Thank you, sir or madam, for taking the time to complete our brief survey about the five remaining presidential candidates.
Question 1
Which of the following attributes commonly associated with each candidate has been most important in making your decision about whom you will support?
A. Barack Obama’s confidence and inspirational leadership.
B. Hillary Clinton’s ruthlessness and cunning survival skills.
C. John McCain’s warmongering and shoot-first bravado.
D. Mike Huckabee’s deceptive self-righteous moralism.
E. Ron Paul’s flying saucers.
Question 2
Which of the following groups commonly identified with each candidate is most palatable to you or conforms most to your own views?
A. The civil rights leaders and bright-eyed young party activists who support Barack Obama.
B. The socialists and policy recidivists who support Hillary Clinton.
C. The cronies from the Bush administration who support John McCain.
D. The religious zealots and angry right-wing extremists who support Mike Huckabee.
E. Ron Paul’s flying saucers.
Question 3
Which of the following slogans commonly thought to encapsulate each candidate’s view of the world most appeals to you.
A. Barack Obama — Yes, we can!
B. Hillary Clinton — I’ll take your money!
C. John McCain — 100 years of war!
D. Mike Huckabee — I am God’s gift to you!
E. Ron Paul’s flying saucers.
Question 4
Which of the following economic policies commonly associated with each candidate best reflects your own economic philosophy?
A. Barack Obama’s healthy capitalism tempered by government assurance of fair-play.
B. Hillary Clinton’s daunting tax burden and reckless spending on behalf of special interests.
C. John McCain’s blank stare and promise of no new taxes.
D. Mike Huckabee’s collection-plate consumption tax that the poor cannot afford.
E. Ron Paul’s flying saucers.
Question 5
Which candidate best articulates your concerns about Iraq?
A. Barack Obama, who has consistently opposed the war and desires to refocus our resources back to capturing Osama Bin Laden.
B. Hillary Clinton, who has consistently enabled Bush from his initial invasion of Iraq to his recent escalations of American commitments.
C. John McCain, who has consistently equated Iraq with Korea and Germany and doesn’t want to withdraw until 2108?
D. Mike Huckabee, who has consistently maintained that our god is better than their god and can whip their god’s ass.
E. Ron Paul’s flying saucers.
Thank you for your time.
