Ugh. Relationship (or something) advice needed. Long, boring, dumb.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Somehow, at the tender age of 34, I’ve found myself with an actual normal boyfriend. Never having been here before, I’m a little unsure of how to behave.

First, the background. I collect art. I have quite a lot of it displayed in my home. The first time that New BF was at my home he asked some questions about a few of the pieces, we talked about them, etc. In particular, he asked me about a ceramic plate that I have - basically, the plate is the first item of “art” that I ever got. (It’s an original, signed by the artist, etc). I told him that, and that it was special for that reason, that it was a gift, etc. etc.

Well, last night he was goofing around with my dog and he backed into the shelf that the plate is on, and it promptly fell on the floor and broke into about 15 pieces. Oops.

Now he feels AWFUL. Much worse than I do, in fact. He’s insisting that he has to replace it - I told him not to worry about it, it was a gift from an ex-fiancé (I didn’t tell him that when he first asked - no sense bringing up ex’s, yano?), not my favorite piece, etc. etc. but he’s quite adamant that he has to replace it. Furthermore, he wants to replace it with the exact same plate. He wants to find the artist and have her make a new one, etc, etc. I told him that I got it more than 15 years ago, I’m not even sure where the artist is, it’s not a big deal, really, just to let it go.

However, he’s not letting it go. I suggested that if he really wanted to do something, he could pick out a new item and I’ll put that on the shelf instead, insisting that it’s really not necessary. But he’s not even happy with that, he wants to exactly replace my plate.

So what do I do? Let him hunt for days/weeks to find a frikin’ replacement? FWIW he glued the old plate and it looks fine. Obviously any sort of “art” value it has is gone now, but it’s questionable if it had any “art” value to begin with.

I’m feeling awful. He’s feeling awful. My dog and cat are feeling awful. What do I do? I’d really prefer if he would just let it go, but I don’t want to make a huge fuss about it, and he’s sort of insistent. Should I just let him waste his time replacing something that has only limited value to me? Jeez – all of my ex’s would have said it was my fault for having the stupid plate in that spot anyway, and make me feel so guilty about it I would probably buy THEM a gift to make them feel better. Now I have an actual nice guy wanting to do something nice, and I have no idea how to respond.

GAH!! What a stupid problem to have!

Humm - on re-read this is very MPSIMS-y, however, I am soliciting opinions. Mod, please move as you deem appropriate.

2

Show him lots of exciting new art, such as at the local outdoor art show, and then suggest lightly that a new piece with associated memories of him would be nice.

Maybe you could go to one of those places where you paint/glaze pottery together and then they fire it. :slight_smile:

(I may not have an SO, but I do love art…)

3

I think you let him know the former in polite but clear terms (“It didn’t mean that much to me. Really. If you want to replace it, I’d honestly prefer to pick out something else that would have meaning because it came from you.”). If he still insists, you let him replace it since that’s what he wants to do, but you don’t throw him a parade for it since he’s overridden your wishes to do it.

To me, the larger issue is that he isn’t listening to you. I don’t know how you tell him that without just saying, “Look, you’re not listening to me. I don’t WANT you to replace it. I want you to get me something ELSE, something we pick out TOGETHER.”

4

Interestingly enough, I said something very similar to this. His response was “Well, we can do that too!”

So now it sounds like I’m trolling for presents.

Honestly, I don’t mind if he gets me a new plate - it’s just a huge hassle for what really isn’t a big deal to me.

I don’t think I’m expressing myself very clearly to him. The problem is when the plate originally broke, I teared up a little - 100% because I have PMS and I was tired and whatever - but now I think he thinks that this plate was some super important thing to me and I’m just trying to spare his feelings or something.

Wow, am I ever bad at this stuff.

5

Sometimes it’s easier for people to just get “the easy gift” rather than put thought into it. Not that the plate is easy to find…it’s just that to this dude, replacing the plate makes the most sense to him and now he is on that track. He wants to do SOMETHING and finding something new isn’t the easy thing, and neither is trying to “translate” what you mean when you say “not needed.” You know what you mean but he just doesn’t know what you mean. Because people work that way sometimes.

I’ve told numerous boyfriends that I don’t like jewelry. They don’t see me wearing jewelry. But what is the easiest thing to get a woman? Jewelry. It’s more expensive and it does take some thought but it’s “easier” than thinking of what I might really want.

I don’t make a big fuss over it. I just roll with it. I think you need to just roll with it.

6

I’d just let him look for it. If he can’t find it, he can’t. If he happens to luck out, you’ve got a replacement for the broken one.

