Recently (well, late last night), I watched a television program devoted to trying to explain various reports of cow mutilation … now, I did the requisite search and found Cecil’s take on it, but it didn’t seem to (directly) address this program’s ultimate conclusion, which was that the U.S. Government was behind it all. The program stated that most of the reports of cow mutilation were downwind of (1) former underground nuclear detonation sites, (2) government uranium mines, or (3) other military installations from which radiation occasionally leaked. They claimed that the tissues removed from the cows (rectal, genital, oral) were perfect for determining various contamination levels, that many of these reports were accompanied by black helicopter sightings, and that McDonnell Douglas has developed a silent helicopter for military use–they even showed some sort of insider commerical for it, which they never explained. Their obvious conclusion was that the government is trying to secretly obtain a proper sampling of organic tissue to determine if there is any lingering radiation effects from these sites. Now, I know as much as the next guy not to trust these paranoid TV shows (as recently evidenced by the ridiculous Fox moon-landing hoax show). All I want is the Straight Dope.
If they wanted to measure contamination, couldn’t they use one of these or a similar device that measures radiation levels?
Seems kind of silly to fly around in silent helicopters, mutilating cows with laser weapons and stealing their privates to measure radiation. Especially if there are hand-held devices that would make it much easier. It just doesn’t compute.
I saw the same show, but earlier in the afternoon (TLC/Discovery does that).
Not to mention that the government could just buy the cattle (and use the beef) for a lot less money than they would “appear” to be investing in super-secret organizations and high-tech tools.
Of course, there’s grains of truth to it. Does the government want silent helicopters? Of course! I imagine that they’d be useful in all sorts of ways in military intelligence. Are the major aerospace firms trying to design one? Why not, there’d be plenty of profit in it. Has one of the big companies like McDonnell Douglas succeeded? I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Of course, this has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with cows, but do you think Fox cares about minor details like that?
Cows got balls?
The government stealing cow balls??!!!
That’s Bull! 
Dubya eats them. They call 'em “calf fries”. Still, I think the administration would likely go through ordinary channels to supply the White House chef.