How could you know the meme-onic sway of the Conspiracy is only matched by the raw power of the Fellowes® Powershred®?
I have underestimated your resourcefulness, a mistake I will not make again.
Your throw of Innuendo, Exaggeration, and Outright Slander! is known to me, and has many counters, but I will not hesitate to use a slippery and unrevealing one:
An Expensive Team of High Powered Latte Loving Lawers.
I anxiously await to see your answer to…
**W.C. Fields’ Rosacea **!
CheapBastid has made a crucial slip in defending himselve with An Expensive Team of High Powered Latte Loving Lawers, by revealing his training in the Indonesian Jade Weasel style. (They take a vow to always misspell the word “Lawyers.”)
But I am fairly confident that W.C. Fields’ Rosacea lies outside the scope of their technique.
It is clear that CheapBastid feels cautiously confident that his disguise and misdirection will hamper my ability to counter his offensives, however my near-encyclopaedic knowledge of Rochambo styles will serve to foil him yet.
Mentally, I sort through the card index of throws and counterthrows …
Waiter, Rude French
Waiting to Exhale, Being Forced to Watch
Wasset, Snow
Warp Core Breach
Warthog, Dancing/Singing/Disney
Water Moccasin
aha!
W.C. Fields’ Rosacea!
Of course, I should have known. Rosacea has a generic counter: 12-Step Program!
The time has come to test your mettle, CheapBastid, to plumb the depths of your Rochambo skills and find the kernel of discipline which will reveal your true methods to all competitors.
Counter, if you can, the dreaded Red Herring!
Your attempts to discover my training amuse me, and will be your downfall, as I counter your Red Herring easily with a Blue Meanie rendering it an uninteresting shade of mauve.
No-one expects the Rusted Garden Weasel!
Aha! A color-color counteroffensive! Just as I anticipated. Though you could have played a Yellow Submarine or even a White Album, it is quite clear that you have trained extensively in the polychromatic defensive techniques of the Giant Midget People of Borneo!
Oh, you apply a thin disguise by using the ubiquitous Rusted Garden Weasel maneuver of the Cry of the Jackal sect, but your overconfidence has led you to the very brink of disaster!
For I know the true counter to a Rusted Garden Weasel is the time-honored play of WD40 and a Good, Swift Kick!
What pocket of knowledge will you draw a defense from, when faced with the versatile and deadly Meryl Streep?
The use of Meryl Streep and her many accents poses a threat to the inexperienced, but not to one who has had to sit through a double feature of Ironweed and The Seduction of Joe Tynan. I counter her with Divine who fecal fancies from beyond the grave cause Meryl to remove herself from public life and live as a ascetic nun in The Kingdom of Bhutan.
How do you answer the call of the Ricola Alp Horn?
A Ricola Alp Horn is easily countered by a One man band with a monkey Not only can he play the Alp horn, but he is an expert in the Swiss Water Gong and the South African Tin Flute.
Now, I pitty the foo who trys to counter Mr. T and the rest of the A-Team!
BTW, I’m winning the battle against the Flu as we speak. Mmmm…lotsa drugs.
Coach: What the hell was that!?
drewbert: Man, I’m sorry, I thought the common cold hadn’t been done before…
Coach: It’s been done three times before, you numbskull!
drewbert: I… I just can’t remember eleven pages of posts…
Coach: No excuses! You can do better than a cold anyway. Come on, where’s your fighting spirit?
drewbert: I’ve still got it coach, honest!
Coach: My God, son, I haven’t seen a shellaquing that bad since someone slipped a dozen No-Doz into Norm Abrams’ third straight double espresso!
drewbert: Oh, it couldn’t have been that bad!
Coach: Aw, man you’ve lost it. Useless! I’m throwin’ in the towel, do ya hear me? *I SWEAR I’M ***ING THROWIN’ IN THE TOWEL!
drewbert: No, Coach! Wait! I can do better! I can turn it around!
Coach: Whaddya think this is, son, the movies? The Mighty Ducks? Major League II? Little Giants? Air Bud?? Ain’t no ex-cons, bad seeds, or chimpanzees gonna join the team and save the day for you.
drewbert: Just one more chance, man, one more chance!
Coach: OH, all right, already!
drewbert: Promise?
Coach: Yeah, I promise. But look, before you go out there, I gotta make sure you’ve got a good counterattack. Whaddya got?
drewbert: Well… um… I was just at the grocery store… aaand… the produce there was awful! I mean, the onions are small and have this really funny brown color… and –
Coach: You’re not telling me you’re seriously planning to use a lousy produce section as your counterattack?
drewbert: Well, I thought it was pretty horrifying…
Coach: Good God what have I got myself into?
drewbert: Well how about this? [sub]whisperwhisperwhisper[/sub]
Coach: No, someone already used Roseanne.
drewbert: Damn. Okay… how about… [sub]whisperwhisperwhisper[/sub]
Coach: Eh… go ahead, try it… it’s your own funeral, kid.
drewbert: You know, everyone else has Rochambo trainers who look like Pat Morita on steroids.
