The other “thank you” thread reminded me of a question that’s nagged at me for a couple of decades now.
I remember reading a book – I believe it was either Joy in the Morning or Maggie-Now, both by Betty Smith (the author of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn) and both taking place in the very early '20s – where an older woman paid a compliment to the young heroine, something like, “You have beautiful hair.” The heroine replied “Thank you,” whereupon the other woman was taken aback, responding snippily, “Well! You certainly like yourself, don’t you?”
Admittedly I read these books twenty years ago so my memory may be mistaken about the details of the interaction. But the essentials are there: after a compliment, the woman said “thank you” and the complimenter was aghast at the other woman’s immodesty in accepting the compliment. Oh, and if it matters, I believe this took place in the midwest, whereas the heroine was IIRC a transplanted Brooklynite.
So was this ever the case? And if so, what was the acceptable response? Were people (probably women) supposed to bow their heads meekly and issue a murmured “oh, no,” of self-deprecation or something?
In oh-so-correct times saying “thank you” to a compliment was considered equivalent to, “Well, I see you noticed how wonderful I am.” A more appropriate response would be a slight blush and the muttered comment, “Oh, it’s so nice of you to say so” or something similarly demure.
Then again, in some circles a compliment was considered a personal remark and inappropriate, because it implied that the speaker was in the habit of evaluating the person who was the object of the compliment. “Oh, you’re looking radiant today!” Well, then, how did she look yesterday?
In 2011 of course, all manners are out the window so you can say any damn thing you want and everyone else is supposed to be grateful for your honesty.
Mine own opinion was that this was a device added by the author (perhaps based somewhat on real conventions) to inject some humor into the story. I’ve seen it done in other media to a more obvious degree.
Oh definitely, the latter is what I’m used to in Victorian novels; people were always saying “please forgive me a personal remark, but you’re looking lovely today” or something similar.
I’d love to find a good etiquette book that refers to such things. Actually several years ago I picked up a vintage book called The Habits of Good Society, which I believe is circa 1860 (and was an invaluable research book for a historical writer), which would almost certainly include “how to accept compliments.” In fact, now that I think about it, I remember a recommendation that women not even acknowledge a compliment from a man who was not a very close friend; she was just supposed to “cut” him by looking away and ignoring the personal remark). Unfortunately I’m not at home and don’t have access to the book right now.
I think there are ways around that, though. Usually what I’ll do (being someone with crippling low self-esteem at times) is say “Thank you so much” (genuinely surprised) “but I had so much difficulty getting my hair that way/writing the book, this was pretty much a total fluke” (or some other way to defuse the impression that I always look that good/write that well/whatever the subject of the compliment was). It’s a bit of a balancing act; I want to accept the compliment gratefully, but not make the other person think that I actually believe that I deserve the praise, because usually I soooo don’t. And yet I also don’t want the complimenter to regret having said anything at all by dismissing his/her remarks.
Funnily enough, I used to be better at accepting praise. When I was a little kid who performed in school shows, I remember my mom telling me that other parents had commented to her about how gracious, sincere and polite I was in accepting compliments, as opposed to the other kids.
Hmmm, I’d need to reread the book to consider this aspect. Knowing the themes of her novels, I’d be more inclined to say that Smith was using this as an example of the heroine being more open and ingenuous than the others around her; the author used the “fish out of water whose naivete and belief in others’ good motives is shaken by the duplicitousness/guile/cruelty of those around her” a lot in her characterizations of her heroines.
Rules on accepting compliments are a weird thing. I don’t think I ever heard that saying “Thank You” in response to one in the South was ever considered anything less than good form. Disputing a compliment in any form is considered bad etiquette even in many circles even today (e.g. “Oh, You mean this old thing?”) because it implies the complimenter doesn’t have a good eye or taste.
I have heard that in some Middle Eastern societies that if someone compliments something you own, you are obliged to give it to them on the spot. I have no idea how widespread that is but apparently it is the official custom in some cultures.
