Batters? That’s summat to do wi’ fish and chips.
Batsmen, old boy. Hence, “The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willie”. 
Boxing Day Test - Melbourne Cricket Ground
Australia vs United States of America. USA three for seventy-nine…
…naah, this mental imagery is screwing with my mind.
Ooh, that’s just evil. Evil I tell you! And something worth fighting over.
Hmm, I’ve been thinking about it and it was probably a bad idea to post your invasion plan on an American message board. Unless you wanted us to get all worked up over a possible invasion. But why would you want that? Who stands to gain by turning the US and the UK against each other? Who?
I think it’s France.
Aw, shit.
::Looking around frantically for a horse. Dejected until I spy my beagle, Buddy, lounging in the corner::
**THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!! **
Where are the freaking SDMB Minutemen?
Now I’m just a guy from Wisconsin, once, hey, and I gotta ask some questions before making up my noggin if I’m gonna hafta be a patriot and all dat dere.
1). When I’m forced to eat haggis, do I consume da bucket of Scotch before or after noshing on a sheeps tum-tum?
2). Pasty white flesh and third-world orthadonture. Well, dat kinda says it all, don’t it?
3). Couldja take back da Plantagenet lands in France while yer at it? They’d surrender much quicker than we would, donchaknow. And dere cheese is almost as good as ours, I hear.
4). You realize (dat’s with a zee - not a zed) dat once September comes around and you try to pass a buncha one-named Brazillians off as football players dere will be an uprising the likes of which yous have not seen since your king Chuck got his head removed. Tea tax? Who gives a rat’s ass about dat? Replace Brett Favre (I know his name’s French, but really, s’cool) with Guidinho? Dammit, dat’s when I get out my blumberbuss.
5). You’re not going to make us drive those tiny little cars that ram my knees up into my nostrils, are ya? I kinda like ta have knees widout snot all over dem, thankyouverymuch.
6). You’d replace our current monarchy wit yer own, right? Would we get Tony Blair wit da deal? If so, couldja make him a little less… smarmy?
7). Would the original version of Bedazzled finally be released on DVD?
8). Would you promise never to drop another Spice Girls bomb on us?
If you would just be kind enough to answer dese here questions once, I’d be happy to review the application for dominion.
This is in danger of turning into Red (White, and Blue) Dawn.
Where the hell are America dopers defending our sweet homeland of dinner rolls (with honey, please), black-eyed peas, and fried okra? I’ve got a couple of things to say here:
O. J. Was convicted in the second trial, though no one noticed because it would have sparked race riots. Anyway, give him a break; the dude rushed for 2003 yards in a single season, and if I’m not mistaken, that was back when a season was only 12 games. Who could convict him on that?
The gun laws are precisely why your nefarious plan will never succeed, my Watney’s-swilling friends. Think it over; we are the most heavily armed society on Earth*, plus we know the territory. You may make some headway in Boulder, CO, and maybe Berkeley, CA, but frankly, you’re welcome to them. Those insecure culture-whores are already on their backs waiting for you. To take over areas like the Southeastern U.S., though, you’d need a thousand Baptist preachers plus several tankers of Budweiser (reminds me… better go get a beer…).
Bring it on. Our steroid-addled monsters will knock your metric-system pitching to Mars.
And by the way, y’all better be careful; keep talking it up and you’ll find out what it’s like to be a colony for a while.
Color.
Favorite.
Theater.
Center.
Ha!
*Statistic I just made up, but it sounds believable, and anyway, we are far more armed than you, which is the point.
We have Ann Widdecombe!
But Fran, just think how boring it would be to play Mornington Cresent using Amtrack. A non-starter really.
Late breaking news… France has gotten wind of this invasion and have launched a pre-emptive strategic surrendering.
Well, we’ve got them confused in Wisconsin.
Semp obviously doesn’t realise that the Haggis is not a sheeps tum.
As I am already here as part of the advanced group of SAS (Subjugate American Simpletons), I have begun the first phase.
Have increased the size of the American sheeps arses so that pulling the wool over the Americans eyes is easier. The Americans are known for having big heads.
Have started using English dialects so that they cannot understand our communications. Yes, I know that the Americans have a problem with English anyway, but this will confuse even the few clever ones. We’ll be lakin up a ginnel before they know what’s happening.
Have consumed vast quantities of their terrible beer so that there will be more room for supplies of our wonderful brews.
We have started a plan to change their driving habits. Today, it has been decreed that all the trucks will drive on the left of the roads. When they have got used to that we will decree that all the other vehicles can also drive on the left.
Phase two will begin soon.
We can also confuse them by making them dance the “Gay Gordons”.
