Well, it’s actually a bit more complex than that, but it seemed like as good a place to start as any.
So my son (age 8) was identified as being on the autism spectrum about a year before COVID. Academically, he’s ok and in most respects he’s more or less like any other kid. Socially, he’s a bit off though. He tends to be very shy around people outside of family (although his teachers say he participates in class). So for the most part, he doesn’t really interact with other kids his age and as far as I can tell doesn’t really have any friends. As is common with kids on the autism spectrum, he has a narrow range of subjects he feels intensely passionate about.
We’ve tried signing him up for various sports at different points. Mostly just for the social interaction and to build strength and coordination. But he hasn’t really taken to any of them. The current one is basketball.
The thing is, he looks ridiculous. Not like “I can’t believe he missed that shot” bad, but like “what the fuck is wrong with this kid?” bad. Uncoordinated. Lackadaisical. Runs weird. Doesn’t really get the game at all. Lots of odd nervous tics and mannerisms. He’s at an age where the teams are still pretty mixed, Like there are some kids who can shoot 3 pointers and actually play and others who try, but just suck. But he stands out as especially bad. To be honest, I don’t know if he’s even really getting anything out of doing this at all,
My wife, pigheaded and stubborn as she is, has her sights on him playing lacrosse in the Spring or whenever the fuck people play that. I think she’s out of her mind. He can barely play a sport where you mostly bounce a giant ball and run in the general direction of the play. How is he going to handle a contact sport played on a soccer field with a tiny ball that can travel up to 80mph?
I personally don’t care if he plays any organized sports. If he was terrible but still really wanted to play, I would spend as much time as I was able helping him. But even getting him to spend 10 minutes is a major chore.
I was getting ready to say some not nice words about you judging your child because he embarrasses you, but I see that your title was misleading.
Your son doesn’t want to play sports. Your son doesn’t even try because he doesn’t want to do it. His lack of effort shows so much that you just want to bring him home where he is happy.
As JaneDoe pointed out, the desire or interest has to be there first. If your son isn’t interested in sports, then it’s as unappealing to him as competitive floor-mopping or whatever.
Now if he were interested, and played poorly, then it’s just a matter of time and learning. But there’s no reason he should be made to play if he doesn’t want to.
In particular, some autistic kids tend to be very particular in a few interests. The other things in the world that they don’t care about might as well not exist.
My son was not good at many sports. He hated baseball after the first game and asked not to play again. We let him quit. He eventually started running cross country and loved it. It’s a solo kind of thing. Your kid might love it too.
Lacrosse? Was synchronized juggling on a unicycle not offered at the school?
Seriously, I can’t think of a worse sport to inflict on an unwilling child than Lacrosse.
I’m not sure why socializing requires eye/hand coordination but maybe something like bowling works well with autism. There are websites that focus on the subject so I would start there to see what sports work well.
I only suggested bowling because it is something that delivers some form of satisfaction regardless of how poorly the overall score.
Yeah, let the kid socialize via doing something he actually likes and wants to do, with other kids who like and want to do the same thing. Presumably involving one of the subjects he’s passionate about.
Of course, physical exercise is important too, so it’s worthwhile IMHO putting in time to figure out some physical activity (likely of the non-team-sport kind) that your son also likes and wants to do. Even if it doesn’t involve any socializing.
Bonus is that I would guess that your wife will be more accepting of his not playing a team sport if he has a different athletic activity that he’s really interested and involved in.
Many kids do socialize in the context of a playing field of some kind. I sucked so badly at organized sports that it was an extremely negative form of socializing. You know: last kid picked. Made fun of. That sort of thing.
Don’t give up, of course, on finding some helpful, enjoyable way for him to socialize; it just might not be sports.
Also don’t give up on physical activity. But the sport he enjoys might be something one-on-one with you, like catch or Frisbee, or just hiking. Have you thought of getting him a Wii ? Maybe once he’s gotten to enjoy bowling or archery in a virtual way, he’ll be receptive to trying it out in real life.
My son is also autistic, high functioning and really hates almost all sports. Some of his distaste came from his juvenile arthritis, which - when he had a flareup - could make most sports motions quite painful. But the lack of proprioception also makes things difficult for him that neurotypicals can do easily.
What he did like in elementary school was bowling. Something about the pins going down in a concerted, semi-predictable way appealed to him immensely.
We encouraged him in his bowling, didn’t get too upset when he decided to let it go, and encouraged him to find things he liked to do. Right now, he’s big on jogging - does it to keep fit a few times a week.
Good luck with your wife - I think her attitude toward what your son plays will be more important than his lack of coordination over the long haul. Please try to get through to her that it’s more important for him to have a good attitude toward exercise, sports and phyical exertion, than for him to participate in any particular sport, and try and look for something that he will enjoy.
Listen.
I danced. I danced well. I was in a dance company in college.
I put my girls in ballet as soon as a teacher would take them.
Long story. But they where phenomenally AWFUL.
I’m glad the OP was not like me. I wasted time, money and chances for them to do things they would’ve rather have done and succeeded, alittle. Gaining some esteem and pride.
If he’s bad and hates it. Get him outta there.
Find HIS thing.
@msmith537 You’ve got the right attitude; if he wanted to play, you’d be helping him along. But at this point, he is essentially being forced to do something he has no interest in; this isn’t going to help in any way. My future son-in-law was forced to play tennis for years, because his parents really wanted it; he has nothing but resentment about that particular aspect of his childhood. Add in the fact that he is on the spectrum, and as @Velocity mentioned above… the things that folks on the spectrum don’t care about might as well not exist (speaking from experience).
Can’t agree with you here. @msmith537 is just being blunt to be kind. Some people (eg my father who is probably on the spectrum) are just grossly unco-ordinated and they look it. Why put your kid through being judged and potentially bullied and teased by making them do things they don’t want to do? Why make them feel bad by forcing them to do things they aren’t good at?
More constructively - I second the suggestion of others to try things that are physical but don’t involve close co-ordination as such. Something that is physical but either (a) is quite mindless and allows a person on the spectrum to zone out into their own head where they like to be or (b) involves solo thought. Running or cycling in the former category. Orienteering was my father’s sport, which is in the latter category.
Well, socialization and exercise/physical development can be done with separate activities if the group sport is not working. But, before you write off group sports entirely and if your son has any interest at all, finding a true recreational league or group might be better.
Now, the hard part will be finding a recreational league where the parents actually understand the purposes of a recreational league. Which is an environment where everyone can participate with the goal of enjoying the activity and not worrying about performance.
I agree with this. Being the worst player in a team sport, where the players and coaches want to win, can be confidence-draining, because kids (and adults) are often brutal to the weakest players.
Solo sports, like weight training, where winning isn’t a team goal can be much more uplifting for someone on the autistic spectrum, especially if one is found that they are not particularly bad at. They get the benefit of exercise, and can still get some degree of socialization just being in the same room as other kids doing the same thing.
Even better would be engaging in non-sport activities, like the chess club, if your child’s school offers that. If an autistic child’s interest is piqued by an intellectual activity like chess, it is something he has the potential to excel at. This would build confidence and provide socialization with other chess-club members.
I know a woman who has the misfortune of having both autism and Tourette’s. People who don’t know her but first encounter her often have that exact reaction because, yeah, she doesn’t move like the rest of us. As it happens, she likes athletics and for years competed in track events with the Special Olympics, but she was actually interested in running.
The OP was blunt, but I, for one, get it. He’s trying to convey the dimension of a problem in less than 10,000 words.
It seems to me the biggest problem here is the wife/mother attempting to make her son into a team athlete when that’s not a reasonable proposition. SHE’s the one who might need counseling.