Was this the right thing to do? (Calling cops on a weird guy)

[Asimovian]

@Pabitel

Calling the police every time you feel ooky is not a rational reaction to the world.

This is the kind of exaggeration I’m talking about. Nothing about this particular incident as described says to me that the OP calls the police on a regular basis, or even occasionally. Then you go here (with my bolding added):

Expecting the police to show up and inspect any adult you don’t approve of, just because they are using the same public space as your kids, is nuts.

Having that expectation might—and I do say might—be a bridge too far. But that is a different thing from calling a non-emergency number, explaining what you’re seeing, and letting the police themselves make a determination about whether or not they needed to act. If the OP had insisted the police had come out (particularly if it had been after the police had stated it wasn’t warranted), then I might be more inclined to agree with you. But none of that appears to have taken place here. The OP (as far as I’m reading) reported an observation and left it up to the judgment of law enforcement. It may not have been necessary here if more interaction had taken place with the individual first. But it’s OK to ask law enforcement to make their own professional assessment of the situation, too.

Also, this:

You don’t get to call the cops on people who make you feel ooky.

is just factually incorrect. But yes, it you do it frequently AND it is frequently unwarranted, you’re going to have a problem at some point. There’s nothing in the OP to suggest anything approaching that.

[msmith537]

@Dangerosa

2. Even if he had no kids on the playground himself, he has a right to hang out in a playground and talk to kids (unless he’s on a sex abuser registry or something). It might not be wise, but it isn’t illegal to talk to someone else’s kid. Chances are pretty high that all the cops can do is talk to him - in which case they scare him to a different hunting ground - if he’s a pedophile - or you’ve ruined an innocent man’s weekend.

Technically that might not be true, depending on your local laws. In some places adults are not permitted in playground areas unless they are with a child.

I’m not sure if it’s a law in NJ where I live. It doesn’t seem like it’s enforced if you and a couple of dudes are using the monkeybars for Cross Fit training. Or you and your wife decide to act like little kids and play on the equipment.

But even if it’s not a law, talking to a bunch of little kids without at least introducing yourself to their parents is a pretty big social faux pas.

[MandaJo]

One reason to call the police would just to find out if there was a known problem. There was a weird lady hanging out at my local playground 2 Sundays in a row. She was older, apparently alone, and was wandering around showing kids her upper thigh tatoo and something written on a piece of paper. She asked the kids a question in a language that was not English. It wasn’t threatening, but it was really, really weird–she wouldn’t talk to me, or any adult. If you asked me what she was doing, I honestly think she was trying to cast a spell or something–it was really out of the normal.

If she’d been there a third Sunday in a row, I might have called someone just to find out if they knew what was up, or if her behavior matched any reports. Both times she was there, I took my son and left after watching her for a while–it was just too weird, and while I agree the chances of her snatching a kid and making a run for it were slim, they were a lot higher than with people that do not seem really fixated on kids.

[kayaker]

So, creepy guy returns home.

Noticing his long face, his wife asks, “Awwww, babe, did the other parents call the cops on you again?”

[even_sven]

The police are professionals at investigating a situation, assessing risk and deciding what to do. The OP was perfectly fine in calling them when encountering a suspicious situation.

[Just_Asking_Questions]

@even_sven

The police are professionals at investigating a situation, assessing risk and deciding what to do.

Hahaha.

Oh, wait, you’re serious? I’ll laugh even harder.

[Velocity]

@even_sven

The police are professionals at investigating a situation, assessing risk and deciding what to do. The OP was perfectly fine in calling them when encountering a suspicious situation.

This sort of evasive shift-the-burden-of-sorting-it-out argument can be used in myriad number of ways to harass people or satisfy inner prejudice. See black teenager wearing hoodie at night? Call the cops. Someone’s tattoo and body piercings make one feel uncomfortable? Call the cops, let them sort it out.
I don’t mean ***you ***personally, but there are some people in the world today who use calling the cops as a form of legal harassment of people they don’t like.

[delphica]

Possibly not enough info, but the biggest thing to me is that the OP didn’t just ASK “which one of these little goobers is yours?” because that is the #1 small talk option to go with when you have to chat up other adults at a playground.

I’m wondering how the other interactions would have looked to you if you HAD asked this and learned that his kid was there. A lot of this sounds like it could be a parent trying to encourage his shy kid to engage with other children.

I’m trying to say this in a neutral way, and I don’t mean it as a personal attack, but a parent who didn’t ask that question up front doesn’t strike me as an accurate reporter about whether another adult’s behavior is odd or not. Maybe you are both behaving oddly.

You mentioned that he went to the drums when your kid was already there (and do you know if his own kid was interested in the drums?), but for all these other interactions you observed (the dog, the ice cream) … did he initiate them out of the blue? Or did other kids come up when his kid was looking at the dog? I get that you don’t know, because you didn’t know if he had a child with him, but that brings me back to the initial question of why you didn’t ask. It seems like important information that would have helped you make a better assessment on the spot.

Left Hand of Dorkness said:

A stranger who strikes up a chatty conversation with kids at a park without doing at least a visual check-in with the responsible adult is not, I think, acting responsibly.

which I’m not entirely sure I agree with, but I get the point – if it is the adult who is doing the striking up. But when I’m sitting on a bench while my kid is playing, and other random kids come up to me and ask me questions, I’ll answer them like a normal person but don’t feel any need to identify their adult. (Unless maybe they are VERY small or have special needs, and it seems to be a situation that makes me think they have wandered off from an adult who doesn’t know where they are.)

[elbows]

Most importantly, if you’d just patiently observed for a while, none if this would have happened. Or if you’d done absolutely nothing. His innocence and his child would have been revealed.

[48Willys]

IMHO, The OP of this tread overreacted. The least they should have done is ask the fellow which kid was his. They had already engaged him in conversation. Just ask for goodness sake! Barring that, just wait & watch, it will become obvious who his kid is. Get a grip!

[slash2k]

@elbows

Most importantly, if you’d just patiently observed for a while, none if this would have happened. Or if you’d done absolutely nothing. His innocence and his child would have been revealed.

Based on the OP’s telling, he DID observe the guy for quite awhile, and his innocence (and kid) were not revealed.

The cops are getting paid to figure out if the ooky guy is really a threat. I’m not. The cops are usually well aware of who in the community is merely eccentric and who’s a bad 'un. I’m not. The cops may not always make great decisions, but I think generally they’re more likely to make informed decisions than I am, precisely because they see more of life than I do. (Your local law enforcement may vary; certainly there are some not-good cops in my locale, but overall I think the local department is reasonably decent.)

Were I in the OP’s shoes, I might have asked the guy which kid was his, but otherwise I think the idea of asking law enforcement for their judgment is reasonable, particularly since this behavior apparently went on for awhile. (OP: how much time passed between when you first noticed him and when you called the police?)

[Randolph]

I’m guessing that the twist ending here is that OP’s less-observant mostly-bench-sitting eavesdropping childless snitch ‘friend’ was the pedophile all along!

Also, that there were two timelines.

[RivkahChaya]

OP, you say you are sometimes a little awkward socially yourself, so I’ll clue you in here: it it perfectly normal and acceptable for one parent to say to another “So, which one’s yours?” and the reason isn’t because you are making sure that person has a kid there; there are many reasons. One is that it is polite to say “Aww, she’s a cutie,” or something along those lines (even if she isn’t), and to find a potential one-time playmate for your child if they happen to be the same age (in the under five park-- kids older than that don’t appreciate being set up be their parents). Another is just as an opening for a little adult chit-chat-- “that’s a fun age”; “wait until they don’t stop talking,” etc.

The main reason for asking the question usually isn’t to check to make sure that the person actually has a child there, but if just this one time, that’s your ulterior motive, so what? If, or when, he points to his kid, you say “How old?” without missing a beat.