Nah, the gay gordons is easy. A flying scotsman or a hooligan’s jig is a much better way of confusing people.
Or Stripping the Willow!
Of course, we shouldn’t forget that we also have trainspotters to bore them into submission.
And can we use Ann Robinson as a weapon, or would that be outlawed by the Geneva Convention?
I was going to stand and fight, but if you’re going to start winging used contraceptives from former Spice Girls at us, well then…
God save our gracious Queen…
Not too late for the invasion am I, chaps? Hate it when that happens.
I have a suggestion:
Kidnap all the Upstart Nation’s leaders by means of the cunning ‘tap on the shoulder and drag into a cupboard’ method;
Keep said policiticians in said cupboard, forcefeed them PG Tips and Bird’s Eye fishfingers, and strap the blighters’ eyes open to watch Heartbeat, The Good Life, and Grange Hill on a loop. Plus Countdown, but - and here’s the rub - with the answer to the numbers game edited out! Hah!
In the meantime, smuggle in (through the cunning moustache-and glasses disguise) the managers of Railtrack, G4, the Tory Party and St Andrew’s University as replacements for the leaders currently in the closet cupboard. Chaos and confusion will result forthwith. (What do you mean this already happened? Bollocks, knew I was late…)
You guys almost pulled it off. I WAS distracted, but all the whispering and becks and nods amongst yourselves gave you away.
Well, I’m watchin’ y’all veeerrrryyy carefully from now on. Anymore becking and nodding, and we’ll be on the ramparts before you can say, “giant wooden badger”.
Well by way of apology, Bluesman, please accept this surprisingly large wooden badger.
Now, if you could just leave it unsupervised at night and ignore any muffled voices that’d be great.
surprisingly large … snort!
I laughed myself hoarse at this.
You see, this is precisely why this is never going to work.
Heads up…profanity inbound.
It has been one hundred fucking degrees in Washington for a week now. Temperatures that high sustained for any period have been known to make Brits heads explode and their handbags melt.
And Washington DC is still only half as far south as it gets. Wait’ll you see west Texas.
And you want to minimize the cold drink angle?
I’d say you should hold off until Christmas. But then you’d hit Chicago and Minnesota and you guys ain’t ready for that, either. I know you think you have winters there…but you don’t. Not really.
Admit it. You’re better off where you are with that gulfstream thing moderating your temperatures. So you live with some rain. Beats freezing and frying, right?
The Secret Diary of American Mole
July 3, 2001
Exciting news … We are going to reclaim all our former territories!
Apparently The United States is first. (It’s the most difficult because there will obviously be linguistic difficulties, compared to say Normandy)
The instructions for joining up are a little difficult to read (because I spilt tea on them), but I am ready for the call.
Watched Buffy. V. Good.
July 4, 2001
Am still awaiting call.
Watched Angel. Also V. Good.
July 5, 2001
Bitter disappointment!
It appears that the well-laid plans were foiled by ‘leaves on the line’. :mad:
This would be understandable in Autumn, but clearly we need new leadership.
Watched Buffy repeat. V. Good, but predictable.
July 3, 2002
Dear Diary,
Iam sorry I have not confided in you for so long.
I was saddened by the total failure of our reclamation plans. (I know the local council has dredged the village pond, but I was hoping for a bigger result.)
Watched Fraser. V. Witty. It got me thinking - why is reclaim spelt with an i, but not reclamation? Perhaps we need a new military alliance … to reclaim the i!
Expect Willow would be impressed by my dry English humour.
Of course she is now gay. Yet I am still V. Attracted to her (and her fair companion, Amber, also).
Perhaps I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. 
July 4, 2002
Joy unsurpassed! (Unless Willow shows up on my doorstep 
)
Britain finally has her Joan of Arc de Triomphe - General Francesca Wokingham.
Time is short (which reminds me: time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana 
)
Where was I?
Oh, yes - the stealthily sneaky surreptitiously surprising … errr, what word means invade and starts with an S?
Anyway my part will be to dress up as a paratrooper (or a nun - I’m not sure which) and, clutching a packet of Earl Grey, exchange it with some American holding his Twinkie.
That sounds rude! 
Must go now - it is impossible to predict when this foreign anniversary will happen again.
July 5, 2002
:o
Was thrown out of surprisingly large badger for:
:o
July 6, 2002
Watched CSI, followed by Law and Order.
Assistant DA Jamie Ross is jolly scrumptious.
Apparently (I have been reading up on the invasion target) she would be called ‘fit’ in the US.
I know Buffy works out, but surely an assistant DA spends a lot of time researching legal precedent. She wouldn’t have time to exercise…