer.”)

Anyway…yeah, team sports, esp. for kids, can be great, but not every kid is going to be good at it, at all, and some just don’t care (and being among your peers, who are going to tease you about being bad at it, is absolutely a problem). Keep encouraging your son to find something active that he might enjoy.