So I see a porno with a totally hot young lass on the cover.
I buy it, and lo and behold, the woman is nowhere in the movie! Everyone else pictured on the box was in the movie, but not the Goddess, who is plastered all the cover.
Now I don’t even have her name, so I can buy a real movie she’s in from a DIFFERENT video distributor.
This is how you conduct business, Vivid Video?
Never ever ever EVER will I buy another one of your movies, you rat bastards. Hear that? I vote with my dollars. You get no more.
No, but you can have the movie. Naturally, everyone else in it is an ugly cow.
Oh, yeah, I forgot one other thing.
Vivid Video, fuck you for having Janine sign a contract which stipulates she do no scenes with men. She’s a PORN STAR, morons! What fucking dumbass lawyer approved that?
It used to be that way in the 80s, but I haven’t been screwed like this in a good five or six years. And what burns my ass is that they use a REAL porn star on the cover. I’ve seen that woman in hardcore pics before.
God, I want to give that company a slap.
Hey Drunk, check the title shown on the tape, and during the tape, and compare it to the cover. Are you sure the film you rented wasn’t switched and had the label plastered, or the video clerk didn’t give you the wrong one? From my–or rather, other people’s experiences, the customer gets a refund when either or both happened.
I’ve had this same thing happen to me, only it happened to me more than once.
The first time it happened, I was shit out of luck. I went back to the place I bought it and bitched. The guy behind the counter, or more precisely, ten feet above me behind a glass case that held all kinds of fascinating things, told me, basically, ‘They sometimes do that. Take it up with the people that made it.’
Seeing as I was a young sprite, and had taken about a month to work up the nerve, and a game-plan no less, to actually go into one of these shops, I didn’t put up much of a fight.
The second time, however, was a bit different.
Flash forward about ten years, include a few years bartending under my belt and the revelations about women that come from that job, a steady girlfriend, a bunch of booze, and a new sense of purpose in life, and the situation was much different.
The second time it happened, I had gone up earlier in the evening- with the girlfriends approval- and picked up a porno at the local video store.
Later that night I pop the tape in.
As it starts up and goes through the credits and whatnot, I’m walking around, getting into the evening shorts a tee, and am, for the most part, not paying a lot of attention to the screen. I kinda sorta listening but am more interested in getting comfortable, getting a beer in my hand, and joining the girlfriend on the couch.
As I walk around the apartment, I hear the thing begin and the normal ‘porno’ start up.
I listen and hear a couple guys talking to each other. Something about gettin’ laid… hard up for days… balls and some-such thing.
O.K… We’re setting up the meager plot. A couple guys are rooming together and they’re talking action. Cool. It’s a stale plot theme, but hey, go with the tried and true, right?
I’m walking around in the kitchen at this point, trying to gather up a beer and kill the lights. In the background I here my dearest:
“So what did you get?”
“I dunno. The cover looked kind of romantic, it looks kind of tame (It didn’t, but I was in girlfriend mode. It was the least raunchy looking tape with the starlet the farthest from looking even remotely like my girlfriend that I could find. I’d made that mistake before let me tell you- ‘Hey, that gal kinda looks like you, babe. Look at what she can do!!’. You can only imagine how that went. So, with that experience in mind, I said the safest thing possible. There was a lot of that going on by the time we broke up… safe talk, that is’). So, I mean, it looks alright.”
“What’s it called?”
“Beats me. Something tender moments or some such thing. Why?”
“Well I don’t know about these things, but it looks kind of different. What was the name again?”
:: She was amazing that way- the not listening part. Whenever I did it, her radar went off and I heard the ‘You don’t pay attention to me. Why not?’ speech, but when she never listened, well, I won’t go into that. ::
“I told you, I don’t know. Why?”
“Well… why are there only guys on it so far.”
“Honey, that’s how they start. That’s how they always start. They do the bonding thing and then go scam some serious women.”
