Would you be upset if your spouse bought new plates without you?

I have hated the plates we had for three years. Not only were they chipped to hell and not microwave safe, they were (IMO) butt-ugly, AND they had been picked by his ex-wife. I’d told him several times that when we had the money, I wanted to get some new plates. We talked about what sort we would both like (nothing too flowery, etc.) Last night, he came home with a bunch of new plates and bowls. He said he had gone to the store to pick up a trash can, and saw things on sale and decided to buy them. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset that I didn’t have any say in choosing them! Not only that, had I been consulted, I would have said 1. “Gee, at this point in time, wouldn’t it be better to spend money on things for our baby that’s due in April? Like, oh, say, a friggin’ CAR SEAT since we don’t have an infant car seat?” and 2. “IF you feel we simply must have plates soon, wouldn’t it be better to wait two weeks until the next paycheck when the rent and car payment aren’t due?” He brought home plain white plates, which I might have chosen anyway-- but I wasn’t given a choice, and that’s what chaps my hide. Now he’s spinning it as “I just wanted to surprise you, and now you’re being ungrateful.” :mad:

So now, I feel like he sees me as something akin to the family dog-- pleasant to have around, but not deserving of being consulted for an opinion. (This isn’t the first thing that makes me feel this way, but it may be the last straw. Despite the fact he says he wants me to be a stay at home mother, he seems to have no respect for me if I’m not bringing home a paycheck. Considering that I’m due in April and unlikely to find a job that would recoup the cost of caring for an infant, it seems most cost-efficent to me to do exactly what I’m doing. Which is also what I want and what he SAYS he wants.) Is it so bizarre to want to choose the pattern of your plates together, and not be handed them as a fait accompli? If I wanted to be ordered around all day, I would have joined the military, not gotten married! And, now we are coming up short because he assumed a check he had written about a month ago for car repairs had cleared, and they in fact deposited it today. So that was money we REALLY didn’t need to be spending.

Wow, I’d say your problems go a hell of a lot deeper than a set of dishes, especially since you claim they’re like ones you might have picked.

This is one of those things people fight about that make me go “Huh?”

This is also one of those things guys make fun of women for. “She’s getting all emotional about plates? She wanted plates, I got plates! They were on sale!” (Much brotherly grunting follows).

I don’t want this to sound harsh, but I think if you’re getting this upset over the plates, the plates are not the problem.

What’s wrong with him wanting to surprise you? I think it’s kind of sweet that he went and got something he knew you’d been wanting to get in order to surprise you with them.


Good golly dern keyboard.
Anyways, I wholeheartedly disagree with not being mad about the plates. Not Microwave safe? That is wholey ludicrious in my book and would drive me bonkers. Plates aren’t jewelery, they are the functional and decorative touch needed to live and entertain!

Let him suprise you with diamonds, not sets of an eating apparatus!

You might want to check with you Health Care Provider, especially if it’s an HMO group. Many of them provide infant car seats to members, either for a small monthly rental fee or even for free.

Upset? Question is, would I notice?
Oh, and for those of you wondering about the level of emotion directed at a dish purchase, maybe you missed this part:

Having had a wife who was pregnant, I’d say he got off easy.

To answer the title question of the OP: probably not.

Look at it this way, you guys discussed what dishes you would want to get, and he saw them while in a store and on sale…you might have done the same thing, and he probably thought that it would be a surprise you would be really happy about. Maybe he’s trying to do the right thing and coddle you.

Now, the impossible-to-take-in-the-way-it-is-meant-advice if you are in a defensive mood:

Did you already quit your job? You’re might be feeling really anxious about being pregnant, and you’re right that the benefits of being a Stay At Home Mom outweigh those of a mom who tries “to do it all,” but if you are having a “normal” pregnancy, that is, not confined to bed rest by doctor’s orders, there’s no reason why you should be stuck at home just yet unless you want to be.
Sometimes pregnancy hormones are thrown into a turmoil and you feel trapped by a burgeoning love parasite, but remember that this, and the partner, are choices you made. Also remember that at 21 weeks, the baby can hear, so take it easy with the fighting. Reading books prenatally can feel silly at first but will become a soothing exercise, and studies show that infants suckle more when listening to books read to them in utero (so it could help if you’ve got a fussy nurser in your future;))

You say there are other factors, and there must be, because what has been indicated really doesn’t seem like much.

