Valentine's jokes

On Marriage: One-Liners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
– Henny Youngman

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
– Cindy Garner

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was
water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She
said, “In the lake.”
– Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
– Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The
other replied “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I
was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.

The only time my wife shuts up is when my mother-in-law has something to say.

I never knew what happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

[sub]Thank you. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.[/sub]

Marriage is a three ring circus, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the the suffering.

Farmer Bob: Well, the wife left me for my old buddy, Buford.

Farmer Bill: You bitter?

Farmer Bob: Yep, bit him too!