Unsolicited advice for women

In the past year, four different female friends mentioned at one point or another that their recent ex-boyfriend wouldn’t stop calling, etc. I commiserated with them, assured them that not all men are like that, etc., and I thought to myself that it was a little weird that all of them apparently had psuedo-stalkers.

Until, one day …
I was hanging out in one of the women’s office when an ex-boyfriend called. I hung out and heard her side of the conversation. When she got off the phone, I said to her, “you realize that he has no clue that you have broken up him.” She was more than a little stunned. I told her that the entire conversation on her side consisted of little more than weasel words, and that most guys would just think that y’all were having a fight, or at worst, were taking a break.

So, here’s my advice -
When breaking up with a guy, be unutterably cruel. If you tell a guy that it’s over, and that there is a 99.999% chance you’ll never want to be with him again, the guy will think “Hey!! There’s a .001% chance she’ll change her mind. Them’s mighty good odds!”
If you say “I don’t think this will work”, the guy will think “Hey!! It might work!! Cool!”

So, for your good and his, reach your hand into his chest, rip out his heart, and stomp on it repeatedly. Tell him that his touch sickens you, that his voice causes you to have convulsions, and his very presence causes you to wish for an exorcist.

But be nice about it.

Sua

What, you mean we’re not together?!?!?

Let me tell you about the last time I broke up with a guy.

He was living 1,000 miles away. It didn’t start out as a long distance relationship, but it turned into one when I moved. Well, as soon as I moved I realized that I didn’t like him anymore, much less love him. To be honest, I think I knew it before I moved, but I didn’t admit it to myself.

Well, 2 months later he flew down to visit me. For 9 days. I broke up with him on the first day and the boy wouldn’t go home. I even offered to pay for him to change his flight. Wouldn’t do it. So, I had all that time to make it perfectly clear. He’d ask if we could sleep together “one last time”, I’d say no, he’d ask why, I’d say because we weren’t dating anymore, he’d cry, I’d be cold toward him. 9 days of not touching, of no kissing, nothing. He called once after he went home, and I was cold towards him on the phone. No further contact.

Cleanest break I ever had. No “lets be friends” or anything like that. The story still amuses me. That’s how my friends started calling me the cold hearted bitch. But it worked. :smiley:

Was he staying at your place for those 9 days?!! And that’s the cleanest break you ever had?!! Gah. That’s what the cops are for.

This is the problem, people. That is an ugly, nasty, dragged-out breakup.

Hell, I can break up with a woman a lot faster than that. I almost made the Olympic team. But the world record is 26.05 seconds, and I could never break the “30-second mile.”

Sua

P.S. If the guy wasn’t staying at your place, please disregard this post.

Technically he was staying where I lived which happened to be with my parents.

But as far as making sure this particular guy understood this was the best and cleanest way possible, with the bit of cruel that certain things about the relationship deserved. :wink:

Lsura wrote

Hmmmm. Did he call first before flying down? And even though you said “Look, we’re not dating anymore, don’t show up”, he came anyway? Or had you even broken up with him at that point?

Please tell me you didn’t waste this guy’s time and money when you already knew you were done with him.

Men hardly have a lock on the “not grasping it’s done” thing. An underdeveloped clue-sense is endemic to people, period.

When breaking a relationship off, it should be done in such a way to minimize the amount of suffering brought into the world. The way to do that is to end it cleanly. In some cases, that means zeroing all further contact, In others, it won’t.

OP’s all in good fun, I realize, but “be unutterably cruel” is lousy advice. Cruel != clean.

Although probably the best advice is, don’t date idiots in the first place. That means long dry spells in between, but crikey, it sure beats the alternative. :slight_smile:

Gee. Thanks for clearing that up, Sua.

–>pauses for feminine but heart-felt cussing, kicking chairs, ranting…and %^&#@! men think WE’RE confusing?! Testosterone should be put on the freakin’ outlawed list as a mind-altering substance!<–

Talk about no-win for everybody and it’s all because you’re toting your brains in your shorts! I’m trying to break it off with a guy and wondered why it isn’t working. Nothing heavy but c’mon, I truly LIKE the guy. Gimme a break, I can’t be cruel to earthworms. Just what he’s hoping will happen won’t happen. Wrong combo. No fault, no foul and wish him the best. (Wish I could keep enjoying his company but that hopeful “maybe” gleam in his eye muddles things up, i.e. leading him on, playing hard to get, etc. Grrrr.)

Short of renting billboards I don’t know how to make it any plainer: straightforward talk, consistently “unavailable” for dates, etc. He’s already taken too many punches but if nothing less will register…Why, WHY do men complain about women being bitches if that’s that’ll get through?

AARRUGH! You men are doing this deliberately, knowing persistence and pitiful puppy-dog eyes hit our outsized guilt/nurtering buttons. Yes, I mean you! Just knock it off, right now.

Discombobulated,
Veb
[sub]who isn’t a bitch and won’t by-gum-by-or-golly let any testosterone-addled male turn her into one[/sub]

We should all learn to follow the advice of The Ladies’ Man:

“That was nice. Now you should get going.”

And remember, cruelty is not always necessary where mere firmess and straightforward talk will suffice.

The women I’ve known never had any problems getting that message across.

This is a very interesting thread. Here are my thoughts:

  1. In our society and culture, men are expected to do most of the work early on in developing a relationship with the opposite sex. In doing so, the male faces constant and seemingly unending rejection and the way to overcome that is through sheer persistence and never taking “No” for an answer. If a man takes and complies with the first “No”, he could remain dateless indefinitely. Men have had to learn to ignore the word “No” to get anywhere with women [and this is where legal problems arise].

