Was I wrong?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay…I’m new to this…but I have a question and want to get unbiased opinions from those not directly involved in this…what better place than the SDMB??? This is a long story so hang in there with me…

My husband and I went on vacation this past week with our children and his parents. We have a total of 5 children…his, mine and ours. I have an extremely difficult time dealing with my step children. They are being raised completely different than I am used to. They run things in their mom’s house to the point of just utter ridiculousness. I don’t find it cute or amusing at all…I find it rude and spoiled. They constantly bicker over who has what and who doesn’t…not just normal kid things…they will argue over ANYTHING. I am always on edge when they are with us and 9 out of 10 times I look forward to when they leave and go home to their mom. I have read endless books on blending families and trying to treat everybody equally but it just isn’t working.

I think my husband has a different set of rules for the kids that live with us full time vs. his children that visit every other weekend. In my opinion he is so hard on the ones at home and lets the others get by with way more when they are with us. I don’t think this is fair to any of our kids.

I have pointed this out to him several times and tried to get him to see my point.

He says I constantly look for things his kids do and harp on them as if I am waiting for them to mess up. I will contend this probably does happen sometimes but not always. He is blind to how they behave and how they treat me.

The other issue is his mother CONSTANTLY brings up the ex-wife to me and around me. I get to hear about her job, her new husband, her weekend plans, you name it. My mother-in-law supposedly had an awful relationship with the ex and supposedly likes me a great deal. I have politely pointed out that I don’t want to know the ex’s every move because it doesn’t concern me and it makes me uncomfortable. I have also pointed it out to my husband and he says he has no control over what his mother says.

We have been married for 3 years and up until about 6 months ago there was still a wedding picture of my husband with his first wife up in my in-laws home. This bothered me and hurt me a great deal and I finally bitched about it enough that my husband said something to his mother and she reluctantly took them down.

On this particular vacation I had a miserable time. The kids were unappreciative of anything I tried to do. They were rude to me. They were just basically awful and I ended up losing my temper, having an arguement with my husband in front of not only the kids, but my inlaws and generally embarassing all of us.

I apologized profusely to my in-laws and my husband and tried to make the most of the rest of the trip but it was no use.

We got home and I explained my feelings to my husband and told him that in the future I think it would be best if he wanted to go on vacation with his parents and his children that I stay home for the time being. Maybe my relationship with these kids will get better as they mature or as I get more accustomed to their behavior but I don’t see making myself miserable by going on these trips and to be honest, they would probably prefer I not go either.

My husband is completely upset about this and we have not spoken since Friday other than to fight. It is to the point that he has said he doesn’t think we can stay together.

I have tried to explain to him that I didn’t marry his parents or his children and that we should put the 2 of us over anybody else in our family but he says they are part of the package. I agree to some point but I think it would be best if I sat out the next family vacation.

Am I being selfish or is he being unreasonable?

2

First off, you were on record with both your husband and his parents that you had issues with the way his kids were being brought up and how his parents behaved around you. That you didn’t just fly off the handle completely out of the blue counts in your favor: you tried to smooth the waters, you read the books on blending families, you explained the issues you saw with the way things were being handled, and it looks like you’re not getting a whole lot of support or sympathy from his side of the family.

On the other hand, to a certain extent, you did marry his kids–they’re part of his family, so if you marry him, you marry them, too. Same thing but to a lesser degree with his parents. You’re a part of their family.

I don’t think you’re being selfish, but I’m not sure he’s being unreasonable, either. It sounds like the three generations of his family is staying fairly consisent in their attitudes and behavior, and it looks like you’ve got some diplomacy or changing to do before you’ll be happy with them long-term.

3

I agree for the most part…however, I have told him that I am going to be around a lot longer than our children or his parents. His parents will evntually not be with us any longer and the kids will move out and make their own lives as they should.

There have been NUMEROUS examples of his family being less than respectful to me and I have tried to calmly talk to him…I haven’t always been successful because I admit I have a nasty temper at times.

I have asked him to put himself in my shoes and if every time he was around my family they talked about my ex how would he feel? And I have pointed out that I wouldn’t allow that to happen because I would tell my parents to lay off.

I have apologized and I have offered to try and work on things but I am sticking to the fact that I don’t want to be included on any more family outtings for the time being.

I do tend to get rather steadfast in my opinions…especially when I am angry but I don’t think it is horrible of me to ask him to leave me out on the next trip.

My mother and my grandmother couldn’t get along when I was growing up and I distinctly remember visiting my grandparents with my father while my mother stayed home. She knew they had a rocky relationship and she also knew my father wasn’t going to cut her out of his life and she wanted me to know my grandparents. That was over 20 years ago and they tolerate being around each other now and are civil to each other but there is still no love loss.

4

It does not seem to me as though his divorce is totally final in his mind or in his parents’. Talking about what someone is doing is one thing, but to the extent it seems to be in their lives (and in yours) seems a bit much to me. YMMV, perhaps.

