I am the biggest sucker in the world. I fell for it two years in a row. You see, I am a Seattle Mariners fan, which is obviously the third most gullible type of baseball fan in the world (just behind the “this is the year” Cubs and Red Sox fans). Once again, a superstar free agent has completely and utterly bamboozled me.
Last year, Ken Griffey Jr. said that he wanted to go home. He said there wasn’t anything bad about Seattle, he just wanted to be close to his family. Money didn’t matter to him. He just wanted to see his kids grow up. I believed him.
He then demanded a trade to that well-known suburb of Orlando: Cincinnati. I fell for it. As any self-respecting sucker does, I immediately turned against the con artist who had led me on. I took heart in the fact that Cincinnati seemed to be in a difficult division and consoled myself with the thoughts that the Reds would never get past the Braves and/or the Mets. I cheered as Griffey’s average hovered in the low .200s. I rooted for every Cincinnati defeat. I felt completely vindicated when the Mariners made it to the ALCS and had a chance of toppling the Yankees (although the Yankees were clearly superior over those six games). I felt unbelievably smug as I watched the Reds dismantle their team in the offseason, condemning Junior to another year of being an also-ran. In short, I delight in his failure.
Although it’s a slight hijack, I have a few things to say to Griffey: You sanctimonius, two-faced, egotistical, nepotistic putz. I hope you and your career rot in Marge Schott’s doghouse. I pray that Schottzie (spelling?), her unbelievably spoiled dog, shitzies all over you. I hope that you eventually pressure the franchise into making your father the manager of the team, and the team loses 120 games. I hope that you become a tired, old, used former superstar whose playing days slowly fade into a “he could have been better” stupor.
Anyway, let’s now fast forward a year.
I watch Alex Rodriguez’ season progress and the Mariners succed with him. I hear straight from Alex’s mouth that the most important thing is to go to a winning team. I also hear rumors that he wants to go to a major media market to make the most of his matinee idol image. Money didn’t matter because he was going to be able to make that anywhere. He said that Seattle was his first choice. Again, I believed him.
Then, Alex’s free agency started. All of a sudden, the Anti-Christ Scott Boras* begins rattling off demands. A-Rod’s own suite at the stadium (won’t he be playing?), a private plane at A-Rod’s disposal (won’t he be traveling with the team?), a personal concierge or five to attend to every need, billboard exposure, the first born child of the general manager, etc., etc., etc. But, I figure this is just Boras negotiating. Surely he’ll end up with the Braves, or the White Sox, or another big market team with a chance to win immediately. I could have lived with that, wished Alex well, and looked forward to the M’s future with a good young pitching staff in a pitcher’s ballpark.
BUT NO. HE SIGNS WITH THE TEXAS RANGERS. THE WORST FUCKING PITCHING STAFF IN ALL OF BASEBALL. THE TEAM THAT HAS WON ONE GODDAMN PLAYOFF GAME IN 29 YEARS. THE TEAM THAT FINISHED 20 1/2 GAMES OUT OF FIRST PLACE.
It was just all about the money. I admit that $252,000,000 is an awfully good reason to sign someplace, but why the hell did/does he have to lie about it? Why not just admit, “I want as much fucking money as I can convince some rich moron to give me. I’ll soak some billionaire for as many millions as I can grab.” Is a little truth and honesty too much to expect?
Now, we’ll get a self-serving press conference where he’ll talk about the great Texas Rangers organization, the commitment to winning, blah, blah, blah. In other words, expect more fertilizer to come from Texas than the entire cattle industry normally produces in a decade.
So, to A-Rod, all I have to say is: You greedy, gold-mongering whore. You’re no different than any other superstar athlete today who simply want to have the biggest pile of Benjamins so you can go home and coddle your overinflated ego and drown the little voice that tells you all of your statistics, money and fame is irrelevant. You’re welcome to the career as the next great Ernie Banks, toiling away uselessly for a franchise that will never win the World Series.
Shame on you. But shame on me for believing.
*: I really don’t have any strong feelings against Scott Boras. He’s just doing the best he can for his client. The vile tactics he follows are effective and that’s what counts. But then again, I am a lawyer. Maybe it’s been bred into me to believe that type of stuff.
