Gentlemen, gentlemen, must we use the words “fart” and “condensate” in the same sentence?
Here’s another possibility… how about if we secure some harmonic device securely to the inquisitor’s anus, a “butt kazoo” if you will, and measure the pitch emitted upon maximum exertion? It can then be measured against a known scale which, upon reflection, should probably be determined prior to the test event.
Or maybe NASA could ass this question of an astronaut… Were one to measure the velocity a body of known weight was propelled forward by a space fart at, it seems determining the initiating gas velocity would be elementary. Problem is, in space it would be silent and in a space suit it would be deadly.
I’ve thought that farts are supersonic at times. Like a spy plane, ya know that they’re there(smell), but ya just don’t know where they came from(farter).
Hey that “butt kazoo” idea has some merit but wouldn’t it just measure fart pressure and not velocity. The anus is pretty aerodynamically complex so any such instrument would be tough to calibrate. How about just popping a plain old cork (properly lubed)played back in slow motion. Why, I bet there’s a doper somewhere willing to try it in the name of science. Just remember I’m not a medical doctor.
It’s really not that hard to do.
All you need are a hydrocarbon detector, like heating/AC guys use to test for gas leaks, and a stopwatch.
Set the hydrocarbon detector to it’s most sensitive level. Set it up a measured distance form the ass. Drop trou, fart and click the stopwatch at the same time. Then click the stopwatch again when you hear the hydrocarbon detector squawk.
You’ll have to do this in an air-tight room so no stray breezes will interfere with accuracy. You’ll also want to repeat this experiment with as many subjects as possible to get a reliable average.
I know from experience that the hydrocarbon detector will signal on flatus, but we never thought of timing it.
This is pure genius. You have found a crack in the market…
you could sell this to frat boys across the nation. Bill Gates would be your cabana boy after Rush week.
I can see the infomercial now: The Ronco Butt Kazoo.
I haven’t laughed like this in years…and sadly, I have a method with I assume would work as well as any, but I need one of to determine the proper formula for the calculation.
You either need an underwater camera and a bathtub or a large fish tank with friendly but brave and patient fish in it and a regular camera.
Get in the water, and get your anus aligned parallel to the water. If it’s the fishtank, apologize first, and probably afterwards.
Release!
Measure the maximum distance between the bubble and the source before it reverses direction and heads up.
I think that could give you sufficient data to make your measurement, though I don’t remember enough physics to tell you any more. It’s just a measure of how long until the force of your flatulance is counteracted by the different atomospheric pressures of the water and the…umm…yeah. Anyway…I’m not all that smart, any of the smart folks see any way this could work?
Jack@ss (two s’s or three?), a hydrocarbon detector? You’ve likely stumbled upon a satisfactory method of determining whether or not women fart. I will promptly purchase said device and mount it under my secretary, Ms. Gutrumble’s desk and patiently await the squelch of death. I am still curious if, because of the tighter diameter of their chocolate starfish, the pitch will, like women’s voices, be higher.
And yakboy, thanks for the link above. The bioflatus guide made it clear that the stinkfactor is an indicator of the amount of deadly H2S being purged, another insidious compound for which a lifesaving monitor device exists. We now have a velociflatus back-up tool.
A strange thing happened on the way to this forum… I was watching the weather channel and saw a stormlackey on a beach measuring tropical windstorm velocity with a hand-held propeller device. Maybe Jim Cantore would be willing to stand behind me in a rainsuit and measure my gusts. Well, here’s to the advancement of science.
The admirably informative link given by yakboy provides anecdotal evidence that women fart as much as do men.
The main difference in the Farting Strategy employed by women as opposed to men is that the female of the species farts less often, but emits more Unpleasantness with each Expulsion, making the average daily total for both men and women about the same at half a litre of gas.
Whilst I agree that fart pitch has not been fully investigated by Scientific Boffin People, this is a completely separate subject which may be better suited to Cafe Society, a forum which, if I have read the description correctly, was established specifically for the purpose of discussing Music and The Farts.
Having said that, I do not think it will ever be possible for one man to play a recognisable ‘tune’ using Unaccompanied Anal Emissions. The average male discharge rate of 14 farts per day does not seem to offer enough scope for anything approaching a symphony, and even a short concerto would seem to be beyond the ambitions of most of us.
I sincerely hope that my prediction, in this respect if in no other, proves to be correct.
*Originally posted by Nostradamus * …and even a short concerto would seem to be beyond the ambitions of most of us.
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Admittedly, most of mine qualify as little more than a staccoto’d jingle.
I’m curious though about how the laws of physics are working here. I mean doesn’t a body once set in motion tend to remain in motion? And wouldn’t a fart so set perfectly display the characteristics of Brownian Motion?
Two farts walk into a bar…
which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first one do it.
Is there any evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, to suggest that a horse which farts immediately the starting stalls open gains an advantage over the rest of the field?
I am not interested in the velocity of the fart in this scenario, I am merely curious as to whether a well-timed equine anal emission can make the difference between defeat and victory.
Hmmm… you mean like the JATO (Jet Assisted TakeOff) used by out military to help propel a large object (plane) off a short runway?
:rubbing chin::
Hadn’t considered that before. You know, with a reverse thruster mounted behind, a couple of good alfalfa farts could probably help slow the spirited beast down too.
