It’s Gomer!
However, I most remember his Christian Album ad.
Back in 1980 or thereabouts when I was teenager I had a temp job in a warehouse. I worked with a guy from Kenya who was working his way around the world. I was a drummer from the suburbs of New Jersey just becoming aware of afro-pop and guys like King Sunny Ade and I was like “Wow…I bet this guy could turn me on to some cool shit”. So I asked him if he was into King Sunny.
He said “No, I really like Slim Whitman. I have all his albums!”
So THAT’S where he was selling all those millions of records! I remember that (I think) Douglas Adams in his endangered-species book “Last Chance To See” mentioned that apparently the people who bought all of the millions of Richard Clayderman albums were the Chinese (he described Clayderman basically being the background music for his entire trip to China to see the giant pandas).
[Nitpick]It was George Carlin, and at least one version is on youtube (sorry, no link right now), but I remember a version of The Amazing Record Offer he did on the Tonight Show (paraphrased from memory:
“Hi there, this is your old friend, Carl Closeout, and I’ve got for you the most amazing offer we’ve ever made, with the possible exception of the nude photographs of David Eisenhower! This is your opportunity to have every record ever recorded since the beginning of time! Now these records are yours, not for $1,000, not for $500, they’re yours for 12 cents a pound! That comes to just over $27,000, but what a small price to pay to have this wonderful collection right in your own home! Provided of course, that your home is large enough. Music of every description, songs we’ve hummed since childhood, not continuously of course, but from time to time…just take a leave of absence from your job and give 'em a listen. If you’re not completely satisfied, just let us know, and we’ll send a man out there to poison your dog…the big bands are coming back you know, yes they are…there are no jobs for them of course, but they’re coming back just the same. And we’ve got the wonderful Nanette Perkins Fire and Woodside Avenue Experimental Pop Band and Change Making Machine, as they do their calypso version of Taps…Mexican music! Ole! Ole! We have the Mexican hat dance, the Mexican overcoat dance, and the ever popular Mexican corrective stocking dance!” and on and on. A great piece that lasts nearly 10 minutes, give or take. [/nitpick]
Probably. When I was a kid, living in Atlanta Georgia, I would be smug in my superiority to all those hick Tennesseans. Now that I live in Knoxville Tennesse, I rage at The Man.
I remember one that had a guy in a turtleneck who was president of the ‘70s Appreciation Society’ or some such nonsense.
And there was another that had ‘novelty’ songs that I hadn’t heard–like Guitar-Zan and Winchester Cathedral (two songs I still have never heard in their entirety).
Along with “Freedom Rock” I also remember the country music compilation which MUST’VE been a TIME/LIFE grouping just because of the sheer size of it. The commercial went on and on and my brother and I would crack up at the way they would play just 2 lines of each song and run them all together like that. We eventually memorized the whole thing and would perform it for our parents:
*Daddy sang bass
Mama sang tenor
Me’n little brother would jump right in
Daddy’s haaaands…
Lord have mercy baby’s got her blue jeans on
Well I told you once you son-of-a-gun I’m the best that’s ever been
FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN RUN BOYS RUN!
You saw me cryin’ in the caaaaaaa-ha-pel…*
We taught ourselves to sing the “shrink-to-fit” Levis button fly commercial and a Puffs tissue commercial too. I’m starting to question our amount of TV time now.
One my mom actually bought for my dad for Xmas one year: “Roger Whitiker: All My Best.” I would quote some of it for you but I don’t know how to quote whistling.
I have the same set for Country, due to a chemically induced NEED for CW McCall and other songs…
Shrink to fit, and a button fly, too (oooh-ooh)
Lee-eee-vies, Five-oh-one-blues
Shrink your own, your own personal pair,
A little loose here, and a little tight there,
(We’re so blue…)We’ve got the blue-hu-hu-hues
(So blue…)The Five-oh-one-blue-hu-hu-hues
We’re-so-blue
Lee-eee-vies, Five-oh-one-blu-hu-hu-huuuuues
Killer Harmonies, there
Body and Soul!
Monster Ballads!
And…for your enjoyment…Monster Booty!!
Of course, the one that really gets stuck in my head is the Taco Bell ad done up like a record collection. “M-M-M-My tomato!”
(Oops, forgot Pure Moods!)
That’s the one!
The Puffs went:
You-hoo-hoo’ve got the veeeeeel-vet touch (new Puffs)
And when I sneeeeze so much (new-HEW Puuuuuuffs)
It’s soft and smooooooth
It really soooooooths
The velvet touch (NEW PUFFS!) (Something like that for the last line… It was 30 years ago - I forget.)
Anyways, to keep this from being a hijack, I also remember a Kenny Rogers: All My Best (Might’ve been a Double Album - NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES!!!) They always were though, why did they say that? Or one just like it, maybe they meant “Not available in stores, but in truck stops and 7-11s.” We had that one too and I actually liked it. It had the “Gambler” and “Ruby” and “Coward of the County.” Maybe “Islands in the Stream” but I think that came out later.
Remember how you used to be able to order something “COD?” Man, I wonder how often they got burned for that. Can you imagine with all the infomercials they have now if they still let you order stuff COD? “WHOA! What? A Jack LaLanne Juicer? I must’ve been SO HIGH when I ordered that!”
Wasn’t there one for a John Denver collection about one month after he died? I recall thinking that was rather shameless.
OK, one more, perhaps the worst of all:
Pinkard and Bowden’s “Gettin’ Stupid.”
I could sing that commercial all the way through, and I only know one line of all those songs, but “Daddy Sang Bass” reminded me. Ohhhh.
Don’t - pet - the dog…
Elvis waaaas a narc!
Mama she’s laaazy…layyyyy-zi-eeeeeer than meeee…
Well I lobster…But never flounder!
Blue hairs…drivin’ in my lane…
Oh, Lord, the memories.
Slight hijack, if only to show how deeply these commercials can invade your subconscious.
I have a tendancy to have very vivid dreams, and have inherited the unpleasant skill of having something happen in a dream and waking up pissed off at the person I dreamed about. Even though I know the dream was fake, I have trouble shaking the anger for the first 10 minutes or so after I wake up. My most memorable instance is related to Time Life casette tape collections.
In my dream, I had ordered the full casette tape (why not cd? I dunno) collection of Time Life’s best of the 50s, 60s and 70s. I had been eagerly anticipating their arrival. On the day they were due, I came rushing home from work to find my boyfriend sitting in the living room with a huge shit eating grin on his face. He was surrounded by open time life boxes, and strands of casette tape tape. He said, “Look honey - I’ve respliced all the music to make it new for you”. I burned with the rage of a thousand suns. Just at that moment, my boyfriend in real life woke me up. I suppose the look on my face must have been murderous, because his immediate response was “What the hell are so pissed at”. When I told him, he couldn’t stop laughing for a full half hour. He thought it was very cute to ask me every morning for weeks after what he’d done the night before to piss me off.
As an aside, I neither enjoy nor desire music from the 50s, 60s or 70s, nor do I have any casette tapes or a casette tape player.
/hijack
Nooo! Now I’ll be singing that for the rest of the week, and those are the only lines I know.
There was one for a new age CD that had a guy singing a Native American-sounding chant. Something like “hey ah hey oh ah aye ya oh ahhh” etc.
Malt shop Memories- bland music from the fifties
I once went to a performance by a musical standup comedian who did a long spiel based around the “known fact” that the only way to obtain Slim Whitman records was to call a 1-800 number 