At my 25th year reunion, several years back, I ran into a few people who used to be hangers-on with bullies. I had a drink and pleasant enough conversation with them. I didn’t feel like they needed to make anything up to me for dumb things said and done over a quarter century ago. The actual bullies themselves didn’t attend. Some were dead of alcohol or drugs. A couple were doing time. The rest, it seemed, had just gone on to lead shitty, underemployed, bottom of the food chain lives and were embarassed to attend. They fucked themselves over enough that I don’t need an apology. Shit, if the guy who was thecworst of the bunch had apologized to me for trying to push me around, I’d have been obliged to say I was sorry for responding by throwing him down a stairwell.
OTOH, there were mean, catty girls in HS who hurt a lot of people’s feelings with the things they said. They were there too and still acted much the same. It’d have been a nice gesture for them to have made a blanket apology for all the bitchy things they said (and were going to say).
Overall, reunions are kind of a waste of time and dwelling on ancient insults yields no profit.
Victims of school bullying: if you met your bully now and were offered an apology, would you accept?
My response is a mutli-part answer.
I had the normal childhood teasing which I got over by the time I was 10 or so. I don’t expect apologizes for that.
My biggest non-family tormentor was a camp counselor at a summer day camp my middle sister and I had to go to for an entire summer. One of the (male) counselors (actually, they were ALL male now that I think about it) made my life a living hell. I had been given a lice infestation by a friend from school and as a result all my hair had to be cut off. In spite of the fact that at 10 I had larger boobs than most adult women I knew, this guy insisted I was a boy and basically did everything in his power to get everyone, kids and counselors, to make fun of me. OThe only one of the counselors who DIDN’T give me a hard time actually apologized for not standing up for me and I accepted it gratefully. Years later I ran into my tormentor at high school. I was a freshman and he was a senior. He was friends with my best friend and as far as I could tell, he was a great guy. He was an excellent student and was into community service. He didn’t even seem to remember who I was and was nice to me whenever we ran into each other. I was pissed at him for a few months until I did the math and realized that he was probably only 13 or 14 when he was bullying me and it’s very possible that he was having hormonal issues that caused him to be a dick. I forgave him in my head even though he never offered an apology.
The biggest bully of my life was my oldest sister. She made my life a living hell. She delighted in beating the crap out of me as often as possible. By the time I was 11 or 12 we were no longer living under the same roof for various reasons. When I was 14 or so I finally got my satisfaction when she attacked me in a family therapy session, proving once and for all that I hadn’t been lying. My mother and the therapist apologized for never believing me. Oddly enough, after that incident, my sister and I started to get along better and by the time I was 17 we were quite friendly. I have lived with her twice since I turned 18 and she is now my best friend in the whole world. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without her. I don’t remember if she ever apologized verbally but she definitely did in other ways and I have no unhappy thoughts about her.
This exactly, only I’m 38.
I have evolved a lot since childhood, and most likely the bullies have as well. If they’re mature enough now to apologize, why shouldn’t I be mature enough to accept?
Well, I don’t have many memories of being a bully’s target. If an old bully contacted me and apologized I’d assume they were a 12-stepper apologizing to everybody, and say “thanks, check me off your list.”
This. I was physically beaten, not just teased a bit too much.
I also had a few teachers who bullied me psychologically, mostly because I wasn’t a real girly girl. I had one teacher repeatedly threaten to hold me back a grade, despite the fact that I got excellent marks. I won’t go into the issue of my first high school counselor again.
Depends on who it was. I had a few bullies that just did it because everyone else did. If they told me they realize now that going with the group was a shitty thing to do, I’d probably forgive them. But there’s a few I wouldn’t forgive. But those are the ones who would never apologize, anyway.
Two odd situations came up: Once I met some girls that bullied me at a fundraising event. We exchanged pleasantries and they told me they were no longer friends with the worst bully I ever had. They didn’t directly apologize to me, but acknowledged that this girl was a horrible person.
The other time, I ended up in a university class with the older sister of 2 girls who bullied me. I kind of resented her for not telling her little sisters to STFU and behave, but she never did anything directly to me. We ended up hanging around a bit. I never saw her sisters, but I might accept an apology from them.
Unfortunately I tend to hold lifelong grudges. I’d cheerfully kick the living shit out of the two assholes who made life hell in Jr. High for a skinny, unathletic, shy boy who had done nothing to earn their enmity. I didn’t regain any self-confidence until I was in college. That was 50 years ago and I still bear them ill will, along with that sadistic prick of a gym teacher who allowed them to get away with it.
