With a terrifying war scream akin to that of a rabid banshee, I swoop in to quash all your existential weapons with …
Oatmeal!!
And I, in my infinite wisdom, use your own oatmeal against you in…
an avacado oatmeal facial scrub.
Exfoliate that!
As I snicker at your pathetic attempts I summon my ** Pathetic pack of paparatzi ** to photograph my ** rabid wombat of lust** gnawing your feet off. After a mild snack of oatmeal
Headlines tomorrow ** defeat of PAC-MAN ghost de-feeted in a vat of digested oatmeal**
I peel off the oatmeal facial scrub to reveal…
the horrible visage of ** Ross Perot[/b}
gaze upon greatness!
Because if you look right here you will see on these charts that the giant sucking sound is coming from none other than Mr Cynical and his twisty straw over by the goat pen! Ewwwwwww!
can you top a Goat feltching Mr Cynical!
I thought not!
Disclaimer: comment about Mr C is ment as a joke and to be taken in such a manner. under no circumstances has Mr C been caught on film doing any such act. (unless of course his hush money check bounces).
The fictionalized representation of Mr. Cynical and his straw will be of no use to you if the object of his lust is removed, so accordingly, I will get your goat!
I then will cause it to screech and run out of the arena by whispering “cabrito refrito” in its ear.
Now you are at the mercy of my multiple-speed-playback mini-casette recorder, emitting the distorted banshee wail of the latest Faith Hill song at 1.5 times normal speed!
ah but that is no match for my Boom box blareing out Richard Simons sings all the Neil Dimond classics
Beware “Cracklin Rosie” is getting on board!
Arrrrgh!
Flayed skin and bleeding sores! Glowing skin and empty pores!!
Fine. Two can play the “Touchably Soft Skin” game!
Dare you face my Mildy Malodramatic but Mostly Mean-Spirited Mud Monster!?
Mud monster blah… he is all dried you and will crumble at at touch when I zap him with my Uber unique ultimate UV sun bed
all your hope are now dust in the wind.
pity. 
Your Uber unique ultimate UV sun bed is powerless against my pasty complexion!
I counter with a Glass of Boiling Mountain Dew!
I drink your Delicious Dew, and whip out my own…
Collection of Grainy, poorly edited 70’s Porn!
That should stop you!!
Oh my Osip is almost done in with the poorly edited porn. Yet he recovers with
a hedghog, three chimpanzee’s and a box of swiss chocolate
a weak response, for sure.
Bitch all you want I am going back for that PORN!
A hedgehog, three chimpanzees and a box of Swiss chocolate will fit nicely into my petting zoo (with attatched gift shop)
Who can stand up to my collection of 70s pop music on 8-track cassette?
What can stand up to your collection of 70s pop music on 8-track cassette?
Nothing that I can think of off the top of my head …
unless I whip out my left-handed leprechaun smoking crack, a truly intimidating weapon, no doubt.
I reach into my pocket, to pull out…
A wad of Ron Jeremy’s Back Hair
*please note use of the sterile glove, and pocket lining.
This should do in your evil little Irishman… hehehe
But I cleverly lure your drug-using leprachaun away with my:
Pot 'o Gold-Bond Medicated Powder
Holy Simulposts, Tristan!
But fortunately, my cleverly selected Pot o’ Gold-Bond Medicated Powder defeats both Jack’s leprechaun and your surprise attack by the non-pubic hair of a pudgy porn star.
I wrap up your Gold Bond Medicated Powder with E-Z Wrap! (It’s so e-z!) As sponsored by the late curling champion Sandra Schmirler!
Ah, yes, but the rap stylings of Eazy-E, who has convieniently returned from the dead to participate in this match, put your E-Z Wrap to shame.
Deft move, Drain Bead, but Eazy-E is all to easily E-mailed into the Ether
Ah, but can Email or Ether withstand the deadly Whirling Gnaw of my Coked-up Hamster?