I once had a dog named Scruffles. He got hit by a car.
The guy who was driving the car that hit my dog had no excuse for it. So I killed him.
I set out to learn everything there was to know. My quest continues.
Old Bob lived 60 years in the Everglades and carried a rifle at all times because of the gators. That rifle wasn’t very useful against the Tyrannosaurus though.
“Young adventurers, your journey will take you through the Swamps of Terror, past the Fields of Flame and ultimately to Mount Doom, that is where you will find the Wand of Power. Oh wait, I have it here in my robe after all.”
I wish there was a like button some of these are great!
Sister Mary never had to worry about the Monsignor unwanted attentions ever again. The nuclear war saw to that.
Man, oh man, I just love kids, dogs and cats. Especially deep-fried in batter.
Both Napoleon and Hitler tried but failed to conquer Russia. Third time’s a charm!
They said this story needed two sentences. They were wrong.
Fyodor slowly crept out of the gloom and as his eyes adjusted to the hazy light he saw the ruin in front of him that was Leningrad. “If only it had been 1942”, he mused and stared at his Iphone.
Einstein proved conclusively that time was money. Since he spent all his time on that jack-ass equation, he died broke.
She said she would love me forever, but of course I didn’t believe her. Neither of us was immortal.
I thought I was smarter than Cecil Adams. He proved me wrong.
He took it unto himself slipping, falling, sliding, the passing of a dim thought in gray pallor, a moment broken, a magnetic tryst, then void. The light gradual, approaches a cusp and attacks, the likes unbeknownst to mankind recalls a fresh flower, a sword in the darkness, reclamation of life, no small victory.
As the story goes, a beautiful young woman sat down next to then-Vice President Calvin Coolidge at a dinner party and said, “I’ve heard that you’re a rather laconic man, but I made a bet that I can get you to say more than two words tonight.”
“You lose,” Coolidge replied.
Once I fell into the sewer I thought I was safe. Then the CHUD came after me.
And then I stole the line from Homer Simpson.
I bought a pair of second hand baby shoes today for $2. They’ve never been worn.
OK, Hemingway said if five words, it’s still a good story.
My wife wants to have sex in the back seat of the car. She wants me to drive.
(No respect.)
My wife is really bad in bed. After we have sex, I draw a chalk outline around her.
(No respect at all).
As the squad rode towards the battle the young private looked around nervously and thought about this being his first time in combat. The grizzled old sarge chuckled and told the kid that he didn’t have anything to worry about, as long as he kept his eyes open for the fire breathing dragons.