Some guys…

7

He does sound mostly nice and normal, but dude, let it go. Buy a nice, new plate together. You are new in the relationship, so maybe he’s not listening to you and trying too hard still. Just wait till you’ve been together a few years and he doesn’t listen to you OR try too hard. :smiley:

This kind of sounds like a family I used to know where they would almost get into angry arguments over not letting each other pay for things.

8

Its not a huge hassle for him, its a Quest. And if he manages to succeed, even with the help of a Mage and a Dwarf, it will be a big deal. And if he presents this impossible item to you, make a fuss, really. But if a substitute is actually found, llittle fuss.

9

I’m sure the Franklin Mint has an extensive back catalog.

::d&r::

10

You know, I was wondering if this was some sort of “Man-Mission” that he’s on or something. It’s like the more difficult I make finding the replacement sound, the more determined he is to find it.

I should have said I got it at Walmart.

11

He sounds like he’s not listening to you. I’ve had some pretty nice things annihilated by clumsy new girlfriends, and I hate it when they make a big deal out of it after I tell them not to worry. Accidents will happen. I say just grab him by the ears, tell him he’s annoying you by making a big deal out of it and that you’ve got other ways he can make it up to you. When he objects then just put your finger across his lips and say “stop, no, bad.” Continue this until he stops talking about it. If that doesn’t work then you’ve got bigger problems.

12

Gosh, do you think they have these?

The funniest part of that is that I actually have one of these tucked away somewhere that my grandparents got me when I was about 8. *The Room that Light Made" I believe is the title. :slight_smile:

13

It’s not that he’s trying to replace the plate, he’s trying to get you back to that place you were in- with respect to how you felt about him- before he broke it. He saw you tear up, and saw that you were affected by its loss. He likes you and feels that he screwed the pooch but good. He’s trying to go back in time and make it as if it never happened, or the closest approximation thereto.

Sit him down and say “look- yes, you broke the plate and it upset me. But although I wish it hadn’t happened, it’s really not that big a deal any longer. I like you and I don’t feel any differently toward you now than I did before it happened. I won’t hold a grudge about this and won’t throw it back in your face if some day down the road we have a fight. Now lets go out and get something together, and then you can buy me a nice dinner!”, or something along those lines.

Basically assure him that what happened won’t reflect badly on his chances with you. Er, you know what I mean, I hope.

14

I think you’re right. This morning he was mentioning how he “lost points” the night before, etc. I told him to quit being dumb.

You know, I never have issues like this with my dog.

15

I know people hate John Gray, but I think he’s brilliant. He says that men need to have their women respect their abilities. Doubtless he feels a right idiot, now, and he needs to slay a dragon for you to quit feeling that way.

Interestingly, I’ve had a conversation with gents at a distance and IRL about the issue of accomplishment and many say that they don’t really understand being cared about for who they are; they think it’s all about what they do. And he did a bad thing. So let him try to slay the dragon (his best bet may be e-Bay) but assure him that if that particular dragon can’t be found to be slain, you’ll be happy to have whatever he picks out instead.

16

Does he have a decent sense of humor? Your boyfriend, not the dog. Most dogs have a great sense of humor. Anyway, tell him he can make it up to you by cooking you a nice dinner at his place. Then show up with a package of paper plates and just say, “Ya know, just in case” You both laugh like children, eat a wonderful meal, have wicked sex and all is right with the world.

That’s how shit goes down in my fantasy world. :wink:

17

You need to give him hard time about it. After he is feeling pretty bad, tell him it’s OK; it’s not a big deal. As soon as he begins to perk up a bit, start in again about how it’s not a big deal but… you really loved the plate. A lot. Repeat. Forever.

I know it sounds cruel, but experience has taught me that this is the proper way to treat a boyfriend. :wink:

18

Uhhhh…

19

…

20

What jumps out at me in the narrative is that you teared up when the plate broke. Now, I know you’ve explained that your reaction was caused, at least in part, by PMS and/or tiredness, but in his world, he made you cry. This man sounds like a sensitive guy, and I can imagine that made him feel like crap.

I fancy myself a sensitive guy, and I’m thinking that after seeing you cry over the broken plate, your protestations about what a minor deal it is might seem like well-intended but less than honest efforts to make me feel better. I would probably view the tears that formed as truer indications of your state of mind than your later statements about how little it mattered. (After all, as a general rule, when someone breaks something that is important to you, you are supposed to tell that person, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing.” We’re conditioned to expect that response regardless of the injured party’s true feelings.)

As for what you should do, I dunno. But I’m not surprised that he continues to ascribe more importance to the event than you believe is warranted.