Undercutting.

The BBQ Pit
1

I used to have a car. The Evilmobile was a great car- a Ford Taurus station wagon. (Okay, it was great in my mind, if not in reality.) It died the summer after my senior year, so I have been car-deprived all through college. This is fine; I don’t really need one here, although they are convenient.

Yesterday my parents gave me an early inclination of my 21st birthday present- they’re going to give me my mother’s car.

This was unexpected. Happy dancing Andy.

So I start talking to my dad about some of the details, and I hear my mom in the background saying, “Honey, don’t forget to tell her…”

My dad then tells me that there are conditions. I sit down; I know this is going to go downhill quickly.

“You have to keep your grades up. And… um… your mother and I have talked, and we’ve decided that you can’t have the car unless you keep your… paraphenalia… off of it.”

They mean rainbow stickers, of course.

And it wasn’t “we think it’s a bad idea.” It was “you can’t have the car unless you do this, and if you do it we’ll take it back.”

God damn it, I am so disappointed. Not that I can’t queer up my car- I don’t care about that, I wasn’t planning on doing that- but that their attitude towards my lesbianism continues to be so hot and cold. Sometimes they want to march forth and change the world… and sometimes, far more often than I’d like, they’re okay with me being gay… but why do I have to be so gay? Why am I not more feminine/quiet/subdued/blah blah blah.

Mom, dad, you can’t just like some bits of me. I’m your kid, with or without a skirt and makeup.

I feel like I have four options.

  1. Tell them to take the car and cram it.
    problem: I would like a car; I can’t afford one on my own.

  2. Take the car and keep it sticker-free, which I would have done in the first place.
    problem: my doing this should not be the condition behind the gift, and I don’t think it’s an option anymore.

  3. Make it as gay as possible.
    problem: well, they’ll see it eventually. And then there’s the danger of vandalism.

  4. Get static cling stickers.
    problem: it’s a cop out.

I wouldn’t have minded if they’d just said that they thought it was a bad idea to put a sticker on. But damn it, they didn’t have to do this. “Happy birthday, why can’t you be straight” isn’t the way.

2

Maybe they are concerned for your safety, and being harassed?

3
  1. Don’t put any rainbow stickers on it, but instead put Democratic/Republican political stickers on it, choose whichever is more likely to cheese off your parents.
4

As a present for your 21st birthday, you are most definitely an adult, and my advice to you would be to tell them to shove it. I didn’t like my parents telling me what to do when I was a kid, and I don’t tolerate it as an adult. A gift to an adult child should be a gift, not a method of trying to exercise some control over their lives after the time for that is over.

(Just for the record, I discuss just about everything with my mom, and very often take her advice, but she doesn’t try to control me, and I don’t try to control her.)

5

Oh yeah, that’s a real sign of maturity.:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

6

Find out from your parents what it is that bugs them - do they object to stickers at all, or is it just rainbow stickers?

If it’s general stickers, promise them that you will only use static cling window stickers, since they’re removable.

If it’s the rainbow nature of the stickers, and not stickers in general, follow previous suggestions of political stickers. Or sit your parents down and talk to them about it. Tell them you appreciate the car, and would not have put stickers on it, but you are concerned about what their wish says about their feelings. (EG: gently lay the guilt on). Even if in the end you promise not to sticky it up, you will at the very least have stood up for what you believe.

Anyway, they didn’t tell you not to hang rainbow beads from the rear view mirror :wink:

7

If it’s a gift, they can’t take it back – ownership of the car transferred to you.

If instead they were only willing to loan you the use of the car while retaining ownership themselves, it’s not much of a gift.

8

Option 2 seems to be the best.

2) Take the car and keep it sticker-free, which I would have done in the first place.
problem: my doing this should not be the condition behind the gift, and I don’t think it’s an option anymore.

