At least! They might even detect the “God particle”. 
Late to this, but that comment was not a compliment and was completely inappropriate.
So can Lisa.
Which is maybe the fundamental point here.
Never Mind
Edited to match your nevermind!
Vbob could shave his beard and that would work, but he’s not the one doing anything wrong. His choice to wear a beard causes harm to exactly nobody, and other people are being jerks about it.
Textbook victim blaming.
I really think the key is not to make personal remarks to anyone that you don’t already know very well, and maybe not even then unless maybe they have remarked on the topic themselves. Thing is you do not know the other person’s feelings or reasons. I have lost quite a bit of weight lately, and it’s not a reason for complements; I had open heart surgery and am taking longer to recover than I had hoped.
As far as the notion that the speaker’s intention is a factor, RUBBISH. They are saying things that might be painful to hear so they should just not say them. No personal remarks, period. We all need to train those folks to understand that they are wrong in believing that their intentions make things ok to say. Just tell them. No, I am not getting thin on purpose; I had surgery.
Sending you my best wishes for full and speedy healing.
This can be done about a person’s appearance if it’s a legitimate appreciation of their efforts. Case in point: There’s a checkout clerk at a grocery store I sometimes go to, very Goth in makeup and attire, and the first time I went through her line, as she was ringing up my stuff I complimented her on what a pulled-together effect she’d achieved, particularly her necklace, which delighted her. She complimented me back on my jacket (it’s a distinctive orange and black abstract camo pattern that lots of people seem to find cool), we parted with smiles, and we smile again whenever we see each other.
Of course, it helps that I’m a gray-haired, somewhat frumpy old woman, so there’s no worries she’d take such compliments as a pass.
Again, if you’re going to comment on someone’s appearance, address your compliment to something that’s a matter of their choice (“that’s a lovely color”; “wow, your braids are so cool”) and you should be okay. Oh, and don’t make it a prelude to seeking something from them – that invalidates the sincerity of the compliment, makes it merely the opening bid in a transaction.
Even then: context matters.
To a co-worker on break, while you’re waiting in the lunch line? Probably OK; especially if it’s clear that it’s not a pass, or if unclear is the first time you’ve said something that can be taken so and you cheerfully accept being shut down if that’s what happens. In the middle of the business meeting, at which they’re making a serious presentation? Absolutely out of line.
Absolutely. Context is an important part of the gestalt of complimenting someone.
So is sincerity. You need to mean the appreciation, with no transactional expectation of a return on your investment.
ETA: It also helps, when complimenting someone of the opposite sex, to be so old and frumpy it’s clear it couldn’t possibly be a pass.
You and I have a lot in common. When my beard turned all white it was a nice change from being described as an axe murderer. Most of the comments from people don’t bother me. On the other hand if you get close enough to see my perma-scowl you’re not likely to confuse me for that guy just because of the beard.
Thanks very much. I have a problem whenever I have surgery: I can’t seem to eat. Of course that impedes healing. Working on it. I’m generally pretty healthy so it always surprises me to take so long to get better.
Thank you, Johnny!
I could also not wear my favorite color red, and cease to be jolly.
As it happens, the beard has some medical AND spiritual significance.
My advisors tell me to roll with it and/or let it roll off - particular as my one-bad-day rejoinder of ‘Aunt Jemima - haven’t seen you in ages’ could be considered as suicidal.
The COMMENTS are so often sarcastic or mean-spirited. The occasional small child will sometimes just stop & stare dumbstruck - I can be gracious enough to ‘lay a finger aside of my nose, and give a nod’ and a wink…
I haven’t encountered much of that. Perhaps because getting a good look at me would dissuade people from such comments. But I would smile at a child any time.
This thread seems like a good place to ask: What is the right/best way to deal with a continuous pattern of unwanted, unfiltered personal comments?
Suppose you have some physical feature or something about you that people tend to notice the first time they meet you, and a proportion of those people lack the self-restraint to keep the inside thought inside their head. Let’s say that happens on a daily, maybe multiple-times-daily frequency.
They’re always new people saying it, so there’s nothing you can do to preclude or forestall it.
Even if you do correct the foot-in-mouth syndrome of the current case, it doesn’t help, because fresh idiots will come tomorrow.
Because it keeps on happening, your level of cumulative frustration and annoyance is very likely to be greater in magnitude than the actual offence level of any individual incident where it happens, so if you react and respond naturally, it is likely to seem out of proportion with the incident.
And yet, because it keeps on happening, your irritation and grievance continues to escalate. ‘Let it go’ or ‘just ignore it’ just adds injury to insult - not only are you subject to abuse, but you, the victim, are also the person who must go to extra lengths to cope with it.
What’s the solution? Is there even a solution?
The best solution I’ve seen is a joke response that is a mild put down to the person making the comment but mild enough that the person has to laugh along.
I personally don’t have the skill to pull it off. Done badly it is a sarcastic response that is too harsh for the circumstance.
Closest I came was in the day when my daughter, adopted from China, was still a preschooler, and we were on vacation on a beach in Florida gulf coast. A women came up and asked where she’s from. I was getting tired of people asking and she was old enough to understand she was being talked about. I answered “Chicago.”
The woman got the message and clearly felt terrible after. Turns out her adult daughter was on a waitlist for adopting from China and I got chastised by my wife later for being rude.
Bottom line I don’t think there’s a likely path that wins.
Some years ago, I had a farm intern whose mother was African American, and whose father was an immigrant from Iran. The intern herself had been born and brought up in the same state that I’m in, about an hour’s drive away.
One day there were a couple of fairly young men here working on something I’d had to hire done, I’ve forgotten what. What I remember is them looking at Intern, looking at each other, and then going off in a low-voiced muttering huddle from which one of them emerged to ask her: “Where are you from?” With just about that emphasis, and a clear degree of confusion.
She replied, with a perfectly straight face and a bright sunny smile, "[Local town!]
– and managed to somehow get into that, without saying another word, ‘As that’s the only reasonable question you might possibly have been asking, you’d better pretend that’s what you meant.’
Neither of them had the nerve to follow up. I had trouble keeping a straight face, and am not sure that I managed it.
@Mangetout, I don’t know whether you can come up with some response to the particular issue that will make it clear they said the wrong thing while letting them pivot to something else; and rehearse it, so that that’s what comes out of your mouth. Possibly in a tone of voice that makes it clear that it’s had to come out of your mouth many times before.
Maybe “Yes, I’ve noticed” in a tone of extreme boredom?
A minute and a half. Puts a pretty fine point on it:
