Ultimate Rochambo Fighter Arena

You stalk through bicycle clogged streets and dark narrow back alleys of this mysterious southeast Asian city. A pause for a furtive glance over your shoulder, then down a shadowy flight of stairs to a heavy cast-iron door. You knock, an narrow peephole opens and a pair of glittering black eyes size you up.

“Paper wraps stone” you mutter.

The eyes linger on you a moment longer, then with a loud mechanical clatter the door creeks open.

Inside the arena is alive with exotic smells of hashish, opium and sweat. At least a dozen languages can be heard. All around you bookies place bets, chalk up odds and wave wads of crumpled dollars, Deutchmarks, Yen.

But you haven’t come all this way just to bet…

This is the underground world of Ultimate Rochambo Fighter Arena: the ancient game of paper-rock-scissor transformed into a bloodsport so deadly it’s outlawed in all civilized countries --and Tennessee. This game isn’t limited to stones, rocks and scissors, but rather contestants can use any object, action or abstract concept they desire in an attempt to beat your own.

There in the corner is the champion from India,Speedy Gahnesh. You once saw him beat a Black and Decker cordless hedge trimmer with a Henry Moore marble abstract. Clever one that Speedy, but stone does beat scissors.

And over there, Knuckles Nishahara, Zen master from Japan. You once thought him doomed when his opponent pulled out a
Seafoam Green 1987 Chrysler LeBaron sedan with leather seats and full chrome package. But he merely countered with
“yellow” and won the match. Always unpredictable that Knuckles.

And over there, the burly Russian bear Johnny Zhivago. His cheek bears the ragged scar you gave him when you blocked his signature Thorium attack with a egg salad sandwich. It was his own fault for being so dependent on rare-earth metals, but that won’t quench his thirst for revenge.

You enter the ring, consider the opponent and attack!

Mayer McCheese collector glass!

The mighty Osip laughs and attacks with a frozen Herring!
Shattering your glass!

Take that You!

Owww! You cad!

But I know how to handle a fishy requisite-t-t-t.

Fistful of hydrogen!

Cad? you lesser ghost from a has been vidio game!
Fist full of hydrogen? Bah!
I shall fill the room with the after effects of a Beer and burrito evening!

what are you gonna do now that your hydrogen has been displaced with my noxious methane vapor?

Beware the Osip and his love of spicy mexican foods!

::lighting a match::

Oh, I’ve got an idea!

Cynical, I’ll deal with you as soon as my eyebrows grow back…

Now face the wrath of my Individually Wrapped Piece of Processed Cheese of Death!!

I see your cheese, but more importantly so does my ** Hungry Five year old boy!!!**

Arrgh!! He’s eaten the cheese, wrapper and all!

What can I possibly use to subdue an energetic five year old child!?

Aha! Vintage Battlestar Galactica Colonial Viper Toy armed with Spring Loaded Choking Hazard Missles!!

As the child’s face slowly turns blue, I bring forth Firefighter Joe with his Precision Targeted Heimlich Maneuver of Eye Piercing…

Egad! Who knew there were so many uses for a kung-fu grip!

Well, as I recall from my youth there is one thing G.I. Joe is no match for…

Blatantly Illegal M-80 Firecracker!!

I nullify your M-80 with a Freshly Plucked Raw Chicken! Once the firecracker explodes, it’ll be poultry in motion.

While you’re still reeling from the impact of the ballistic hen shrapnel, I will press the attack with a stuffed Dilbert Doll With Painful, Heavy Rubber Head!

Dilbert? Feh. Using my patented Peter Principle, I propel him with great force to his personal level of incompentence!

Zounds! I’ve been Petered out!

Let’s see how perky your Peter is as you face the terrible turmoil of my Terrifying Tempest of Telemarketers!!

Terrifying Tempest of Telemarketers? childs play.

They are effortlessly set aside my the stupendous abilities of Calvin & Hobbes

By Odins codpiece! The little caroon kid is trying to pee on me from the rear window of every Chevy Pickup on the road!!
No matter Lets see how how precocious he is against a Vexing Vangard of Ebola Virus!!

Vexing vanguard?
ah a horrible thing, but not near as deadly as a one-eyed one horned flying purple people eater.

With my patented GibranTech Prophet-o-Matic Inspiratron, I blast your Peter Principle to smithereens as the scent of gardenias fills the air!

I bombard your Ebola explosion with my patented Koopomatic Surgeon-Generalizer!

Yikes! Attacked from all sides!

But before I am forced to discover whether it’s a People Eater that’s purple, or the Eater of Purple People I counter!

A Horrible Hierarchy of Hostile Hotcreemygurlz!

I unleash upon your Koopomatic the Terrifying Trillionaire Tobacco Lobby