So, Dopers, let’s say that you have a daughter and a son. As they grow older you discover that your daughter is a lesbian. She gets married or in a committed relationship with another woman. They decide to have children. But your daughter can’t be the one to bear the child.
Would you still consider their child a true “grandchild”, even though they’re not genetically linked to you?
1a) Would your opinion change if they split up before the child was born, or soon after?
In the above scenario, what would you think if they asked your son to be the father of the child? Would it change your answer to the second part of the question?
Sorry, I have a fairly long commute and sometimes my mind gets down weird paths. Hope these don’t offend anyone.
Sure, there’s more to family than genetics. If the baby grows up with my daughter as a mother figure then it’s her kid. If they split up before the kid’s born, it depends who it lives with. If it lives with my daughter at all then yes, otherwise not so much.
Uh… that’s kinda weird. I dunno if my son would agree to that. But if he did then yeah, whatever. I’m pretty sure I’d get past the weirdness after seeing the baby in person. Like I said, I don’t think genetic links are that important when it comes to family and having a kid look like its parents is just icing on the cake. And I guess if my son donated sperm, the kid might actually look like my daughter…
As for 1a), it really depends, but my tendency would be to err on the side of “yes.” After all, whatever the arrangement, the idea was for my daughter and my daughter-in-law to have a child together. If they split up, assuming my daughter continued to consider it her child, I don’t see why I wouldn’t consider it my grandchild.
If your heterosexual daughter and her husband decided to adopt a child, would you still consider their child a true “grandchild”, even though they’re not genetically linked to you?
Yes. I have no genes at all in common with my (step-)Grandfather–but since my genetic grandfathers died before I was born, he’s the only one I’ve ever known.
No–and I would hope that she gets to see the child, and I do, too.
I see the sense of this, genetically, but … ewww! Even though it’s not incest/infidelity, it sure feels like it. I would prefer they went with a sperm bank, honestly. Plus, three parents … ? Extra complicated. Yeah, the kid won’t be plagues with questions about who its father is, but it’s still weird.
Hmm, lesbian daughter’s significant other bears child, grandchild or not? Yep, as much a grandchild as if they adopted a child.
Son is father of lesbian daughter’s SO? Yep, blood relation grandchild.
Addition item for thought - what is a grandparent and is blood relationship all that important?
In my case - I married wife one - had two children - divorced and recieved custody of children.
Married wife two - had a child.
The parents of wife one consider the child of wife two as much a grandchild as my two childern with wife one. I think in this world of blended families, mixed relationships, and children living miles from blood relatives, anyone who gets to be a grandparent should enjoy the experience. I’m a “grandfather in area” to several children who’s grandparents live far away or are deceased.
A different way of looking at this in hetero mode:
Child marries someone with a child by previous marriage? Is that a grandchild? (of course)
Now, what if the marriage doesn’t take?
FWIW, this happened with my brother. He married a woman with two kids, they were married for a few years. Now they’re no longer together. AFAIK my parents don’t really consider the kids by previous marriage as grandkids, nor vice versa.
In their case this is probably also at least somewhat due to the distance involved, the relatively older ages of the kids, and that they only ever met them once or twice and will likely not often see them again.