Anyway, do what’s best for you, and the baby, and get into the experience, because according to the books, this is the most fun period of the pregnancy…you should be done with the nausea and (especially if this is your first pregnancy and you were physically fit in the first place) you aren’t too heavy yet.

You’ll need to sign up for childbirth classes and this is an opportunity for you two (your husband and yourself) to share the experience more, because remember that he is probably feeling isolated from the experience and maybe even guilty. You’ve been sick, and you’re stressed, you won’t be able to work, and he (sort of) did that to you. The fiscal security of the family lies on his shoulders (and you mention the car’s had trouble and that makes everything extra wobbly) and he might feel scared about that and maybe resentful that it’s all up to him. You don’t say if this is his first child, but that can effect his feelings as well.

Anyway, try and put yourself in his shoes, try to step outside of the situation to really look at each other–sometimes writing things down in lists and pros and cons help with objective viewing–and enjoy this pre-baby time. Imagine how fast you can whip out the whole year’s baby wardrobe on the needles-- baby things are so small! Knit, relax, imagine how much soft his/her skin will be, that baby smell, how beautiful it will be to see you two in one person…enjoy sleeping relatively uninterrupted through the night…enjoy the sex you two can have now (while hormones can be making you extra sensitive ;)) and enjoy your little pink person.

Have to agree. Plates aren’t a problem - unless it’s fine china or something. My folks would buy new plates and new glasses for everyday use when needed (usually after my brother and I destroyed a few on several different occassions) without consulting each other.

Either not consulting you on the plates isn’t really the problem or you’re really, really anal about your dishes.

I’m divorced, but (theoretically) if my spouse decided that she should have new vanity tags on her car or wanted to replace her dentures, I wouldn’t object.

I’d be HAPPY if my husband brought home new plates and would think it was sweet that he remembered that I wanted new ones.

Unless I was pregnant, then he would have to die. :smiley:

If it was just the plates, I probably wouldn’t care. But to me, the plates are the latest in a long line of things that I had no friggin’ choice about. I MIGHT have picked plain white… but I kind of doubt it. It’s right in that it’s not flowery, or too kuntry kute… but it’s probably not what I would have wanted. They seem so… industrial.


As you say, MinniePurl, this is really just a symptom of other problems in your relationship.

I’d still be mad about the plates, though.

I definitely won’t mind if my SO brings home new plates. She definitely has better artistic senses and tastes :smiley: Even if hers are as bad as mine, I wouldn’t get upset over these little things.

Oh, I’m sure it’s hormones and the other things.

That said, Males simply aren’t trained to care about dishes. Here’s how my Guy Interpretation System wrote the scene.

Man vaguely remembers something about needing new dishes being talked about at some point. Man goes into Local Dish Emproium and is confronted by a wide array of dishes in all kinds of colors, patterns, and styles. Man, being a man, wanders around in a daze for 30 minutes. His brain is going, “Man, I didn’t even know they MADE this many dishes. How do you know which ones to get?” Being male, he cannot possibly ask for help or his membership card will be revoked.

So then he sees something on sale and it’s plain white. “White goes with everything, right? Or something like that. And hey, they’re on sale!” So he purchases the dishes and feels PLEASED with himself because he managed to pick something out for the house and he saved money. And then when he gets home, the wife is MAD at him for a whole laundry list of things that he may or may not have done, but HIS point of view is “You wanted plates? I got plates! Whassa problem!”

I’m just sayin’…

Industrial, utilitarian. You mean like the kind of plates you might buy if you saw them on sale and money was tight because you were expecting a baby? Okay, just checking.

This may be very well be the last in a long line of things, but it’s the only incident you mention, and just from that it sounds like he didn’t do anything wrong.

I couldn’t imagine being pissed off if my wife brought home dinner plates and I’d wager she feels the same way. Then again, we might not be the best couple to ask, as I can’t imagine spending any time at all discussing something so mundane as dinner plate patterns.

I think that because you’re pregnant, your hormones are all up the wahooey, and things will be viewed by you in extreme perspectives in that situation.

As a fully paid up married male; I wouldn’t have the faintest idea where to get plates. I know there must be plate shops and that they didn’t get to our house because of the plategnomes (a subdivision of Underpant gnomes Inc). However where these are is an unknown.

You’re probably just acting mental because you’re pregnant. My Missus was sectionable for nine months straight with both of ours. I never incurred her wrath over kitchen ware though.