“In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is Parson Brown
He’ll say ‘Are you married?’ We’ll say, ‘No, man
But I’ll just !@#$ her here right on the ground!’”
“In the meadow we can burn a village
We can burn it right down to the ground
We can burn and then we’ll rape and pillage
Or is it the other way around?”
And a partial one from an old college buddy (either I don’t remember it all or he didn’t complete it):
“Dad’s nuts roasting on an open fire…Pit bulls nipping at your nose…Grandma hanging from piano wire…For kids who’re beaten black-and-blue…Though it’s been said many times, many ways/Merry Christmas/Up yours!”
I used to have a tape of Chrsistmas carols by a band called the Scruff Merchants.
Some of the song titles were
I saw Mummy shagging Santa Claus
On the first day of Christmas my true love did to me
It’s a Silent night, and the weather is shite.
I’m dreaming of a Shite Christmas
A friend of mine had an album called “A Twisted Christmas” . I never saw who did it, but it had things like “Walking 'Round in Women’s Underwear” to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” (“In the meadow we can build a snowman/ and pretend that he is Murphy Brown”. Which really dates this tape.)
“Hark the herald angels shout, three more days till we get out.
No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks.
Throw your homework in the well, tell the teacher -go to hell…”
Then one I never understood, but everyone seemed to know:
“We three kings of orient are, tried to smoke a rubber cigar, it was loaded, it exploded…
We two kings of orient are…”
And of course :
[Nelson Muntz]
Joy to the world!
The teacher’s dead!
We barbequed her head!
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty!
And round and round it goes
And round and round it goes…
Deck the halls with gasoline,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike a match and watch it gleam!
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch the school burn down to ashes
fa la la, la la la, la la la
Aren’t you glad you played with matches?
fa la la la la, la la la la!
I heard one several years ago called “The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen.” It was back in high school, so I don’t remember much of the lyrics, but it was about some guy mistakenly wandering into the ladies room and getting attacked. Now he “cannot sit with comfort and joy.”
The restroom door said “Gentleman”
And so I walked inside,
I took two steps and realized
I’d been taken for a ride,
I heard high voices, turned
and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse,
What could be worse
Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse…
The restroom door said “gentlemen”
It must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there
I saw an old hag,
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And slapped me with her bag,
I could tell this just wouldn’t be my day,
What can I say?
This just wasn’t turning out to be my day…
The restroom door said “gentlemen”
And I would like to find,
That crummy little creep
Who had the nerve to switch the sign,
'Cause I have two black eyes
And one big bruise on my behind,
So I can’t sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh boy,
No, I’ll never sit with comfort and joy.
You want the album Kev’s Kristmas by Kevin Bloody Wilson. My personal favourite from that opus is “Ho Ho Fuckin’ Ho”; the title alone summing up my private opinion of the festive season. Lyrics are here.
And who could forget Hey Santa Claus You C***, a very rude and famous song written and performed by the same guy.
I’m beginning to hate the Galleria
every time I go…
Where the uppity personnel
Wish you would go to hell
and sound alarms when I go through the door
You can lose yourself at the Galleria
and never know you’re lost…
You can by that crap anywhere
But you’ll know that you’ve been there
when you count… the… cost!
Bob Rivers. There are 4 cds: Twisted Christmas; More Twisted Christmas; I Am Santa Claus; White Trash Christmas. I only have the first three, since the last was only released a few weeks ago. Best holiday cds ever!