At this point I think I was moving towards the bathroom to kill the light. In the background, since she’d brought it up, I was listening more closely to the dialogue-
::-Heard from the tube-::
"Hey… that’s a nice pool Bruce.”
"You like it Steve? Maybe we should take swim together. It’s awfully hot out here.”
“I thought you’d never ask, Bruce.”
The girlfriend cuts in-
“See. It’s only guys. So far, it’s only been Steve and Bruce. Are you sure you got a porno?”
“Well, yeah. I was in the right section and everything. The guys all looked like what’d you see in the porn section. Boy, there was this one guy, geez, I think he was reading the reviews of…”
“That Bruce is pretty built”
“What? Who? Which one is Bruce?”
“He’s the one approaching Steve”
“Why’s he doing that?”
“Don’t ask me, you got the tape”
:: Yet another girlfriend technique she employed way too often. She could see and dispense blame on others in fractions of a second… and dammit, she was always right. ::
“I’m tellin ya, it was a regular ol’ porno. It had some girls on it and everything.”
“Well, there’s not girls on this. All there’s been is Steve and Bruce and it looks like they’re about to start something up. Ow WOW! I’ve never seen anything like this. Keep it on, I gotta see this!”
“I don’t know what’s going on here. Where’s the remote for my VCR?”
" Look at this Chris!! Look! I think they’re going to kiss!”
“Are you on the remote!?! Where’s the remote. It was sitting right here.”
“No, don’t!!”
“I’m serious! I don’t want to see this. Where is it. I’m shutting this off. I’m serious!!”
“Look!! Ohh Ohhh Ohhh They’re kissing!!”
“I’M SERIOUS. I didn’t want this and I’m not watching it. Dammit!! I don’t want to…”
“AHHHHH!!! Ohhhhhhhh. I can’t believe it!”
It was over.
As much as I’d turned away and tried to avoid it, out of the corner of my eye, I’d seen it - Steve and Bruce were in a full embrace and involved in a particularly passionate… I don’t know what it was… but it was something.
At that point, and I don’t remember how it happened, but I was already off the couch and at the VCR, hitting the eject button without even looking for it. How I managed that -not the getting up off the couch maneuver, but the finding the eject button- without even looking at the machine, or the direction of the TV, I’ll never know. I just found myself there and out popped the tape.
I grabbed it, looked at my girlfriend who was now curled up and giggling hysterically, covering her mouth because it was so bad she knew it’d make me even madder if she didn’t try to feebly restrain her amusement, and I headed for the door.
Despite the rain, the fact that I was shoeless, and even the fact I was in only sweat-shorts and a tee shirt, I made a beeline for the video store.
Unbeknownst to me, the tapes had been mismatched.
The counter-girl, and her assistant friend, all of about seventeen years old, apologized profusely for the mistake.
Somehow, their concern seemed less than genuine to me. Maybe I was in overly sensitive mode at that moment.
Whatever it was, the night just wasn’t the same after that. Not so much that I mind Steve and Bruce together, that doesn’t really bother me, but it was how the night had ended.
I don’t know if I’ve had such set plans so horribly and quickly crash before my eyes.
So, Town Drunk, I think there’s a few lessons in here that may serve you well.
Yes, pornographers sometimes embellish the covers of porno’s, and unfortunately, there’s not much you can do but go after the people that made it.
And while yes, that may complete suck and piss you off, it could have turned out a whole lot different.
Dude, chill. It was just two guys in a passionate embrace. It wasn’t like you’d accidentally rented a pedophilic Bolivian snuff film. I doubt the situation called for…well, panic.
As fast as I was able to get off the couch that night, Ogre, and avoid the screen, I wasn’t faster than the editor of that movie, who, apparently, must have attended the school of fast takes.
I had a similar experience to Cnote’s. I rented a tape and got it home, only to discover there were WOMEN on it! Ew!
Of course, I didn’t freak out and go into shock and nearly kill myself trying to pop the tape out of the VCR. But then, I wasn’t overcompensating for something.