Coach: Ahh, bite me.
With a yodel, of course.
And now… shield your eyes… for I bring to the field… the phone company’s Internet service technical support bureaucracy!
In a gust of wind, swirling dust, and mighty “hi-ho, Silver!,” Busta Rib returns to the melee, barely escaping the clutches of the evil Corporate World of Action Items, Agendas, and All-Day Meetings! I see witticisms are afoot, animals astray, and fresh meat is in play. Well met, my worthy competitors!
If anything, my vast training in the dark ways of the Kung Pao Mountain Sherpas has tought me this…observe your opponents, analyze their patterns, discover their weaknesses, and snicker at the silly noises they make when they strike. So, drewbert advances with the Red Tape Offensiveand thrusts with the phone company’s Internet service technical support bureaucracy. Bah!! With any such maneuver, simply counter with Obfuscation and Plausible Deniability as you subvert the ubiquitous red tape by surfing the Internet at work, on company time, and then lie about it the next day!!!
With my keen sense of observation (and the benefit of instant replay on my TIVO), I have detected an opportunity to strike a crushing blow upon my fellow combatants as you bicker over the credentials of your formal Rochambo training. If you’d gone to an accredited 1A college instead of an independent, you wouldn’t be worrying about credits transferring. But I digress.
First I distract you with the alluring scent of General Tso’s Chicken, and then reveal my true attack. Now feel the Terror and know the Horror, the likes of which Joseph Conrad and Robert Downey Jr. could never understand, and ponder the ghastly sight of accidentally catching your parents in the act of having sex!! :eek: Avert your eyes or forever see the evil image burned in your skull!!
Where’s my misplaced "******?! D’oh!!
Parents having sex…, I’d swear this attack has been done before. Well, I know for a fact it was done at least once, 28 years ago, but you know what I mean 
Cheap, you’ve chosen to take this fight to a personal level? So be it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, you will find a special little something waiting for you.
Tonight, I leave you with: the girl that seems interested, calls you all the time, meets you places and is genuinely friendly, but isn’t actually interested in anything more. That’s right, the “let’s be friends” attack. Insidious. Unexpected and insurmountable save the most heroic efforts.
Enjoy.
Thinksnow puts himself in great jeopardy by playing the girl that seems interested, calls you all the time, meets you places and is genuinely friendly, but isn’t actually interested in anything more. This is a patented move of the Hokkaido Steam Bath Monkey Herders, an organization well known for jealously protecting its secrets.
I once faced off with Master Yugo Mitsubishi of that order, at the '96 Pan-Asia Rochambofest. He played The Girl but I was handily able to block it then, as I do today, with Angst-Ridden Bad Poetry.
The Image of Your Parents Having Sex is a somewhat more esoteric maneuver, originated, I believe, by the Sri Lankan cult of the Nine Cheese Wheel Juggler.
I’ve never faced a master of that art before, but I did go up against a Frenchman adept in the Brie Flinger style at an exhibition for the Desert Storm troops in Saudi Arabia in 1991.
He attacked with the similarly disturbing Your Grandmother Naked, but I was able to counter neatly with the move I’ll use against Busta now: Years of High-Priced Therapy.
Now for my assault. I face no mundanes here. The competition has been sharpened to a razor’s edge. My old rival Busta Rib fights on with the tenacity of a Pit Bull. Thinksnow continues to work complex and dangerous techniques on us all. Drewbert clings to life despite taking some hard hits, while Magdalene lurks on the periphery. And of course, the enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a baggie that is CheapBastid is far from answered.
I’ll have to dig deep into my repertoire, into the layers of training I received on the banks of the Yangtze under Master Snopes of the Wooden Spoon technique, and let fly Headlight-Flasher-Murdering Gang Initiation!
Ouch, I’m hurt. Left off the list. Obviously I haven’t made a big enough impression. Headlight-Flasher-Murdering Gang Initiation! Was a problem in our community as well, but later (no pun intended) died out. It was easily countered by ** America’s Most Wanted**
Growing up in the heart of the projects and studying under the “drunken master” led me to discover the true power of the Urban Legend! Feel the disappointment as you realize that Altoids have no real effect on the pleasures of oral sex, (hmm, maybe I should run some more tests on that) and what about the one with the gerbil and the actor?
