I’m Best man on Thursday for my best friend. I’ve also had a humour bypass of late. Anyone got any decent jokes (non-lewd) that I can entertain the wedding party with? I’m begging for the crumbs off your tables people! And the first person to mention Blarney gets a pitting. heheh.
Step up to the mike and say ‘FORNICATION’ ::cough a bit:: again say, ‘FORNICATION’ ::cough more strongly:: regain composure and say 'For, an, occasion, such as this… I should have prepared some remarks, but I didn’t So, blah,blah…something sweet. It brought down the house for me last week.
Best wedding joke/prank I’ve ever heard-
Father/best man stands up, gives some semi-maudlin little speech about son and daughter in law, then dedicates a song…
…and George Jones belts out “He stopped loving her today…”
It’s a love song, so you could probably get away with it (depending on the audience), but that first line is priceless in context.
One I’ve heard used a few times is along the lines of “Remember never to go to bed mad at each other, just stay up and fight all night like the rest of us married folk do.”
One of my favorite lines “Just remember… love/wedded bliss/marriage is grand… but divorce is about $60 grand.”
There’s always the classic, “Okay, could all the groom’s old girlfriend’s turn in their keys to his apartment now, please?” For extra fun, include the bride’s mother in that crowd.
I remember the day Bill told me he met the most beautiful girl in the world and I said to him, “but Bill, you’re already engaged to Susan!”
An old couple is being interviewed one day, due to having been married happily for sixty years. The big question is of course, “How did you two manage to do it? What allowed you to stay married, happily, for so many years when so many relationships fail?”
The husband peers into the camera, thinking back over his relationship. He nods his head once, beginning to talk.
"Back 60 years ago…my wife and I went on our honeymoon to the Grand Canyon. We decided to take some mules down into the canyon along a small dirt path.
"We start down the path, when my wife’s mule stumbles, and she points her finger at the mule and says, ‘That’s one.’ We continue on, and a little bit later, the mule stumbles again. “That’s two…!” She says.
"And then, finally we’re reaching the bottom of the canyon when my wife’s mule stumbles again. Which was when my wife said, ‘Three.’ and pulling out a gun, shot the mule dead!
"I was horrified, I looked to her saying, ‘Oh my god! Oh my god! How could you do that, that poor mule!?’
“She pointed her finger at me… ‘That’s one!’”
'My wife and I had twenty happy years…
…and then we met.’ 
An Gadai (sorry, no fada key on my puter), I am shocked, shocked I tells ye, that you are asking for non-lewd stuff. It’s an Irish wedding for feck’s sake!
If you don’t want to be lewd, be short. Quick toast to the happy couple, shut up and sit down so everyone can get on with the drinking.
Alt Gr + vowel = fada.
Thanks for your help folks.
alt + 0237 on your numeric keypad = í
chokes on her Guinness
what he said!
A man is walking along a beach when he finds a bottle washed up on shore. When he picks it up, lo and behold, a genie pops out and offers him one wish.
Says the man, “Well, I’ve always wanted to see Hawaii but I’m afraid of flying and I always get so seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge so I can drive there whenever I want?”
The genie rubs his chin and looks doubtful. “Well, I dunno. A bridge that long would be a major challenge. The ocean floor is so deep and how do you support something that long, plus you’d have to build places to stop and gas up along the way… I just don’t know…are you sure that’s what you want?”
The man says, “Well, there is one other thing that comes to mind. I’m a newlywed, and I really love my wife and want to make her happy. But sometimes I just don’t know how. Can you give me the ability to understand women?”
The genie paused, then said, “So. Do you want that bridge to have two lanes or four?”
It was funnier when my Dad told it.
I used that one in my speech for my brother. Some people may have heard it, but it always gets a laugh. I also used, “I asked [our other brother] what this speech should be about. He said ‘about 30 seconds.’”
Advice I was given: Remember, you are there as a toast for the Groom and Bride. You should be funny, but heart-felt and short. (No one wants to sit for a 10-minute Best Man’s Speech.) You’re not the main attraction; your job is to make sure the groom shows up in one piece and sober enough to say the right things and, during your speech, tell everyone just how great of a couple the newlyweds are. Oh, and make sure you’re not sloshed when you’re up for the speech. Wait until after. Drink water. (Yes, I know what fish do in water, but drink it anyway…; )
Good luck!
ETA: You can also to a bit of a gag, if you’re known for being long-winded (like I am) of walking up to the mic and pulling out page after page after page for your speech. You could even start, “I’m here to say a few words about… Strawberries, bananas, toothpaste… wait, wrong papers.”
That one flopped at my wedding. About 3/4 of the people recruited to turn in keys chickened out, or maybe they just thought it was lame.
I was thinking of using the prop of dozens and dozens of scribbled pages but I’ve written a fairly short succinct speech. I don’t think I’ll go in for any boom tisch gags. Not my style really.
Anyone else remembering “Four Weddings and a Funeral”?
Hm, I think my mondegreen version of that second to last line is better; I always thought it was “she told him to saw it off.”
It went well. I had made bullet points on index cards to make sure I mentioned everyone I was meant to. This was helped by the fact that one dude cycled 189 miles (in a day) to get there. I then made jokes about our childhood activities etc. and one about having stalked the Bride’s family since I was 6 years old. It was funnier at the time than it sounds written down. Thoroughly enjoyable and I recommend County Clare to anyone who wants to see natural beauty of Ireland.