Sure, I’d accept a sincere apology. Why hold a grudge and make yourself less happy?
I should add, however, that I was treated pretty much like crap as a kid - I was the second lowest kid on the totem pole. What that means is that I was an unbearable shit to the girl on the bottom. I tagged her with the cruelest nickname in the world. I’ve often thought about looking her up and trying to apologize, but then I think, that’s selfish - would it be to make her feel better? I doubt it would. It would be shitty to do that just to make myself feel better.
I would only accept an apology, if doing so allowed me to capture my bullies allowing me to torture and then kill them. Not mature at all and maybe not even true. But yeah, I’m still angry at them.
Of course I’d accept it. I’m not the same person I was 25 years ago, only a collossal prick would assume the bully hasn’t changed either.
Yep, and I have in the past – in fact, only a few years AFTER being bullied. Once when I was in college, a girl from my high school came through my line when I was working one night, and she appologized for being so nasty in high school. She said, “I was such a bitch in high school, and I feel really ashamed now.” It wasn’t that big of a deal, since she was more annoying than anything else.
The other was a kid from grade school who was REALLY annoying, and who I used to fight with for years, before he was left in 7th grade. (I think he was having a lot of problems at home that year). Still, when he used to come to the grocery store where I worked, we’d joke around, (You’re not going to hit me with a book, are you?)
(To be fair, back in school we also used to joke around too and try to get each other in trouble. He was kind of like my “nemesis”, more than my bully).
But honestly, it was a long time ago, and I really don’t give a shit now. What’s the point – I was a kid, they were kids, why hold onto all that anger and hurt now? Now, there’s some people I might AVOID, who were bullies in general that didn’t bother me, but that’s just because they were psychotic.*
*There was this one kid in my neighborhood who probably ended up in prison. He went to our high school for a few months, then he was expelled and went to an alternative school. He once grabbed my best friend’s hand, and twisted a piece of skin until it tore off. Everyone was freaked out by him. He was seriously fucked in the head.
What about those of us who were bullied unmercifully and have just enough contact to believe our bullies haven’t changed their attitudes at all - are we still colossal pricks too?
I was verbally and sexually harrassed by a number of assholes at school, but trying to remember who said exactly what at this late date is not something I care to get into. Thinking too much about what was done to me inevitably ruins my day, even now 35 years later, so I avoid dwelling on the subject. That entire era of my life I keep enshrouded in an unpleasant mental fog in the back of my memory. I feel it rumbling now, so I’ll shut-up.
Can’t really articulate my conditions on accepting or refusing, except to say I’d probably feel better about accepting after I got to shoot them in the leg, or something.
j/k.
I was bullied in junior high and into 9th grade. I think I would accept an apology, if it were sincere. Some people have said that their apology would only be to try and make themselves feel better, and that’s no doubt true, but who cares? We can’t go back and redo it and take away the pain and hurt from childhood; the best we can do is make amends. If one of my bullies wanted to do that with me, I would probably accept.
Although I might guilt trip them a little first, get all nostalgic about the cruel and totally unwarranted abuse s/he heaped upon me.
There is one guy in particular, though, man, if he tried to apologize to me, I’d probably knee him in the groin. What an asshole he was. If only I hadn’t been such a shy and mousy person back in junior high.
BTW, I just looked him up on Facebook (he was easy to find, since we have a couple mutual friends). He’s still around the area and now I know what he looks like today. I will update in case any kneeing of groins ensue.
I just don’t understand what people think they’re getting out of holding on to it. It isn’t hurting them, and it certainly isn’t hurting their 11 year old selves - it’s just hurting you.
Shit, last week is ancient history as far as I’m concerned. We’re different people 30,000 times over by now. I’d be astounded if my bullies even remembered. I’ve been a bully and I wouldn’t even consider it necessary to apologize. Any time I run into somebody from school is like I’m meeting them for the first time.
Well, people are different and what may be easy for some people to get over isn’t easy for others. It’s hard to say “I’m over it,” and really mean it. Personally, I don’t feel myself permanently scarred by the bullying I went through, and it’s not something I reflect on very often. But a couple specific people really hurt me badly and when I think of them (which isn’t very often, but the memories are brought up by threads like this), I still feel that same anger and shame that I did when I was a kid. It’s not necessarily easy to completely disassociate from those memories. If you have been able to do that, that’s awesome and I’m a little envious.