My dear college roomie, the Salvadoran-American, has spent the past 4+ years living in Middle of Nowhere, Kent, raising ethnically confused babies with her English husband. While he is a wonderful guy, and very suportive of her, she is feeling very lonely and isolated, what with being thousands of miles away from friends and family, and being stuck at home with a 2-year-old and an infant and next to no adult company or intellectual stimulation. (He is at work all day.) That, along with the sleep deprivation of caring for a 2-year-old and an infant, are driving her bonkers.
I’ve been gently prodding her in the direction of taking more charge of certain aspects of her life; for one thing, she and her husband have hardly had a moment for themselves or each other since the first baby was born more than 2 years ago, and their relationship is suffering as a result. In the 16+ years I’ve been friends with her, she has always beent he sort of person who takes care of others at the expense of her own well-being.
I’ve tried suggesting that she leave the kids with the in-laws for the afternoon (they are also wonderful; I’ve met them, and I’m sure they’d be glad to help out in any possible way), so she and hubby can have some quality time, but she is breastfeeding and insists that it’s physically impossible. Now I love her to death, but I don’t see how she and her husband can be there for the kids down the road if their relationship is suffering due to complete exhaustion and neglect (they haven’t even been sleeping in the same room; the oldest is constantly waking in the middle of the night, so her husband has been sleeping in the room with him while she takes care of the little one). She could use some good old-fashioned feminist consciousness-raising and relevant health tips, both physical and psychological.
If she were here in the States, I’d ship her off my copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, which I think every woman should read, and preferably have on hand for reference. Her birthday is in a few days, and so I went on Amazon UK and discovered that there’s a UK-specific edition. So my question is: how UK-specific is it, and how how much of it is devoted to tips for dealing with the NHS vs. good old-fashioned feminist advice which is more generally applicable? Do you like it? Why or why not? Any other recommendations for my dear, depressed friend?
the National Childbirth Trust gave me helpful advice regarding combining breast feeding and having a life of my own. I was still at university full time and felt terribly guilty about allowing bottle feeding. I visited a local advisor, who gave me advice on expressing and storing milk, and hired an electric pump for a while which allowed me to up production enough to have a reasonable supply in the freezer. I was able to breastfeed this way for about three months, supplemented with the odd bottle feed.
The problem with being depressed, is that all that all your energy goes into surviving ordinary life, so the idea of going out without the kids, making baby sitting arrangements etc can seem daunting. As a single parent myself, with no family near by (though they are in the same country at least) I’m speaking from experience.
I think maybe the inlaws should take the initiative and say that they will come and babysit for her (in her own home, preferably). They may need to be very insistent (she may not realise she’s depressed, and might not realise that there are ways of making life easier, if only she’d accept a little help).
Best of all is a regular committment, if the inlaws can do that. Perhaps, if she’s reluctant to accept help, they could persuade her that it’s as much for their sake as hers - they’d love to spend more time with their grandchildren.
Also, I’m aware that I’ve used my single mum status as an excuse not to face things that seem too daunting - accepting social invitations for example. I somehow turned from a gregarious party person into a semi recluse who wouldn’t answer the phone or open letters - I simply didn’t realise I was depressed for many years.
I couldn’t find anything specific on the BWHBC website, but this page does have contact information - I’d shoot them an e-mail and see if they can help you.
If I was in Englad, I’d check for you (but my version of the book is a US edition…so I guess that wouldn’t help).
Somewhat at a tangent, but if they can afford it, hiring someone to help with the housework would probably be of great benefit.
And why can’t she go out and visit? Or stay at home and entertain? Most people are understanding of the needs of mothers and babies, and the two-year old would likely love to meet some playmates.
Well, even the basics can be a stretch for them on a single salary (and her husband is a teacher at that). They seem to be able to handle the house alright, and her husband is also a great help in this regard, even though he’s working full-tiime and then some.
She does go out sometimes with the kids, especially to take the older one to play groups and such, and has made some friends that way. The main problems seem to be a) logistics; she doesn’t drive, although she’s been meaning to learn for years, and in their town of maybe 1,000 people, public transport isn’t exactly extensive; and b) she is so sleep-deprived, and probably a little depressed, that she can’t think straight (I just spoke to her briefly on the phone; we’ll coninue the conversation later today or tomorrow) to the point that she is forgetting words both in English and Spanish, and has convinced herself that a lot of things that would relieve the pressure on her are impossible or improbable.
On the bright side, her in-laws are taking the kids for the evening next Saturday so she and hubby can have an evening out to themselves for her birthday. Now if she weren’t feeling so guilty at the prospect, I’d see this as progress. Hell, she’s even feeling guilty at sending the older one to nursery school a couple of mornings a week; even though she knows intellectually that he needs to be around other kids and gain independence, somehow she feels like she’s abandoning him. (This probably has to do with some major baggage from her own childhood, and I don’t know how much a sigle book can do about that.)
Thanks for the advice, though, and keep it coming! (And thank God that prepaid phone cards have made frequent transatlantic calls a feasible option for those of us who aren’t filthy rich!)