Ever gotten drunk and then woke up the next day with “I said/did WHAT?” Ok. Last week it was not substance abuse, but a failure to rein in a bit of psychosis. It runs in the family, but I’m the only one so far who’s accepted, embraced and recognized it for what it is: a potentially destructive font of creative insight. While socially not constructive, the overall effect of my little outburst last week was indeed a foiled attempt at self-murder, the blame for which I place squarely on Tubadiva. A positive outcome was the clarification of a story plotline that has been eluding me for about 15 years, and the spawning of an entirely new one. I apologize for the mess, but the breakdown (“The Post” was merely one symptom—you shoulda seen what went on offline!) seems to have been the mental “dump” I’ve desperately needed to take for a long time.
I live in several realities simultaneously. Don’t worry, about 90% of my awareness overlaps meaningfully with yours. But that other 10% provides a considerable distraction from my daily routine because I’m torn between ignoring it for the sake of normal interaction with the people of this reality; and acknowledging/responding to it as I would any of my other senses. Imagine if “green” were a color only YOU could see. It’s minor, it’s all part of vision, but because it’s unlike anything that can be confirmed by any other person, it means that you’re…well…different mentally from the rest. We have all kinds of words for the person with those types of “abilities” and most of them are pejorative in nature. Along with, and I expect because of, the auditory hallucinations, events of severe paranoia and inward aggression comes a perspective and a level of mental function which serves me well. I’m not saying I’m a genius, I’ve sincerely posted the opposite numerous times, but I do approach problems from angles that are substantially different from “normal” and this is sometimes recognized as brilliance in real life. Mercifully, I have not suffered this kind of misunderstanding from Dopers.
I’m used to who and what I am, and so I’m not inclined to “rearrange any mental furniture,” medically or surgically, at this point in order to make my sensory inputs more in line with the accepted norm. But it is a matter of ongoing discussion until I can convince some key people in my life that I’m alright.
This all seems a bit narcissistic and I am not particularly comfortable giving this much away, but I’m compelled to explain myself in return for the very kind wishes I received last week…and because QED intimidated me so with harsh language and demanded an explanation.
