It was a lonely Sunday night . . . there was no football on television, so I was reduced to surfing the Straight Dope website; that pesky third -gry word was holed up in a TMI thread and I was determined to get it out, no matter what I would have to purge from memory later on.
The call came from MsRobyn, who had been investigating a strange occurence in the Northeast since Tuesday the Eleventh. She’d been monitoring especially high levels of ulnae pressed against vertebrae, along with increased endorphine levels and close body contact. “Either there’s a lot of really kinky rugby being played up there, or that Massachusettes Institude of Hugology is up to something again.”
“So what do you want me to do about it, Ms. Robyn? I’m near DC and I have to go to my observation of young adults in the presence of pointless Augustan literature on Monday.”
“Punha, I’ve gotten special clearance for you to take a train up north. You’ll be meeting lots of strange individuals on your way up and it’ll be fairly cramped, but you’ve been through worse before.”
Neither of us mentioned the trains to and from boarding school during my period of investigative analysis of the effects on adolescent males (before, during and after puberty) of close proximity to other males with no female sexual outlet.
I still shuddered thinking about the “fire doors” meetings we had. Some things were too disgusting even for the “TMI thread”.
“Will I have a contact waiting there for me when I get to Boston? I don’t want to have to face that . . . place . . . by myself. The endorphine levels alone are enough to make a person . . . you know.”
“Yes . . . I do. Don’t worry about it; you’ll be working with one of our retired agents living in the area, purplebear. She actually graduated from MIH as an undercover agent with us, so she knows the ropes. Look for someone in a purple raincoat and purple boots.”
“Purple . . . raincoat?”
“Yes, and her daughter, a special ops agent with our interrogation division, will be wearing a spcial blue raincoat,” MsRobyn continued.
Special blue raincoat . . . well, if nothing else I knew I wouldn’t be getting all the weird glances my way once I was in the capable hands of purplebear and bluebear . . .
“I’ll take over your search for that ever-elusive -gry word. I’m going to try out a way of searching every forum in the database for the past two years–”
I had to stop MsRobyn from this madness. “Remember what happened to Silo? All it took was a hint at the URL coding and he was yesterday’s news.”
“Yeah . . . for about a week, too. Thanks for the reminder; I’ll just go looking through the archives.”
“Wise choice . . . I’ll be on my way now. Same deal as last time?”
“Yeah . . . Bernie will set you up and Nina managed to get you a sleeper cabin. You’ll have to bring your own food, though . . . budget cuts and all that. Oh, and the train leaves at 9:30.”
It was a tough job, working for the Peabody Institute of Suspicious Sordidities. The pay was poor and the benefits practically not so.
I hung up the phone and got my things together . . . PISS stationery, my PISS laptop, official PISS uniform and undercover PISS gear. The train left in an hour, and I was an hour from Union Station. I thanked God that it wasn’t rush hour and left for the train station.
The affairs and goings-on of my train ride I won’t divulge here; suffice it to say that there are certain persons being investigated for possible connections to the Sherman House of Indigenous Toons (most notably, one in New York who we’d almost captured when he spent a few days in our nation’s capital a few weeks before). I arrived at the train station and began looking for . . . purple. I thought a purple raincoat in so posh a city as Boston would stick out like a midwestern accent in a Russian submarine.
Evidently there was an influx of Minnesota Vikings fans for the Patriots’ football game. I didn’t find purplebear or her associate bluebear for a full half-hour. I feared all was lost; it was 6 am and I was thorougly exhausted from making notes and a near-capture by MIH.
The drive to PISS HQ in Boston was a struggle to stay awake and keep my eyes on my notes instead of . . . other places, shall we say? There were certain things that even a purple raincoat could not hide. At last we pulled into an apartment and they helped me carry my things up to the third floor of the apartment. It wasn’t much, but we had a modem, a phone line and a stove–that was all I required. I had gotten accustomed to living off ramen noodles first in my years at boarding school and then as an underpaid PISS agent.
A quick pot of noodles (complete with peas and an egg) and the morning news, and I was soundly asleep.
[sub]To be continued . . . [/sub]