Please, bring to me all of your wacky college stories. I’m set to graduate soon and am finding myself with a shortage of wacky college stories of my own, and must vicariously live out my life through MPSIMS.
Well, once Laura made the hideous error in judgment of asking the rest of us Bright Young Things to babysit her apartment whilst she was in Europe. We decided we wanted to throw a Beach Blanket Bingo party, so we covered her apartment in sand, dragged her clawfoot tub into the living room and filled it with fruit, set up sunlamps and beach umbrellas, and showed up in early '60s swimsuits—had a GREAT time. Don’t recall if anyone ever cleaned up her apartment.
Oh, and once my college roomie set up blinking Xmas lights which drove me nuts. When she went away for a weekend, I rearranged them in our window to read EAT AT JOES.
Out at good ol’ Assboink U., we used to enjoy tipping cows over.
Then there was the time we snuck the mule up into the Bursar’s Office.
And did you know that our college library was supposed to be THREE stories, not two? It seems the architect forgot to compute the weight of the books.
And the statue of the school founder would tip his hat every time a virgin walked by.
Let me know if you need any more…
– Ukulele “Go Reds! Smash State!” Ike
Let it be known that Ike is hereby officially banned from any of my threads. 
There was that time when I started a food fight in the student cafeteria by doing my impression of a zit.
Also, when I used a ladder to peek into one of the sorority’s windows.
And remind me to tell you about the toga party we had with Otis Day and the Knights.
And then, there was the time we sabotaged the school parade. Those were the days.
We went right out there and refused to do accoustical versions of the electrical songs that we had refused to record in the first place.
THAT’S IT! THREAD CLOSED! EVERYONE GO HOME!
Well, Breck, I have a real one. My friend HATED her roommate, a JAP from Jersey with a voice only Fran Drecher’s mom could love. (YES, I know Fran’s not from Jersey…) So we turned everything on her half of the room upside down. Posters, pictures, books, Everything. She was royally pissed. It was grand.
That’s as rowdy as I get. Sorry.
A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:
“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!
That would be short for Jewish American Princess, not a derrogatory term toward the Japanese people.
I need to stop posting today.
Now that Breckenshire’s shutting off the lights, let me entertain the remaining Dopers with a stirring rendition of our School Song!
*LIFT! the steins to dear old Assboink,
SHOUT! till the rafters ring!
STAND! and drink a toast once again,
Let every loyal Assboinker sing!
Then DRINK! to all the happy hours,
DRINK! to the careless days,
DRINK! to Assboink, our Alma MAHHHHH-ter,
The College of our hearts always!
To the trees! To the skies!
To the Spring and its glorious happiness!
To the youth! To the fire!
To the light that is moving and calling us!
To the Gods! To the Fates!
To the Rulers of Men and Their Destinies!
To the lips! To the eyes!
Of the girls who will love us some day!
Ohhhhh LIFT! th’ steins to…*
{chorus and FADE}
This is actually more disgusting than wacky, but imagine all the fun you’ll have telling your grandkids:
I lived in a fraternity house with 15 other men. The house was connected (row house style) to the most popular bar at school. To say that things got a little drunken would be an understatment.
One evening I came home after a pub crawl, walked up the stairs to my room and found a line of men coming out of my room and stretching down the hall (my guess - 10 guys). I made my way to the front of the line (it was my room after all) and found a woman…ah…servicing three of my fraternity brothers in my bed. It seems that she had made up her mind to be the evenings’ entertainment and had already rocked the world of several guys.
Now, I’m a pretty understanding sort, but this was a little much. My only comment, which everyone was nice enough to accept, was “I don’t care what you do with her, but get her the hell out of my bed.” The sheets, pillows, pillowcases, bedspread, mattress, and box springs I proceeded to take to the middle of the street and burn. Made a pretty good bonfire and the bar patrons got a big kick out of it.
I was voted “Most likely to catch a veneral disease without the benefit of having sex” at the next house meeting.
“Smithers, release the hounds.” -C. Montgomery Burns
Gee, Ike, I didn’t know Rudy Vallee went to Assboink, too!
Here’s the alma mammy to my own college, dear old Pottawottamee:
We sing to thee, Pottawottamee; Pottawottamee to thee!
Where the cactus on the campus blooms again; Where the lovely greenswards’ mightier than the pen;
Boys and girls together in thy bounty—
Fairest school in all of Stopgap County!
Pottawottamee it’s thee! Pottawottamee!
You made a lotta me, Pottawottamee!
You hit the spot o’ me, Pottawottamee!
I love Pottawottamee with all my anotomy—
And each tiny tot o’ me that is begot o’ me
Will go to Pot—Will go to Pot—to Pottawottomeeeee!