Some people think they are being cool by acting like little kids themselves, like they haven’t lost that child-like aspect of themselves. It’s not cool, it’s creepy. An adult talking to a four-year-old like he’s another four-year-old is just as wrong as an adult talking to a teenager like he’s another teenager, and making lame sex jokes with them. The difference is the teenagers know it’s creepy and move away. Little kids are just confused.

Now, there’s the remote possibility the guy’s kid had a social anxiety disorder, or mild autism, and the guy had to get down on his knees and model social behavior for his kid, and create openings for his kid. I’ve seen this, and parents who can do it well are heros. The fact that this guy was creeping adults out means that IF that’s what he was doing, he’s not doing it right, yet.

Still, I’d say, since you asked, you did an information gathering FAIL. But I was not there. I can come up with several things I think I think I would have done differently, and even a couple of rationalizations for the guy’s behavior, but again, I was not actually there. I don’t know about other little details like his personal hygiene, or his Teletubbies T-shirt, or little details that may have contributed to the big picture.

It’s over, and all you can do it try to learn from it.

[RivkahChaya]

@Randolph

I’m guessing that the twist ending here is that OP’s less-observant mostly-bench-sitting eavesdropping childless snitch ‘friend’ was the pedophile all along!

No more SVU for you.

[Tom_Tildrum]

I don’t think we ever found out: Gedd, what did the man say to your kid while at the drum toy?

[joyfool]

@Gedd

See, this is the kind of thing I was looking for. Constructive criticism.

I can agree that in hindsight asking him if he had a kid would probably have been better than assuming he didn’t based on his behavior.

Thanks. Good on you for considering your actions and trying to figure out how to improve for next time. Your child undoubtedly is very lucky that your being so conscientious. Hang in there.

[Saint_Cad]

@msmith537

There is generally a social convention for adults to not go up to a stranger’s children and engage with them.

And that is why I think the OP did right. If I’m at the park with my son and he talks to a guy, not a problem. If the guy GOES UP TO MY SON while playing then that is an issue.

[Nametag]

These days, many a call to the police will end with someone getting shot. I won’t call the police for any behavior where that’s not a reasonable ending.

[kbear]

@even_sven

The police are professionals at investigating a situation, assessing risk and deciding what to do. The OP was perfectly fine in calling them when encountering a suspicious situation.

I actually think it was a bit unprofessional and overkill to send three cars. The assumption should have been that there was probably nothing wrong with the guy but no harm in checking him out discretely. Sending three cars for what was didn’t seem to be an immediate threat (since at least three parents were keeping an eye on him) put a big red flag over this guy that he’ll be a while shaking off.

Sadly, in this day and age he probably should have been a little more aware of how his behaviour was being interpreted and been sure to make it clear he did have a child with him at the park.

Probably a bit of an over reaction but hindsight is a wonderful thing. My girls have been exposed to a pedophile before so I may have been a little hypersensitive to the guy’s behaviour as well.

[Sunny_Daze]

OP - in retrospect, after half the thread pointed out ways you could have interacted with the man yourself, maybe you could have done more before placing the call but don’t kick yourself too hard. A friend of mine used to say his kid was like having a million dollars in cash, just walking around, with no defenses. Only it’s even worse than that - it’s your kid.

Anyway, you did watch him, and his behavior seemed off. Other people thought so too. No one else thought of this magic “who’s your kid” question. Even more interesting, while you were all watching him, it wasn’t obvious which kid was his, which is kind of weird. It means that he wasn’t that connected to that kid. He was paying attention to other kids. You did call the police, but you didn’t call 911. I think that was appropriate too. 3 cars isn’t that ridiculous either. 1 officer per car. Lots of people around. They actually really, really don’t want things to get out of control in a park with kids around, so they’ll send more than one person.

My vote - learning experience, but considering the stakes, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this.