It occurs to me that today many of our American friends are busy eating meat, getting hot and watching fireworks. It’s a national holiday and they’re all relaxed. Some may even partake of a few beers.
Here’s what I say: it’s the perfect time to reclaim. They won’t be expecting it. So distracted will they be with succulent corn breads, bar b q-ed ribs and women in hot-weather clothes, we could slip in unnoticed and infiltrate. Build from the ground up. Put down a flag, have someone draw up some papers, get Dubya to sign something while he’s distracted by the pretty lights in the sky and bish bosh it’s ours.
Obviously, it’s a big place and we are but small in number. So we must start small. I propose… this very board. Just think: it is a bastion of clear thinking and sensible grammar. If we mount a suprise attack, we could quickly overwhelm them and the more intelligent among them will put up no resistance. It’s clear, after all, that all these parades today are but a mask for the underlying sorrow that is their wish to belong once again to the motherland. They will thank us for it, and we will offer them consolatory crumpets.
I’m game. Problem is, I love eating meat, getting hot and watching fireworks too. And let’s not even get started on the beers. I can feel myself going native even as we speak.
That said, we’re outnumbered - by quite a bit. Plus they have cheese whiz. I’ve never known quite what this is (and have been tempted but ultimately afraid to ask). But I bet in the right hands it can be used as a potent weapon.
<channelling Rik Mayall> Richard Richard: Cheesy dip? Spudgun & Little Dave Hedgehog: Yes. Richard Richard: Yes, me too. There’s something going round.
</channelling Rik Mayall>
[ul]
[li]Try to use the words “colour” “favour” and “arse” as much as possible. That’ll put them on the back foot for starters.[/li]
[li]Strategic cakes and biscuits. We need as many as you can muster. Victoria sponges, digestives, fig newtons. Even ginger nuts in a pinch.[/li]
[li]Moustaches. A proper stiff upper lip requires a moustache, preferably one that can be moulded with wax into attractively bushy shapes. Think General Melchett.[/li]
[li]Plant a flag. You can’t go wrong with a flag planted in the ground to tell people who’s boss.[/li]
[li]Pike, try not to trip over the flag.[/li][/ul]
I am of course open to further suggestions.
((Hmmm… My Inky sense is tingling, which can mean only one of two things! Either the British plan to re-claim the colonies, or somebody’s just opened a bag of Walkers salt and vinegar crisps!))
**Francesca, can I be Private Fraser? “Doomed doomed”? Or perhaps a paratrooper dressed as a nun, or vice versa?
One thing though, why do we want them?
Wishing a very happy day to all our unsuspecting targets.
We most certainly do not know how to queue. We know how to stand in line (and some East coast freaks stand on line). But I will fight to the death before I ever ‘queue’
Wait - wouldn’t it be terribly impolite to reclaim while they’re busy? Can’t we all sit down and discuss it over a pot of Earl Grey and plate of rich tea?
)
