Way Too Much Cayenne, A Little Help Please?

Being a frugal gourmet, I purchased a pound bag of really hot cayenne the other day. Last night, in the midst of building a stir-fry, I decided it needed a touch of heat. I opened the new bag of cayenne and instead of decanting it into the shaker, I gently wafted it over the wok. A gentle waft of a one pound bag dispenses considerably more cayenne than a shaker. I decided to tough it out rather than throw it out and suffered considerable pain and ended up bloating myself on milk.

Anyway, that part is over, leaving one minor detail for today. I’m afraid to use the toilet, really afraid, so afraid, I may never be able to go again!

My embarassed plea then, is advice on what may sufficiently coat my alimentary canal to ease the passage of last night’s stir-fry.

Alimentary, Watson.

Milk/other dairy stuff is about the only thing that gets rid of the burn once it starts, but to limit the burn of exhaust, two things generally help for me. Eat a lot of bread or, and what I prefer, is something that gives me the trotski’s. A gush of liquid fire seems to limit the exposure time and makes it more bearable than a couple of flaming yule logs.

I’ve also been known to have a washcloth in a cup of ice water nearby to cool the pipes in between bursts.

I’m not aware of anything that will reduce the burn to a comfy level, so I just try and get it over with as quickly as possible. The cost of good eatin’.

How about ice suppositories? Or maybe a nice popsicle sodomy? Chill, baby, chill.

BAND NAME!!!

Wish I could help, but the damage is done; you’re gonna be suffering from Johnny Cash Syndrome (“ring of fire”) tomorrow. HOWEVER…

Next time, when you’re cooking and put too much hot stuff in there, add a bit of sugar. Not much; about as much as you’d add salt, just a tiny palmful (for those of us who measure by hand). The sugar will help neutralize the acids that make it uncomfortably spicy, in effect “toning it down” a bit.

You know, spicy foods have never caused me any discomfort upon exit of my body, and I eat a lot of hot food - vindaloo, lamb fall, jalapenos…I even ate a habanero once on a dare, and though my mouth was burning for over an hour I didn’t experience any discomfort from subsequent bowel movements. I guess I’m just lucky that way, I guess it makes up from the discomfort caused by lumpy hard turds I used to get due to my IBS (I take metamucil twice daily now and the problems are pretty much gone).

I posted this yesterday, but it seems to have been lost: Tucks Pads. Very, very helpful.