Unsure what to do...

I’m desperate. Hopefully I can find some kind helpful advice.
Growing up my childhood was quite abusive, I was also molested by a few relatives
And I had suffered anxiety and depression most my life.
My most pressuring issue is with my mother. She is just mean, controlling and at times
Very nice…
But again… She played mind games with me… Got controlling again and tells my dad and sister her version of our conversation… And we all end up never speaking.
All because I spoke out about being molested years ago and they never forgave me.
I just battled stage 4 cancer and I just can’t deal with this anymore.
They are old so I been trying to overlook things…
But they keep breaking my heart.
I honestly don’t know what to do… I just can’t seem to keep biting my tongue
So to speak.
My feelings, opinions are not wanted… Never have they been.
So how do I her her to care? My dad and sister always stand by here.
She has been violent… Pulled a gun on us in the past when we were younger.
What do I do?
Thanks!
Me too.

I speak from experience that nothing you can do will change how she or your dad behaves or treats you or thinks about you.

Let it go sounds trite but it is all you can do.

Your mom most likely has a disorder that alters her perception of reality or her thought process, and aside from her honestly wanting to change and work on this it will never change. She quite literally doesn’t perceive reality the same way you do.

Sorry to say the best bet is cutting off contact, look up personalty disorders and narcissism. I know that is easier said than done, but it will just be agonizing watching your family disappoint and “not get it” over and over again.

I feel for you, good luck.

Here is a webpage where you can talk and have someone talk to you and listen to your situation:
https://www.7cupsoftea.com/BrowseListeners/
You can click on “category” and pick traumatic experiences. This webpage can also help in a similar manner:
https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

My own family history is very problematic as well. Not the exact problems as yours but lots of family members who are mad and don’t speak to one another. That can be really really frustrating.

Sadly, my family situation is very similar to this. I agree with your advice.

Just having these responses do help;) and thanks for the link.
I guess I can’t expect change… While I was fighting cancer and almost
Starved to death they were ok but now it’s been an year and the same things are happening again.
I was trying to forgive, move on. But my mom is just so controlling… And I can’t keep avoiding it… Sadly I think there is no solution.
I just keep praying… I thought they changed.
They did not. I just wanted them to not be mean… But it just doesn’t work.
I tried to let things roll off my back… But I can’t.
I’m tired of trying. I’m trying to survive and praying my cancer won’t return.
My anxiety… Panic attacks are getting worse.

Well, try focusing on the things you can control and take your meds and go to therapy and keep praying for your own improvement. Meditation can also help calm the mind and nerves.

Moderator Action

Since this is looking for advice and opinions, it belongs in our IMHO forum.

Moving thread from General Questions to in My Humble Opinion.

I solved my problem by cutting all contact with my mother; it was the only thing to do. I did wait until Dad passed (he was great and helped protect me as best he could) but with him gone the pressure to stay in the situation wasn’t too strong that it couldn’t be ignored. Most kin knew how much she hated me so they didn’t push. I can keep informed through my brother or other relatives and even help her sometimes through them. But avoiding all verbal or physical contact removes the abuse.

Other people have said the truth. You cannot change another person. You can only change how you react to them.

Are you living with your mother? If not, then why let her control? She cannot control you if you do not let her. And I know this is easy for me to say…but I’ve been there, and I cut off all contact until I could deal with it (years, in my case). You may have to do the same.

I can’t speak to your family situation, but I had cancer last year and I fight the terror of it returning as well. What’s helped me is a survivorship program at my local cancer center (Seattle Cancer Care Alliance). They have programs for just this thing. We’re not alone in this. If you send me a private message with your location I’ll help you find one in your area.

Hugs.

I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need from your family. If these people were your friends would you be close?

Try to choose to do things in your life that reduce your anxiety - if this means avoiding your family or significantly reducing your contact with them then so be it. Get other things going in your life to fill the gap. Ask yourself ‘is this going to improve my life’ about everything you do and be kind to yourself.

Look at it this way: either good mental health is worth pursuing and protecting, to you, or it’s not. If you want good mental health you’ll have to avoid these people. Like they are your dealers and you’re a reformed junkie! No other person is capable of protecting your mental health, only you. You are the gatekeeper. If you want to be well, you need to surround yourself with people who are well. These persons are not well. You cannot make or wish them into being well. They aren’t going to change. Ever. If you want something different you’ll have to start being different.

Start by stepping away from these people. Let the water in your pond calm, then move on to the life you want and don’t look back.

Consider that you have just been forced by your boss to relocate to Siberia. Yes, you still love your family, but you’ll just have to do it from afar. Send a couple of cards, make excuses when invited, endure a couple of phone calls where you are non responsive, non committal, and unwilling to engage. That’s not so much, right? You can do that surely?

Do it. Just do it. Your world will improve in ways you cannot now fathom if you just disengage from the dysfunction, and give yourself some quiet time to regroup without any contact. You’ll be kicking yourself for not having done it sooner!

Good Luck!

When I was 19, I cut off my father. The only time I’ve spoken to him since then was at my brother’s wedding, when I did just enough to not cause a scene. (Which is more than I can say for my father, but that’s another story).

When I first did it, everyone said “Oh no! You can make it work!” Over the last 20 years, every single one of those people has changed their mind. Some took only a year or two. My great-aunt, practically a professional peacemaker didn’t change her mind until my brother’s wedding, but even she came around and agreed that I did the right thing.

You cannot change other people. Trying is absolutely futile, especially when we’re talking about people with the kind of problems that result in uncontrolled anger and manipulative behaviors. There’s not even a point in hating those people - they are what they are. Treat them like you’d treat a roving tiger or a thunderstorm. Not evil or bad, but not something you hang around with hoping that it’ll be better next time.

Make yourself safe and healthy first.