  2. Not to sound sexist, but if a girl is cute, that’s basicly all she needs to “hook” a man. A male needs to have many traits to “hook” the girl of his choice, such as: looks, a good job, a solid income, confidence, intelligence, a good personality, etc. This places even more pressure on the man to perform on every possible level.

  3. If a man really, really likes a woman, and he feels that she is right for him, but she ends up breaking up with him…he might go to great lengths to get back together with her, I believe in part because A. he realizes how difficult it will be to find someone similar to her, and 2. he doesn’t want to start the emotionally draining “hunting” process all over again…and be faced with another long, drawn-out barrage of competition, searching, initating contact, rejection and disappointment.

  4. Competition with other men for pretty women is cutthroat. In economic terms, these [scarce?] women are in high demand because it satisfies the man in a sexual way [personal gratification] and egoistic way [showing her off to others to enhance his peer status] to be with her.

  5. Ladies, if you and all your friends were like the typical male and had to go through a large quantity of rejections to get a date…your view would be VERY different. I know some very attractive men that have been asked out only once or twice in their whole lives. The attractive women I know brag that they get asked out almost every day. I’m sure that you would feel differently if you were a guy. In fact, I KNOW you would feel differently.

  6. Sometimes your signals to a man are too subtle, unclear or mixed. The best way to tell a man that you are uninterested or unavailable to him is to say that you are currently in an exclusive relationship with a another guy and that you are deeply in love with your current boyfriend/lover/fiance/husband. If a man knows that you are single and if you are friendly with him…he will take that to mean you may be romantically interested in him, and he will pursue you. You need to be very clear with him from the very start of your friendship with him…and be completely consistent in your words and actions.

Thoughts?

You said NO? But WHY NOT?

I have had the same thing with a few females way back in the day, even had that same line, (like I was gonna change my mind about staying with her, but hell, who am I to turn down sex?). It ain’t just us guys who don’t get it, we only make up, oh, maybe 95% of those who don’t get it.

back when I was in college, I dated, a lot. Nothing serious (at least on my side). There was this one guy, our ‘date’ consisted of him calling up to say he couldn’t go out ‘cause he’d gotten hit by a car, I went to his dorm room to comiserate with him, stayed maybe an hour. That was it. The next year, I bumped into him on a street. He said something to the effect that he was doing much better since ‘our break up’??? What??? there was no ‘us’ to break up fer cryin’ out loud. It was a bad year (that same year, my boyfriend from high school told me “don’t worry, you didn’t make me gay” :eek: which I hadn’t even thought of until he told me that).

men. harumph.

>>>1. In our society and culture, men are expected to do most of the work early on in developing a relationship with the opposite sex.

Not in my experience.

>>>2. A male needs to have many traits to “hook” the girl of his choice, such as: looks, a good job, a solid income, confidence, intelligence, a good personality, etc.

All he needs is a good personality and looks somewhere above “hideous”, but maybe that’s just me. I’ve dated lots of guys who had no job or income, etc.

>>>5. Ladies, if you and all your friends were like the typical male.

around 99% of my friends have always been male, so I guess “all my friends” pretty much ARE like the typical male :wink:

I’ve never been a fan of the “Lets be friends” route. Any reason good enough for a woman and I to not be lovers is good enough for us to not be friends. The best I can do for former lovers is politeness and courtesy.

I once flew across the country to find out my lady no longer desired my services, a phone call would have been easier. She was simply avoiding the problem hoping I would go away. Maybe that is at the heart of this OP.

I pose a question to the SD ladies. Are you at least tempted to avoid the messier parts of a breakup hoping that the fella will either get a clue or learn to read minds?

mikeymichaels,
Dude, you surely don’t speak for me.

I remember in high school… I was in a long term relationship (hey, 2 years in high school is a long time! Ok well I was in high school, he was in college, but still) and everyone knew it. So one day a guy from my drama class (we were like a big family) calls me up all upset. A friend of his had died. So I drive over and hang out with him to comfort him for a while. Before I went home, he kissed me. I didn’t get mad or anything because he was greiving and so on… I figured I’d just not encourage it and it would end.

So he started waiting for me outside class and stuff… I never touched him though… didn’t even hug him. I continued to be friends with him though…

So a few weeks later I hear through the grapevine that he has been telling everyone that I’m his girlfriend! ACK! I had to take him aside and explain to him that we were not dating, that I had a very serious boyfriend, etc. I left out “and you’re almost repulsively unattractive to me” because it didn’t seem neccessary…

Anyway he started pretty much HATING me after that. Total about face. Turned into a real asshole.

Then sometime last year we found each other through classmates.com and he is married now and had been in the military… he apologized for being such a spaz in high school. heh.

Now that’s just sad. I have several very close friends who used to be lovers. Just because we’re not bumping uglies anymore doesn’t mean we suddenly don’t have all the stuff in common that caused us to be attracted to each other in the first place. But then, relationships have never been based on sex for me, and maybe if they were, once the sex was gone I’d feel there was nothing left worth preserving. I don’t know.

I still keep in regular contact with the guy I lost my virginity to, back when I was 16!

Yeah Opal, I wish I could keep friendships sometimes, but I am nowhere as grown up as I wish I were.
And besides, for some crazy reason, the women I go out with don’t have much interest in being friends with each other. Hey, search me.

Hmm. In general, guys I’ve dated in the past have gotten along well with the current guy. My husband and I both had ex lovers in the audience at our wedding, even. The way I see it, if they were cool enough for my husband to date, they’re probably neat people.