I was wondering how one might go about accurately measuring the velocity of a fart. I think that by using a microphone to record the sound pressure level you might get a rough idea, since the diaphram inside the mic is being vibrated by the velocity of the sound of the fart. I suppose that by inserting a tube up an ass and connecting that tube to some type of psi guage, a more accurate reading might occur. i wonder what the highest velocity of a fart has ever been recorded?
Maybe, you could use a radar gun.
You know, position a cop near your ass, and let fly. He is bound to come up with some sort of reading, they always do.
You could also use a lighter and a thermometer, and measure the heat created.
Either way, this experiment stinks.
Isn’t that what an anumometer is for?
I don’t think this proposed solution addresses the complexities of the problem.
Whereas the proximity of a cop (with radar gun) to the ass in question might be enough to measure farts perpetrated from a motionless position, it should be accepted that many people (not me of course) move and fart at the same time.
The only way to measure farts emanating from the ass of a person already in motion is to adapt speed cameras to measure Fart Velocity taking into account the Relative Velocity vis-a-vis the forward (or backward) motion of the Person Doing The Farting.
So in future, if you are walking down the road and you pass a speed camera whilst farting, don’t be surprised if it takes your photograph and you subsequently receive a Farting Ticket in the post.
http://www.dwyer-inst.com/htdocs/flow/pf.html
Accurate to within 1%. Possibly a bit uncomfortable, but you had to know. 
“We have lift off!”
Good nite!
pelts imthjckaz with moldy cat food
bad joke! bad! bad! SIT!
d&r
Radar gun? Are you willing to make allowances and corrections for the doppler effect? That seems like a pain in the ass.
Why not just use an infrared camera on a farting eskimo? Resolution will be much improved and it won’t stink until spring.
I’ve given this a lot of thought and I can see several possible approaches. First…
Doppler Radar - Just go down to the local news station and ask the weatherguy if you can check out his equipment. Be sure to explain to him what you are trying to do and remind him that it is in the name of science, otherwise he may call the police.
Wind gauges - You’ll need to go to an airport for this. Just back up to one of those cupped twirly wind things, get down in a football stance and let her rip. Keep at it until you get a good reading. Don’t worry about the extra security these days - I’m sure they won’t mind.
High speed cameras - This has been discussed already. The trick is observing an invisible gas. Perhaps infra-red film or night vision goggles.
Substituting liquid expellorant - This assumes that the velocity of a liquid is roughly the same as that of a gas. If that’s the case you could measure the distance the liquid is propelled, apply some fancy calculations, and figure the velocity. I’m sure some aerospace engineers could help you with this - this is, after all, rocket science.
Any other questiuons for us, Scott?
I have a sure-fire way to measure the average velocity. It’s rather simple affair, all you need is gassy food, a bath, a length of tubing of known inside diameter(1 cm ID would be grand), stopwatch, and a graduated cylinder. Here’s the protocol:
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Draw up the bath, disrobe and insert one end of the tubing a short way up your anus.
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Submerge the graduated cylinder, being careful to remove all air bubbles.
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Get in the tub, invert the cylinder and insert free end of tube in cylinder. The air in the tubing will be replaced 1 to 1 with flatus (right word?).
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Time several farts, and note volume of water displaced.
The average velocity, in M/s is given by the equation:
v=T/(1000pir[sup]2[/sup]*t)
Where,
T is Total fart volume in liters (the 1000 converts liters to M[sup]3[/sup])
r is tube inside radius in Meters
t is time in seconds
Oh, forget that. The velocity is inversely proportional to the orifice cross sectional area.
Are you suggesting that sphincters are migratory?
I love you guys
Your right, what was I thinking!
I posted a half-ass answer to a big-ass question.
Research, yes, I must do more research.
As soon as I finish this burrito, I’ll let you guys know how things come out.
Science is fun.
You know, I hate to be PC, but I feel it’s my duty to point it out to you that the accepted term these days is “a flatulating eskimo”.
Carry on. You guys make me snicker.
Anumometer…anemometer…anus…get it?
And “this experiment stinks” is high humor?
Nevermind…
I suppose it could grip the coconut with its cheeks…
Well, this should shoot down the notion that people who surf the internet have too much time on their hands. I mean, this is *important!