To be faced with the challenge of the Urban Legend is daunting indeed. The uncertain question of fact or fiction tickles the brain and perpetuates a numbing paranoia over any mere mortal. But we are professionals (please kids, don’t try this at home, particularly with sharp implements, unless supervised by a certified Rochambo instructor). As such, I sustain your formidable, but ineffective attack by countering with Dumbfounding Decisions Made by Movie Characters Most Likely to Die in a Horror Film (e.g., continuing down a dark hallway knowing the killer is STILL inside the house instead of turning on the lights, high-tailing it out of there, and calling 911. Morons.) Wrap your brains around that for awhile!
To keep you unbalanced, I’ll press with The White-man’s Overbite and a combination Diagonal Finger Point maneuver. Stand back, Busta Rib is cutting some rug!! Awww, yeah!!!
Ah-hah! A double attack, eh?
The Diagonal Finger Point is masterfully countered by an ancient pair of ** Gilded Chinese Finger Cuffs**. And as for the White-man’s Overbite, the superb dentristry of Dr. Fixabite is put to work as he fashions the $4,000-mouthful of Braces.
Now, for my attack…
I must admit, the horror of The Image of your Parents Having Sex is somewhat unmatchable. If I burrow deeply into my bag-o-tricks, let’s see what I can come up with…
::burrowing::
YES! Here it is…! I shall unleash The Relentless Rioting of the Ani DiFranco Fan Club at a Male-Chauvinist Rally!!!
ckryder is taken in by the simple trick of leaving him off an informal list of competitors. How better to thwart an opponent crafty enough to throw Frivolous Lawsuit than to strike at his ego? Such a one must be handled with subtlety, for he can smell fear and must not be allowed to know the dread he inspires in his competition.
Busta Rib returns, countering the recent Urban Folkore-themed throws with one of his own before following up with the deadly White-man’s Overbite/Diagonal Finger Point combo. Not since the debacle that was the '85 Western Regional Semi-Pro Rochambo Finals have I seen this blatantly illegal maneuver used.
I remember it well. Carlo Muskrat, the “Kajun Killer,” threw that move on me when the ring judge was distracted. I was taken aback, but managed to counter it (as I do today) with a well-placed African-American Comedian, the foil to Caucasian dancing everywhere.
Now, my fellow competitors, the gloves are off. Prepare yourselves for Tijuana Donkey Show!
The Relentless Rioting of the Ani DiFranco Fan Club at a Male-Chauvinist Rally is over as soon as ** day-time soaps** come on TV.
My attack needs no justification Here is the deplorable word:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=57100
Not for the weak of heart, the Tijuana Donkey Show is a move used only by true professionals. What many fail to remember, is the man with the whistle and the bottle of tequila that, for $10 (US) will pour you an overflowing mouthful of liquid forgetfulness. <poof> No donkey. No stretched out Mexican. I know this because, and Scupper was there, in the '78 Tourney, we met this nefarious villian and lost many a brain cell to him.
Hmmm, having mentioned drinking, this is your contest: drink a tall glass of orange juice right after brushing your teeth!
Ha! I turn my nose up at your tall glass of OJ, and thus nullify your drink a tall glass of orange juice right after brushing your teeth attack by refusing to drink it. And since I practice immaculate hygiene, I’ll proceed to brush my teeth with no ill effects. Take that, you malnourished street urchins and groveling whelps! Eat my bread crumbs.
In my early years, when I practiced the art of bonsai, I grew to appreciate the subtle ways in which nature works, and how humans always try to screw things up and manipulate objects to our liking. In this same vein, I attack with the proverbial Jedi Mind Shit, and cause you to first say silly things like “Go ahead and take my lunch money, I don’t need it”, and then follow by forcing you to eat the dreaded Yellow Snow!!! Feel the powah of the Dark Side!!! [herff-hehrrh, herff-hehrrhh. cough, cough]
As a moderator I laugh, LAUGH, at your yellow snow.
And I counter with the dreaded “this thread is getting too long and I may have to close it fairly soon, so the winner is going to be whoever get’s here firstest with the brownest nose” strategy.
Ah, so it is time for the time-honored strategy of “this thread is getting too long and I may have to close it fairly soon, so the winner is going to be whoever get’s here firstest with the brownest nose”, is it?
Like the Bow Dance at the end of a Sumo tournament, this is to be the swan song of our mighty competition?
Well, my years of training in the art of Moderator Ass-Kissing might come in handy at this moment, but I hesitate to unleash such power upon a thread I love so well.
Therefore, I shall merely say farewell to this contest and to the wise and mighty competitors I have faced. I shall retire to my meditation spot atop a remote rock spire in the Arizona desert and prepare myself for the next time my powers are called upon.