Use a tissue, you animal! A pox on you!

The BBQ Pit
1

You animals! Are we not all adults here? Have seen no one under the age of 20 in this office for a very long time. So how – oh, how – is it that some of us “adults” seem to turn into toddlers in the office restroom???

Okay, you’re stting on the porcelain throne. Look around. What do you see? Well, to your right is a wastebasket and a box of tissues, to your left is enough soft, quilted tissue paper in an industrial dispenser to last you 250 ass-wipes. There’s a paper towel dispenser over there on the wall, and (oh, goody) another garbage can. And look, you are actually sitting on a mighty fine receptacle that was designed to accept all sorts of nasties! Marvelous!

So why – Og, why – do you wipe your snot on the wall??? :mad:

And it’s bad enough that you leave your boogers on every surface within arm’s reach of the toilet, by why the fuck did you wipe your snot all over the wall by the lightswitch? :mad: :mad:

I curse you thusly: May you forever suffer from post-nasal drip. May your Dristan Mist be replaced with sand and your Preparation H tube filled with Crazy Glue. May you never be able to pull off more than one square of toilet paper at time, and may you live a life of coarse, single ply. May your toilet seat always be covered in pubic hairs – not your own. May your bowels protest LOUDLY but only when there are people in earshot. May you drop your wallet in the toilet of that really nasty stall that no one ever admits to using. If you are a man, may others always go out of their way to stand next to you at the urinal and talk. If you are a woman, may your period always catch you unprepared. May your toilet be replaced by one from Japan that you just don’t understand how to use. May you clog the toilet and cause a flood on every first date when you are the guest. May your farts always be wet. And may every big, sloppy, snot-filled sneeze catch you unexpectedly when you don’t have a tissue.

Bastard!

2

9.5!

Minus .5 for lack of cursing, but very well done anyway!!

Bravo

3

This has nothing at all to do with the OP, but I once had to get chewed out (undeservedly, IMHO) by a superior, and I sat there the whole time distracted and mesmerized by the booger sitting in her nose. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.

4

What??? Da-amn! I could’ve called the dumbfuck, “barn-raised fucknugget”, but I let my good nature get the best of me!

Well, next time I see snot slathered on the wall, I’ll have to remember to call the cunt-snap by a proper curse word.

5

I noticed the lack of “fuck fuck fuckity fuckfuck” cursing, but I liked what I heard from the actual curses.
10.0 here. Nice work.

6

Uh, I think they’ve already got one.

7

I used to know a janitor. He said that if you soften them up with a spray bottle, a putty knife will take them right off.

8

Puh-lease! You think our janitors would do that? We’re lucky if they mop the floors. There are some boogers that have been stuck to the wall since the Clinton administration!

(But there’s new stuff too, so I know the poopstain is still working in our building.)

9

Was that nose snot oy cock snot?