Well yeah. Obviously I don’t want my son to be that kid. And watching my son play basketball, I could imagine kids from when I was his age saying he “runs like a gay retard”.
Lacrosse seems to be a different story though. He’s still learning the sport obviously, but in practice, he looks like every other kid doing that thing they do with the stick. The other day he actually had an assist in the second game he ever played in, earning him a bunch of high fives and “good job” from the coach and his team mates. And he seemed pretty pleased with himself. So that’s what we’re trying to foster. Yes, taking 30 minutes out of your day to practice kind of sucks. But the more you practice, the better you get and the more fun you’ll have.
Has he looked at other sports that are a combo solo/team? There’s swimming, track and field, or cross country. They tend to score based upon how well the individual does, but there are points for a lot of places so he wouldn’t have to come in first, or even third.
I played baseball for a few years til I was 10 or so, I kind of liked it but wasn’t very good. I tried basketball and didn’t like it, and I HATED football. I joined the swim team in high school and loved it, and still swim 30+ years later.
I grew up completely disinterested in sports so consequently was not only one of the last boys picked when our elementary classes were divided into two teams, I also went after the top third of the girls (as girls “didn’t do” sports when I was a kid) so that was particularly embarrassing.
It wasn’t until high school when I took state in archery or college where I took some classes in sports that I found I’m ok in sports. It was just that I didn’t get started at the same age as other boys, and there was too much of a gap at the time.
I didn’t want my son to have that same experience so I’ve always played catch with them and whatnot. How much of that has helped, I don’t know, but both my kids can do sports, and especially my son seems to have a gift for it. The ability to do sports has allowed him to make friends more easily as well as being a source of confidence. I think you are doing well.
Now if only he cared as much about math as he does basketball. . .
I wish my son cared about ANYTHING as much as he does about Lego or Lego-related media. And I’m a bit mad at my wife about all this (not that I’m completely blameless) as I wonder now if we have become enablers in turning what was once a reasonable childhood hobby into obsessive behavior. Then again, it’s something he plays together with his little sister, so at least there is some socializing there.
I teach kids, and often have students on the spectium including a 7th grader now, but thankfully, my kids have other issues.
I would never, ever criticize parents of autistic children for doing whatever is necessary to get though the day, especially if they are really trying.
It’s tough teaching them, and I can walk away at the end of the day. My hat’s off to both you and your wife for trying to help him. That’s the best thing you can do.
Do you have him in ocupational therapy? Have you asked the therapist about sports?
The other question I have is you wrote you wished he was passionate about sports. It sounds like you were as a child and because he isn’t how does that feel to you?
How obsessive is it? When my son was eight , he was obsessed with baseball. After school and weekends , he’d grab his glove and his bat and run to the park to play in a pick-up game if there wasn’t an official practice or game that day. On weekends, he didn’t come home until he was hungry - and then back to the park until dinner and then back again until the streetlights came on. I didn’t have any problems with that. But he didn’t have a meltdown if we were going somewhere and he wouldn’t be able to play for a day or even a week. There’s what people call “obsessed” and then there’s obsession that interferes with life. If his Lego obsession isn’t interfering with life, think about how you would feel if it was something else he was obsessed with - a sport , music , reading, building models, doing jigsaw puzzles, playing video games. I wonder if you are less worried about the fact that he is obsessed and more worried that it is with Legos , which can often be a solitary activity.
Me, too! One game, I was the last player standing on my side.
Felt good to nail Rod Fultz square in the knees to continue the game. See, the PE teacher at that school instituted a rule where getting a player out would allow everyone they got out to come back in.
Ironically no. My Dad was, and is. Much like my son, I was a bit indifferent. I dabbled in various sports over the years. I think it’s more like I always found sports to be something that was just inherent to the fabric of American society. So in many ways, I suppose I felt I might be missing out on something because I wasn’t more into them.
People in this thread are bemoaning “American hyper-competitiveness” or how they were ostracized or mistreated for sucking at sports. Now that sucks and maybe it shouldn’t be that way. But the world is what it is, so obviously I wouldn’t want that for my children.
We’ve amassed a fairly large collection of Lego, of which the kids have taken over the apartment with. Which I tolerate, as it’s something they do together and I sometimes do with them. It’s kind of like Will Farrell’s family from The Lego Movie. I’m also a bit annoyed with my wife because she keeps buying new sets as holiday gifts and as incentives. It’s literally to the point where they have more Lego than they can build and play with.
Any free time my son is either playing with Lego or watching Lego-based media (YouTube videos of Lego builds, Lego videogames, or open-world Lego-like games (Minecraft, Brick Rigs). All he talks about is Lego related shit from the moment I see him. We go to Legoland in Goshen, NY for his birthday the past couple of years.
Like I get it. it probably gives him some measure of control. But I worry that it’s become almost like an emotional crutch or something because he has trouble forming normal relationships outside of his family. So again, I don’t know how to get him to develop conversation skills in areas besides Lego-related topics.
All that is standard spectrum behavior. I hope is is getting appropriate professional treatment.
What particular thing any given ASD kid gets obsessive about is essentially random. But obsess they do.
I have a nephew that at about age 6 became obsessed with cash register tapes. Had to keep every one from every store visit and organize them very carefully. And not merely on obvious kid parameters like length & width. He was numerate early and the contents of the tapes figured prominently is his personal taxonomy.