Gee, Ike, I didn’t know Rudy Vallee went to Assboink, too!
Here’s the alma mammy to my own college, dear old Pottawottamee:
We sing to thee, Pottawottamee; Pottawottamee to thee!
Where the cactus on the campus blooms again; Where the lovely greenswards’ mightier than the pen;
Boys and girls together in thy bounty—
Fairest school in all of Stopgap County!
Pottawottamee it’s thee! Pottawottamee!
You made a lotta me, Pottawottamee!
You hit the spot o’ me, Pottawottamee!
I love Pottawottamee with all my anotomy—
And each tiny tot o’ me that is begot o’ me
Will go to Pot—Will go to Pot—to Pottawottomeeeee!
“made up her mind?” How sure are you that she did that in a clear and sober state of mind? That sounds REALLY suspect to me.
Ike, Mull, note that your IPs have been logged.
<I knew that would come in handy!>
There was a kid who lived across the hall. Turns out, he and I had coincidentally taken acid on the same night. I found out that it was his first time doing acid, so in my twisted head, I thought it would be funny to show him this video and see his reaction. I had him sit in another room while I set the VCR right at the point in Misery where the dude gets both his ankles hobbled. Needless to say, it didn’t treat him very well…He ran out of the apartment screaming at the top of his lungs, arms flailing, the whole nine yards. We looked out the window, and he just sprinted until he was out of sight. He called his roommate 2 hours late to come pick him up. He was about 4 miles off campus.
Before I get the lecture, I know it was a shitty thing to do, and I shouldn’t have. I apologized the next day and we remained friends throughout college.
That movie taught me some important lessons in life. 1. I can build a robot that loves me. 2. I can reanimate my dead girlfriend by jamming bits of metal and silicon into her skull. Both are lessons I use on a daily basis…
In college, I was an RA my senior year. At my school, being an RA is a very big deal, unlike many schools where the RA is the guy that couldn’t find people to live off-campus with.
My dorm is a very old building. Built in 1882. It houses only 160 or so guys, so everyone is fairly close. The rooms on my floor, the third, are about 15 feet tall. At the end of the year the guys in my section wanted to get me a little going away gift. So one night when I was at a party off-campus, they went to work. They had been collecting newspapers for several months, and began to crumple them up and deposit them in my room. There were about 12 guys working on it for about 2 1/2-3 hours. Apparently, they got my room filled up at least 6 feet deep. The entire room.
Did I mention that room inspections were the next morning? Well, luckily, I was staying off campus that night, and when I got back to campus, went straight to the dining hall. People were sort of snickering and a few people came up and asked me what I thought of my room. Didn’t have a clue as to what happened. When I got back to my room, I open up the door and see…absolutely nothing.
The room inspectors had come early that morning and upon seeing the room, called my rector. He comes up to the room, looks in, and starts laughing. The inspectors, not seeing the humor in this joke, said, “Well, obviously we’re going to give him the standard fine. But what else should we do?” To which my rector replied, “You think he did this to himself?!?” “Well…uh…now that you mention it…I guess not.” My rector rounded up all the guys in the section, sans Connor, and had them clean it up. All I ever saw were a few pictures.
I guess I could mention the time I got to beat the crap out of Barney, but that’s for another day…
I ask not what you can do for me, but what you can do for me right now.
My cousin’s roommate was one of the few people to stay at school during spring break last year. Apparently, there were not many RAs around either, because he decided that he would “spruce up” the room of these girls that he and my cousin know.
According to my cousin, the locks on the doors are easy to pick, so he went in their room one evening while everyone was gone. Using some lumber, plastic tarps, rocks, and I don’t know what else, he constructed a fish pond in the girls’ room that only left enough floor space for them to open the door. He filled it from the sink and then actually went out and bought fish and plants to fill it.
Apparently all of this went undetected until the girls returned from break and opened their door. Pandemonium.
My cousin said that the dorm director made him take it all down. I don’t know how that was accomplished.
I know that “she made up her mind” because she told me. She was completely sober. That made it all the more vile (in my way of thinking.)
C’mon, dig deep and donate… We really need your stories.
Peanut Gallery not included.
Last semester, which was my first, one of our roommates went home for the weekend. Me and my other roommate decided it would be a good idea to put a letter on his door (we each have single rooms) stating that after an inspection, it was decided that his room was unfit for human survival. We even used his full name and signed it from the housing director. It said he had to vacate his room by the next day or the city health commision would come in and take control. He fell for it totally. He was all worried when he came back and we had a good laugh of it.
This is the most exciting thing I’ve seen since Halley’s Comet collided with the moon.