Your parents are giving you the car in a conditional fashion. It’s unfortunate that your views are not more in line with one another, but that’s life.
I disagree with the posters who recommend confrontation with your folks. You will gain nothing that way.

9

Aye. Confrontation may only end in tears - for everyone - and very hard feelings. Obviously you’ve all chatted at some time as they are aware of your lesbianism.

Is there other ways you can jazz up the car without stickers? Perhaps a rainbow rearview mirror dangley thing. Rainbow fuzzy dice would be cool.

I’m sorry your folks aren’t more supportive of you and that they feel the need to conditionalise their gifts. Sometimes being different is difficult.

Good luck and Happy Birthday :slight_smile:

10

I’d agree to their terms, take the car, and then paint it one big rainbow. If nothing else, they’ll almost certainly not want it back.

11

I agree with NBIT33; it may be that they are concerned for your safety.

If it were me, I would press them for the reasoning behind their conditions (and keep pressing until I felt I had got down to the real truth.

12

And I’d agree with TVAA, if it is a gift, and it is yours (title, insurance, registration, gas) then they have no say. If they are going to let you drive it, but keep any of the above in their name, then they are not giving it to you, they are letting you drive it, and may have some control over what you do with it.

They need to let go.

13

If I were in a similar situation and was the person I wished I was I would say, “I am sorry, I can’t accept a gift with those conditions.” Being who I am, I’d stew over, but take it seeing as there was never an intent to defy the condition in the first place. But then I don’t have the healthiest relationship with my folks being who I am.

I’d agree that figuring out why they have placed the condition might be helpful in determining how offensive it would be to abide by it. Yes, technically they can’t do anything after they give it to you no matter what you do so you could gay it up as much as you want, but I suspect that is not the problem.

14

It doesn’t have to be a confrontation. Andy could sit down with her parents and say:

“Mom and dad, I’m so thrilled you’re giving me mom’s old car. It’s exactly what I needed and just what I wanted. Thanks so much! Now, about those conditions”* <deep breath>* “I agree with you about keeping my grades up. You’ve known me for a long time; you know I always try to do my best in school. I promise not to let the thrill of travel get in the way of my studies. I’m curious about your second condition. I don’t like stickers on cars and I wasn’t planning on putting a lot of paraphenailia on it to begin with. So we’re on the same wavelength there. But it hurts me that you would ask me straight out to keep a big part of who I am under wraps like that. Couls you please explain why you added that condition to this deal? Please?”

Just talk to them about it like a grown-up. A grateful, polite, slightly toadying grown-up, but an adult nonetheless. Set the tone for the discussion and encourage them to continue in the same vein.

Good luck, Andy, and congrats on the newish car!

15

What Juniper said is what I meant to say. Totally level with them and see how they react. Easier said than done, I know.

16

You could beat them to death with a tire iron. Or have that rational-discussion thingy. Either way, whatever.

17

When I read that, my first thought was, “Does he mean “lesbian paraphenalia”? What sort of paraphenalia is lesbian specific? Surely he doesn’t mean… I mean, who would ever put one of those on their car?”

Right! Stickers! Of course he meant stickers! :smack:

18

I’m curious - what sentiment do you think was expressed by 4 rolleyes, that 1 wouldn’t have covered?

19

I agree with TVAA. Once you give something to someone else, you surrender all claim to it. You can not give it and continue to control it.

Unless they are simply allowing you to use the car while they retain ownership of it. In that case, you’d have to comply with their terms.

20

Why do so many posters (including the OP) object to the sticker condition, but (apparently) not the good grade condition?

Now granted, andy brought the sticker issue to the table, not the grades issue. But why? Somehow the condionality of the grades seems reasonable but not the stickers? I think people are getting caught up in the emotions and PC baggage of this question.

Personally speaking, I’d say take the car, conditions and all. I see nothing wrong with conditional gifts from anybody at any age. To me the glass is half full. I’d figure I’m richer with a sticker-free car than with no car at all.