How can someone stop placing unrealistic demands and expectations on himself or herself?
Just do it. It’s like dieting.
I think the question is a bit too broad. Can you be more specific? Is this about school? work? sports? arts?
Here’s a little trick that’s meant to help you get out of your own way.
(I thought it was exceedingly silly when it was taught to me, but I can honestly say it really worked!)
Firstly, you should tie it to a physical action, something simple, you do everyday. I chose pouring the boiling kettle water into the mug for my morning tea! Apparently tying a physical action, to remembering the exercise, gives it extra impact.
So all up, it’s as easy as remembering to tell yourself (You’re supposed to begin by speaking out loud, until you’re doing the exercise habitually every day!), “Today I give myself permission to lighten up and be kinder and gentler with myself!” (Clearly you can craft this message to suit your particular issue!)
I know, it seems so simple. I thought the same. But, actually, your monkey mind is always going to work against such efforts. To make you forget, what to say, when to say it, everyday? But if you practise, by the time you can remember to do this exercise everyday for a solid week, you should begin to detect a change in your attitude.
This is one if those small, tiny things that produced big, big changes for me. Wishing you good luck!
Until I was 40 years old I walked around both at work and in my personal life believing that if everyone could see who I really was that we see a lazy bum. I believed I was a lazy bum and it dd not matter how hard I worked I couldn’t shake this feeling.
I finally realized after my divorce that there was some basis to this, I didn’t push myself enough mentally but was overworked physically. I was a horrible under achiever in my school years and lacked confidence in my ability to apply myself. I simply slowed down my physical base and started taking baby steps to applying myself more mentally, after a year or so I seemed to reach that balance and things seem to level off.
From one of my fave groups Goober and the Peas:
- I never set a goal I couldn’t reach.
I never learned a thing I couldn’t teach!*
Only a slight exaggeration! 
More realistically, in almost all things, I simultaneously consciously or subconsciously have both longterm goals, and readily achievable short-term goals which I imagine will progress me towards the longterm goals. Depending on my success (or lack thereof) WRT the ST goals, I will reassess both sets of goals.
Another thing is to live long enough to be comfortable with who you are. Take an honest look in the mirror, and assess what you see. If you don’t like something, either come up with a plan for changing it, or for coming to grips with who you are. If one plan doesn’t work, reassess and try another. Also, acknowledge that you and your perceptions/goals change over time. What was important to you at 20, may not be so at 25 - not to mention 55.
Learn to realistically assess yourself, all of your material and non- assets and liabilities, and your environment. Trite, but take responsibility for your own priorities and actions, change what you can, and accept what you can’t.
Simple, stay in touch with reality! Avoid fantasy and make believe.
So turn off the TV, read non-fiction books. Read news from varied and credible sources - Like Washington Post, NY Times, BBC, etc. NOT Facebook, people’s personal web pages.
Walk around your neighborhood and TALK to people with your voice in person. Don’t “text”.
If you read about something going on locally in the news, go check it out for yourself. You will learn that things in real life are not always portrayed exactly as what really happened.
As for non-fiction books to read, good to read biographies about famous or successful people. You will learn that they got to where they are with a LOT of hard work! (Typically.)
Also go to public meetings - city council, government board meetings, county/state meetings to which the public is invited for comment. You will learn what other people want/expect!
The best way might be to see a cognitive behavioral therapist.
But ultimately what they’re going to do is have you basically be aware of your thought processes as you think these unrealistic demands and expectations, and critically examine them and (ideally) replace them with more realistic ones.
For example, from high school and college, I happen to be friends or acquaintances with some absurdly successful people. So it’s pretty easy for me to feel like a failure when I’m not a Special Assistant to Condoleeza Rice or Hillary Clinton, or I’m not being interviewed on the national news about POW treatment, or getting promoted to full Colonel in the USMC at 43, or directing Grammy-winning Mumford and Sons videos, or being the brand manager for a whole bunch of beer brands for Southern California (just to name a handful).
So the way to break out of that pattern is to realize that I’m thinking that way in the moment, stop thinking that way and start thinking about how I am actually successful, both professionally and otherwise, and that in large part, I was never willing to put professional success ahead of my family and friends, or for that matter my own happiness.
I’m pretty seriously introverted under most circumstances (I can be extroverted around people I know well) and used to beat myself up pretty heavily for not going out and doing all sorts of things.
Well, you know what? When I do, I’m often stressed.
So I’ve discovered a couple of things about myself by being honest.
Whenever I’m sitting at home doing something and that harsh ‘you should be out doing something’ thought strikes, I step back and tell myself “I chose to do this”. Yup, I chose to read the dope, read from my vast (and recently in new, shiny bookcases) library, I chose to slack off. I didn’t chose to jump up and go to X.
That going out to some places I want to go will go smoother and with less anxiety if I plan it out in advance. Like telling myself that I’m going to go hang out at game store X on such-and-such date next weekend. Then when I’m up that day, I’m more prepared and less stressed to go hang out in public.
I’ve also had to admit that sometimes I’m just less than pleasant or less outgoing because of pain (or other) issues, and I allow myself to use that as an ‘out’ when I don’t really want to go someplace I planned to go because I don’t feel the greatest. I’m better off not going under such circumstances than going and being less pleasant company to others or having a bad time.
And that’s ok, because I’m doing what is best overall and not abusing myself for being insufficient to any internal (and often unhelpful) ideals about how I *should *be.
You can’t. That’s an unrealistic demand/expectation.
Yes, but the devil is in the details.
There are a number of steps involved, and fixing them are quite different for each person and situation.
If you are looking for meaningful advice, then posting more details will help.
Look at yourself from 3rd person, pretend you’re talking about yourself like you’re someone else.
That’s the best approach, IMHO.
Exactly. Though aftr you set and fail to achieve some of your expectations, think about why you failed, and learn to set more realistic ones. It’s all about learning your limitations, and you can’t do that unless at times you push the limits and try to exceed them.
In a rare event, I’m going to agree with Scott Adams; big goals are for losers. You’ll always feel like a failure. You want to organize your life in terms of systems and behavior.
Don’t try to lose 30 pounds. Try to eat healthier on a regular basis and get exercise. You’ll assume a healthy weight as a result.
Don’t try to get THAT promotion; try to expand your network and work skills. You career will flourish as a result.
Don’t think “I must have that one woman as my wife.” Work on your appearance and your personality. Take up interesting hobbies and make new friends. You’ll find dates as a result.
First, realize that a demand or expectation is unrealistic.
Then if you want to understand it further, analyze it by classifying what logical fallacy you have fallen into. Think about the source of the demand or expectation. Meaning, ask yourself, “Where did it originate?” Then modify it to something else that is realistic or more helpful.
Then play a song on your trumpet.
If you don’t own a trumpet, try playing air-trumpet or air-whatever-instrument.