So my lovely wife and her kids have been trying to become US Citizens for nearly a decade now. Actually, that’s not true, because my wife and son recently became citizens, a mere 8.5 years after we started the process. My daughter, on the other hand, was “lost” in the bureaucracy, and was not included with my wife’s petition for some reason. We’re not sure how she could have been lost, since her name appears on EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER THAT WE HAVE EVER SUMBMITTED, but lost she was.
So we’re having to restart the process for her. We will have to pay the $400 filing fee again. We will have to pay for all of the miscellaneous filing fees for other forms again. In essence, we get to start from scratch, because the employees at USCIS are, apparently, incapable of READING THIER OWN FUCKING FORMS.
But here’s the capper. The absolute fucking capper that makes me think that the employees at the USCIS office are simply fucking with me at this point:
Yesterday my daughter received a letter from the idiot who is supposed to be helping us straighten out the case. It reads in part:
Dear Welby’s Daughter:
In order to process your request for a new green card, we need a copy fo your form I-751. Please send us a copy by such and such a date so that your request can be processed. Enclosed is a copy of the form so that you know what we need.
Sincerely,
Fucked in the Head
Assistant to the Asssucking Fuckhole Office Director
USCIS
And attached to the back of the letter was . . . . wait for it . . . a copy of my daughter’s I-751!
That’s right! We just got a letter asking for a copy of the form that they just sent us a copy of.
I fucking hate the USCIS. I hate you all. But the one I hate most is Fucked In the Head. I hate your mother for giving birth to you. I hate any doctor that ever trated you for disease unstead of letting you perish. I hate any person that swerved out of the way in the nick of time instead of running you over. In fact, I hate every person that has ever not taken the chance to set you on fire and dance around the flames like Aborigines on a dream trip.
Now you’re just fucking with me, and I understand that. Perhaps its because I contacted my congressman after you told me that you weren’t sure what documents I needed, but you were sure I didn’t have them. It could be because I have written some 35 letters to your bosses, and thier bosses, about the general incompetence of the USCIS staff, and your general incompetance as well. Be assured that another is on the way, with the attendant copy of the form you wanted a copy of.
In fact, I sincerely hope that you ARE just fucking with me, because if you aren’t it opens up a whole new vista of terror for me. If you are that fucking stupid I worry that you live in the same city as me, and drive a car. I wonder if you have reminders on your calendar to breathe. Then I hope that you do have them, and will forget to look at your calendar today. You are such a useless waste of space, air, energy, and thought that technically, you really shouldn’t exist.
But you do exist. I hope you find that one of the four different letters, each containing a copy of the copy of the form, contain what you need to do your job this time.
If not, send me a letter.