I’ve been…under the weather…lately (never mind DSL-less) and was unable to watch my boys play, so I asked a friend of mine to report for me. I have received this report, but am unsure whether it represents a fair reflection of the game.
Your thoughts, please? Is my good friend an accurate reporter, or shall I tell him he needs a new job?
8 min - Quiet opening spell enlivened when Benítez rubs hands together to alleviate effects of cold weather.
12 min - Mascherano tries speculative shot from 25 yards. Ball going wide of left hand post, but takes wicked deflection off Yobo leaving Howard stranded. Everton 0 Liverpool 1.
17 min - Bilyaletdinov misses sitter for Everton.
23 min - All Everton since Liverpool goal. Bilyaletdinov misses another easy chance.
25 min - Put kettle on.
26 min - Jo wastes great opportunity for Everton.
27 min - Kettle boils. Make tea. Note absence of HobNobs in biscuit tin so write ‘HobNobs’ on shopping list.
33 min - Jo nets for Everton but goal disallowed for marginal offside.
36 min - Inspect fingernails for blemishes. Remove hangnail with clippers.
41 min - Rare Liverpool attack sees Insua head cross from Johnson goalwards but Howard makes great reaction save.
42 min - Bilyaletdinov misses another one.
43 min - Jo nets again from close range but goal disallowed because of Yobo foul.
(HalfTime - Watch Jamie Redknapp’s analysis on first 45 minutes. Fortunately sound on mute so unable to hear what he’s saying.)
56 min - Liverpool slowly coming back into game. Benítez scratches chin.
60 min - Fellaini elbows Lucas in face but referee plays advantage. Note blood on face of Lucas.
60 min - Faint.
61 min - Wake up.
63 min - Admire grass pattern on Goodison Park pitch. Wonder how my lawn would look with pretty green squares.
64 min - Decide Fellaini requires immediate haircut in order to avoid looking like idiot.
65 min - Observe bandage above Agger’s left eye. Wonder how it happened. Conclude I’ve been distracted at some point by animated elephants strolling along advertising hoardings for Chang beer.
66 min - Saha on for Jo.
67 min - Johnson adjusts socks.
69 min - Benítez gesticulates wildly before sticking finger into right ear. (Suspect earwax overload in Benítez ear canal.)
71 min - Reina parries well from Cahill. Fellaini fails to put in the rebound, possibly because of bad haircut.
75 min - Benayoun on for Ngog (and not before time, either).
76 min - Benítez extends both arms and makes that circling motion all managers use when they think they are in camera shot.
78 min - Riera on for Aurelio. Am surprised because I hadn’t realised Aurelio was on pitch until now.
80 min - Yobo miskicks in Everton penalty area. Loose ball eventually reaches Riera who shoots. Howard fails to gather ball and Kuyt slots home from close range. Everton 0 Liverpool 2.
82 min - Benítez scratches nose.
86 min - Neill on for Yobo, who departs straight down tunnel to hang head in shame.
89 min - Howard saves well from Riera.
91 min - Benítez puts hands in pockets but realises he’s left mints at home so takes hands out of pockets.
(FullTime - Change channel before Jamie Redknapp reappears.)
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Man of the Match: Everton Groundsman (9/10)
Post-Match Action Points:
(1) Get estimate from Everton groundsman re lawn.
(2) Write David Moyes re Fellaini. Attach list of 5 most ruthless barbers on Merseyside.
(3) Send bottle of olive oil to Benitez with recommendation to get ears syringed.