5

I honestly don’t believe he has any lingering doubts about his divorce. I know he wanted to marry me. I’m not so sure about his parents. His mom always complains about how the ex is raising the kids, how she treated my husband, etc. but I get the feeling that sometimes she wishes he had stayed married to the first wife for the sake of appearances whether he was happy or not. She is big on what people think and I know it crushed her when he said he was getting a divorce.

My best friend thinks the mother-in-law is trying to sabotage the relationship. She is one of those people who just isn’t happy unless she has something to be miserable about. The glass is always half empty to her.

She will complain about my step-son’s weight then turn around and give him ice cream for breakfast if he asks for it.

It is just nutty to me. I was raised with definite boundaries and I can’t get used to the lack of them with my stepchildren.

6

He needs to support you in getting his family to knock it off with comments about the ex. You’re his wife and it’s his duty to stand up to his parents-- no copping out with the old ‘I can’t stop them’ crap. Even if it means he has to be a little insistent that they not hurt his wife (sheesh), and their feelings get hurt.

As for not participating in family outings, I’ve gotta say that sounds like a bad idea. Nothing is being solved, it’s just festering. Go on the outings and stand up for yourself. If the kids are rude, call them on it every damned time. Make sure hubby knows you’re not going to be a doormat anymore and that you require his assistance. Generalization Warning They’re testing you, trying to see what they can get away with and maybe even enjoying making you miserable. Running away will simply teach them how far they can push you and that you’re not a full-fledged member of the family. As though if they mistreat you enough, maybe you’ll go away. Most importantly, you need your husband to back you up, but even if you have to go it alone, it’ll be worth it. Go get 'em slugger!

7

i’m not in your shoes, Aries28, and (please Og) never hope to be… but may i howl in compassion with your situation?

it sounds like there are issues inside of issues abounding in your situation. at the risk of invoking the shade of Ann Landers, may i strongly suggest that you and hubby consider some couples’ counseling?

the yours/mine/ours kid area sounds like a minefield. one of the baselines that i’m always seeing expounded is that husband and wife must present a united front against the younglings. (slight overstatement, but you get the drift.) since you say you’ve tried talking this subject out directly with hubby, without any apparent meeting of the minds, the fact of going to an objective independent party to “arbitrate” between you might encourage him to take the matter more seriously. it sounds like you have some legitimate issues, and he’s not being fair to you if he’s allowing “his” children to disrespect you while visiting in your own home.

if you can work out mutually-adhered-to ground rules in dealing with the kids, then you might be able to convince him to set some bounderies with the parents. i’d personally recommend dealing with the kids first and foremost in any case. if they’re really running as wild as you perceive, they are in dire need of someone actually ACTING as a parent to them, for their own well-being. pity it sounds like neither their “real” mom nor dad wants to be first to step up to the plate.

8

You’re in deep kimchi.

Your husband has absolutely got to back you up in every situation - kids, parents, the whole nine yards. If he’s not willing to do that, he won’t back you up at some time in the future on something totally unrelated.

As far as the kids - go to Amazon and get two books by Gregory Bodenhamenr: Parent in Control and Back in Control. PIC is aimed at the younger kids, BIC is aimed at the teens, but you should really read both. Make your husband read them and make him treat all the kids the way the books suggest.

IMNSHO, Bodenhamer’s books should be required reading for anyone even thinking about having kids.

9

I am sure in my anger and hurt feelings I am making my husband come off as more of jerk than he is. He is an absolutely great husband and he has been so good for my son. He is definitely a better step-parent to him than I am to his kids but with his kids it’s like me against them with him as the referee most of the time.

I really do feel bad for the position he is in at times but I also don’t think I should allow some of what goes on to happen.

He tells me all the time that I need to be the one to discipline the kids sometimes because (and he is right on this) I normally leave it up to him when it comes to his kids. I will go “report” to him what they have done rather than handle it myself just as I would with my other two children. I shouldn’t do that.

He is a good guy and worth every minute of hassle but I’m just getting to the end of my rope in dealing with these kids.

He is a very even keel kind of person and hates confrontation and I think that is why he lets a lot of things slide when it comes to the ex and his mother. He would rather bite his tongue than rock the boat.

I, on the other hand, am very vocal and tend to let my emotions get the better of me.

10

I don’t think you are wrong to feel as you feel (by a long shot, from what it sounds like), but I think you’re wrong to think this is a battle that you can win (and still have your husband). My only suggestion would be to bury yourself in books on how to deal w/that which you can’t change, yoga, I dunno – anything that can help you adjust and not feel so annoyed. I think the healthiest thing for your marriage* is to just accept what is (when it comes to his kids) and try to minimize the strain on yourself.

*I don’t necessarily think this is the best thing for YOU, but I don’t think that’s what you’re asking about here