Well, olives never go bad in MY house. This might be because my daughter and I like to eat olives. I have a salad at least half a dozen times a week, and I’ll put a handful of olives (green or black, it’s all good) on my salad, if we have them.
Milk Rule #3: If you have men in your household, you will have a gallon container with 3 teaspoons of milk in the bottom.
The last 3 saltine crackers in a package must not be eaten. The package must be carefully twisted shut and stored in the cupboard for all eternity. Closing full packages of crackers is optional.
Occasionally, you will feel the need to expand the selection of fresh veggies that you eat. If you normally only buy fresh brocolli, for example, you may buy that AND fresh zucchini, because veggies are good for you and you should eat more of them and you really haven’t been lately and besides you’re bored with brocolli anyway… *
Only, you will never eat the zucchini, and you will forget about it, since you don’t normally have fresh zucchini on hand.
You will then, at some future date not less than three weeks away, remember that you have fresh zucchini - but forget when you bought it - and then plan a meal around it, only to discover the rotted, liquified zucchini now living in the bottom back of your crisper drawer when you go to get it out of the fridge to cook.
Cheers,
G
*subustitute your own commonly on hand/once in a great while veggie purchases here
But fruitcake is never edible, so how can it be edible after anything other than being used to build houses?
If there’s any specific variety of Christmas sweet that the whole family hates, every Christmas gift basket received by the family will contain at least one box of the aforementioned sweet.
Too much information! :eek:
I currently solve this problem by using tupperware.
But that’s interesting advice. Does the bread never go moldy?
This reminds me of that brilliant scene in Roseanne where Dan takes the half-gallon of milk and takes a swig; his eyes roll back in his head and he almost falls out from how spoiled it tastes. And of course then puts the half-gallon container back in the fridge!
Men are allergic to sandwich plates. Making a sandwich on a plate at the counter, then transferring the plate to a table or even lap in front of the television is a horrifying masculine taboo to avoided, yea even risking the Frown of the Wife.
No, Real Men must make a sandwich on the counter, leaving a hefty pile of crumbs. Then when the final slice of bread has been placed upon the sandwich for mere milliseconds, the Real Man takes a mighty CHOMP, sending a further cascade of crumbs and other assorted gloppy and/or crumbly sandwich bits to the countertop and floor. He then proceeds through the house, glumpfing and chomping, until a satisfactory coating of crumbs and sandwich refuse has been deposited on the coffee table and spread throughout the house.
Well, how do you expect Real Man to find his way back to the kitchen if he doesn’t leave a trail of bread crumbs. Real Men have no sense of direction.
For those who don’t know this reference here’s
Bugger, hit the wrong button.
For those who don’t know this reference here’s The Dangerous Kitchen by uncle Frank.
Meanwhile, the utensils in the odds ‘n’ sods drawer will always conspire to wedge the drawer shut (fish slices* and potato-mashers are the usual suspects) so you have to poke around with a wooden spoon handle to get the can opener out.
*Why do I have a fish slice? the only fish I eat is tuna and it comes in tins.
But if you have a dog, the heels and odd-shaped slices can be saved and given to the dog as a treat. When my dog hears the bread bag being opened, she comes running and sits and stares at me. She LOVES bread.
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You will only make the meals whose leftovers occupy excessive amounts of space when you do not have sufficient refrigerator space to store them.
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For every utensil in the utensil drawer, there is a similar-but-ill-suited surrogate utensil that is used when the one you want is dirty. This utensil is invariably used more often than the one designed for the job because that one lives in the sink.
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Every bottle on the spice rack is in a perpetual state of being half-empty, despite the fact that you can’t even remember the last time you used most of them, or indeed what they’re for.
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The crisper in your fridge comes factory installed with a pre-wrapped slice of processed cheese, age unknown. It’s probably still edible if you trim away the hard edges.
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The cupboards above the refrigerator contain dishware that, to your knowledge, has never been used, largely because it’s a pain in the ass to get anything from above the refrigerator.
cooking for one, rule #1:
You can either have no lettuce, or too much lettuce.
That one makes sense.
The vast majority of spice jars are not purchased; they are inherited.
A kitchen in which there are equal nonzero numbers of both hotdogs and hotdog buns is in a severely unstable state. Producers have known this for years, which is why they are not sold in packages of the same size. But if this state should result, appliances will go to great lengths to avoid this, either by burning or spoiling a few of one or the other until an unequal equilibrium is reached.
It takes just long enough to boil water that you forget about it. It takes just long enough to remember that the water has boiled away too much.
No, the crusty ends of sandwich bread exist to feed the local duck population.
It’s funny you guys should mention that damned brown sugar, because I’m one of you - always buying the stuff. Always have, like, six boxes. So I go today to make oatmeal. I don’t even like oatmeal, but every so often, like once a year, I get a craving. I do it up right, steel cut oats and all. Get it almost done and go looking for the brown sugar. There is no brown sugar. White sugar and molasses is not the same.
Where did they go? Did they go to somebody else’s house?
There will always be at least one dirty plate, glass, spoon, fork, and / or knife sitting somewhere on the counter. Even just one.
:smack: (I refuse to clean the bloody kitchen again tonight! Enough!)
I’m like you guys with the brown sugar, except in my case it’s icing sugar. Nobody except Martha Stewart needs three bags of icing sugar in their cupboards!
I used to put bread crusts in my brown sugar too - they don’t get moldy for some reason. They just get dryer and dryer. I’ve started using tupperware with a plastic bag liner on the lid to keep it moist - works just great.
Nobody’s mentioned the goopy side down rule of bread yet? That one was de-bunked on Mythbusters, I know, but still…
Timers on stoves are the best invention man has come up with yet. I can’t count the dinners the timer has saved from complete chardom while I surfed the Dope.
I threw out way too many green peppers before I realized that I could chop them up and freeze them as soon as I got them, instead of waiting for them to turn to mush while I forgot to use them.