A few years later he lost all interest in that and became obsessed with musical instruments. Not music, the instruments. And he didn’t want to own any or play any, he just loved learning about them and reciting facts. The kid was a walking wikipedia category. I have sat through a kidly learned dissertation on the evolution of the bassoon. Delivered extemporaneously. Which all checked out when I looked it up later.
I have no experience raising such a child, so won’t presume to offer advice. But if anyone knew of a way to direct the obsessions towards more economically useful pursuits than e.g. Legos or enumerating the multitude of types of trombone, I’m sure a legion of parents would buy that book.
I hear you’re feeling some burnout and casting about vaguely for a different career. Author of a blockbuster guide book for parents of ASD kids?
He was getting treatment before COVID, but that kind of put a damper on everything. But we are trying to look for some additional help now.
Apparently LEGO is highly popular among autistic children. In many cases it’s actually used for therapy. So that’s a plus.
And I suppose it’s good that his interaction with Lego consists of actual play. Typically interactive play with his younger sister where they act out elaborate scenarios with their minifig avatars (we have minifig versions of the entire family). Like he’s not stacking bricks by color and shape or anything.
I’m the one who meticulously tracks all 790 of their minifigures. Maybe I have ASD?
Whenever I hear about parents who have a child who wants to be on a traveling team, and they are encouraging it, I think of the commentator who said that having a prodigy in the family - any kind of prodigy - can have the same effect on a marriage and sibling relationships as a child with, for instance, cancer or Down syndrome. I do know that if a child is on a traveling team, it completely takes over the whole family dynamic.
As for siblings, I’ll never forget the 8th grade classmate who was universally disliked by our peers, but she thought she was the most popular girl in the school because everyone wanted to hang around with her. And why was this? She had an older brother who played semi-pro baseball, a job that I know now is, and probably was back then too, paid sub-minimum wage and had no benefits. Her unpopularity was the kind where, if someone had taken a gun to school and shot her, people probably would have stood up and cheered - and before criticizing me, remember that I went to school with her; you didn’t.
The next year, he left the team (probably wanted to finish college) and she went back to baseline status.
That’s sounds a bit extreme. I don’t think you can compare having a talented athlete to a child with a severe illness or disability in any way other than some vague sense of “it takes up a lot of family time”.
I am on the autism spectrum.
My childhood was not particularly enjoyable, mostly due to people trying to force me to be ``normal’'. Namely, liking things that I did not, particularly sports, music, and art. I did eventually find a sport I liked, skiing, but it was not really a sociable thing for me, I was quite happy to do it alone.
As an adult i now realize there are quite a few things I would have liked to do as a child that were social (e.g. boardgames), but board games do not exist in the culture I grew up in. (extremely rural). I did enjoy legos to a ludicrous extent, but I was never able to share that interest (or any other) with my parents at all.
To any parent of an autistic child, I strongly recommend you to just listen to the child and not force them to be how you think they should be. Meet them where they are at, and what they want to do. It is okay to get them to try new things, but if after a few sessions they don’t like it, then don’t push it, you will only make them unhappy.
In my experience, being social is not particularly enjoyable for autistic individuals, it is the activity itself we enjoy. Where most people go to activities to be social, we are social in order to do some activity. That said, being social is still important and the parent can help an autistic child quite a lot to adapt to new social situations if the parent discusses with the child extensively. Helps the child understand their emotions and how to navigate social situations, and only very gently tries to push the child into new situations.
Agreed. If it’s a group activity for socialization that’s wanted, what about music? Musical ensembles (choirs, orchestras, even small groups) are excellent for socialization without the aggressive competitiveness of sports and a lot of the interaction is about performing together, not interacting one-on-one which can be more intimidating for someone on the spectrum. And skills can be honed at home alone. Again, this isn’t something that should be forced but it’s an option to consider.
And solo activities for exercise have already been suggested - swimming, biking, hiking, bowling, whatever suits your location and the child’s preferences.
It depends - it won’t automatically happen with a kid who is on the “travel team” , because there are so many different types of travel team just like it won’t happen with every kid with a disability or illness. But for some number of them it’s true, beyond some vague sense of “it takes up a lot of family time”. Family life revolves around that child, just as sometimes happens with an ill or disabled child. The family lives where that child can get the best treatment/coaching/play their sport year round. What’s good for the rest of the family is unimportant or at least less important - if the family lives in upstate NY and the best treatment/coach is is Delaware , they’re moving. Doesn’t matter if another kid just started their senior year. No vacations for the family for years that don’t involve the sport. Parents take jobs based on free travel benefits or the ability to take time off to follow the athlete rather than whether they like the job or the hours. Other family members are limited in what they can commit to due to a lack of either time or money - nobody is staying home so the 10 year old can play for his Little League team when the 16 year old has a tournament three states away. They re-finance the house three times to pay for coaching/treatment but have little to help the other kids with college tuition etc. And for most of the people who do this for sports /music etc , there isn’t even a big payoff at the end.
That’s a pretty extreme example, really only applicable to kids with extraordinary ability with psychotic parents. I’m fine with our current situation of ten or however many Saturday games and practice after school a few days a week, most of which is in walking distance.
This may be a function of where we live, but I think what I find annoying about the whole kid’s sports thing is that it seems very “striving and parochial” (to borrow a quote from HBO’s Succession). If you have a passion for it, that’s one thing. But in my mind it kind of feels like a bunch of boring, upper middle class people trying to mold their kids into the same boring upper middle class template. Everything seems to be about checking boxes.