So I’m in a bit of an awkward situation. I eloped a couple of months ago, and my mother wants to send out wedding announcements to family and friends. This is all well and good, but there’s one angle I haven’t been able to figure out. One of my friends lives with my most recent ex. I would like to send the announcement to this friend, but I don’t know if I should send one to my ex. We’re on reasonably good terms, but for any number of (understandable) reasons I don’t think he’s very happy with the whole situation. This makes the situation delicate, to say the least. So here’s how I see it breaking down:
I don’t send announcements to either of them. Either they won’t care, or they’ll feel left out and be offended.
I send one to my friend, but not my ex. I’m afraid it will seem like a deliberate snub, and that’s really not what I’m after. I like being on good terms with him, and I’d like to keep it that way.
I send announcements to both of them. In this case, I think it won’t be a big deal, unless my ex either takes it as a) rubbing it in his face, or b) fishing for gifts. Neither one is intended, but he’s not really the sort to ask for clarification.
Ultimately, there’s a chance for a bad reaction in any of these, but I’d like to minimize my risk. Any advice?
My guess would be that it depends on how recent an ex this is.
If it’s been over a year I’d say he just has to deal with it. If you dumped him last week and ran away with his best friend to get hitched I think a little understanding may be called for.
This friend and your ex are merely roommates, not lovers, right?
I just want to clarify that you aren’t considering addressing an announcement to only one-half a couple, as that would definitely be a no-no.
Frankly, I don’t think there’s an “etiquette” associated with this – it’s just a matter of what you think is best under the circumstances. If you’re on such good terms with the ex and the friend he lives with is someone you’d really like to know you got married, why not just PHONE them to share the good news?! Then you could casually mention how your mother is insisting you send out formal announcements so he (she?) should be expecting one in the mail shortly. Then, just address it to everyone in the household, each full name on a separate line.
You might also consider sending your friend a short note, as opposed to an announcement, letting her (him?) know you’re now married and adding something like “best to you and Joe” or “tell Joe I said ‘hi’.”
Announcements are supposed to be a handy way to let a bunch of people know you’ve married, when time or circumstances mean you don’t have time to notify everyone personally. But they may not be appropriate in every case – like yours, where someone might take receiving one (or not receiving one) the wrong way. It’s always correct to let people know personal news by letter.
No, they are not lovers. Roommates and close friends, nothing more.
They are both aware of my marriage already. It would be really awkward on everyone’s part, I think, if I were to call them about the announcements. I’m on the phone as little as possible, and they’d be weirded out if I called them (or did anything else that far out of character).
Sending one with both names may be what I end up doing… I’m just secretly hoping that there’s some grand solution out there that I’m not seeing yet.
Ok, forgive a stupid question, but I thought the purpose of sending announcements was to announce the fact that you’ve gotten married to those who may not know. If these people already know about it, what purpose does sending a formal announcement serve, exactly? In this case, you’re right that it could be (and probably would be) construed to be a solicitation for gifts. At least that’s how I’d take it if I received a formal announcement from someone I already knew had gotten married.
How do my finance and I go about sending invites that tactfully say “No guests allowed”? We’re strapped for seating, and while we’d like to invite certain people, we just don’t have room for their guests (unless other people cancel).
ResIpsaLoquitor, you simply address the invitation to ONLY those people in the household who are invited, or, if you’re inviting a single person and you do want them to be able to bring a date (which you don’t have to do!), include the words ‘And Guest’ along with their name. When you receive replies, if they indicate that they’re bringing someone other than those who are specifically invited, just express your sincere regrets that more space isn’t available to accomodate additional guests. And be FIRM about it. If they refuse to come if so-and-so isn’t allowed, then thank them and tell them how very much you’ll miss them.
And if your mother (or future mother-in-law) are accepting replies on your behalf, be sure that they’re aware of this, as well. And stress the extreme importance of not backing down to bullies who try to be insistent.
I know it sounds harsh, but weddings are so expensive and people who don’t respect that are just plain rude.
Well, part of the motivation in sending out formal announcements to friends as well as family is rumor control. There seems to be a pesky rumor going around that I never got married and that for whatever reason we’re just saying that’s why we went to Vegas. (Or, alternately, we never went to Vegas at all.) This, quite frankly, makes absolutely no sense to me, but it’s persistent, as rumors tend to be.
Given this, I figured that adding friends to the list of people receiving the announcements would clear up said rumor as much as I reasonably can. Now, add into account that virtually every choice I’ve made regarding my marriage has resulted in a significant number of people telling us that they’ve felt left out/hurt/neglected or what have you, I’m trying to minimize recurrences of bad feelings. If I send it to some people and not others, I’ll get another 10 people coming to me saying that I don’t love them anymore because they didn’t get one and Bob did. (Okay, it’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I think you get the idea.)
Well, part of the motivation in sending out formal announcements to friends as well as family is rumor control. There seems to be a pesky rumor going around that I never got married and that for whatever reason we’re just saying that’s why we went to Vegas. (Or, alternately, we never went to Vegas at all.) This, quite frankly, makes absolutely no sense to me, but it’s persistent, as rumors tend to be.
Given this, I figured that adding friends to the list of people receiving the announcements would clear up said rumor as much as I reasonably can. Now, add into account that virtually every choice I’ve made regarding my marriage has resulted in a significant number of people telling us that they’ve felt left out/hurt/neglected or what have you, I’m trying to minimize recurrences of bad feelings. If I send it to some people and not others, I’ll get another 10 people coming to me saying that I don’t love them anymore because they didn’t get one and Bob did. (Okay, it’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I think you get the idea.)
Ok, first of all, people who would resort to gossiping behind your back are not friends, whether you wish they were or not.
That out of the way, not being sure why you give a flying fig what non-friends are whispering about behind your back, if you’re that concerned that close friends and loved-ones will feel slighted and you’re doing this to stave off potential bad feelings, then just send the announcement to your friend and your ex. It really doesn’t matter in the slightest whether you send one, addressed to both people at the same address, or send two separate ones.
Personally, I think you’re making waaaaaaaaay too big a deal out of this and it’s just silly. You’re never going to make all of the people happy all of the time. Just do what you feel is right in your heart and forget about it. If you cause some unitended hurt feelings along the way, apologize profusely and invite the person out to lunch to catch up, show off wedding pictures, etc. If petty gossips won’t shut up, just ignore them! They have no significance on your marriage and happiness anyway (unless you allow them to!). And if your ex is somehow hurt or offended that you included him in the announcements, oh well, he’ll get over it, I’m sure. I mean really – how important is an ex lover in your life, anyway?? (HINT: He should not be important at all. You’re married now!)
If you wish to invite a single friend and his or her guest, the correct method is to ask the friend whom he or she would like to bring, and send an invitation to that person, by name.
Otherwise, I’m with you, Shayna. WHY OH WHY can’t people understand that if their name is not on the invitation, they’re not invited? And that if they come when they did not receive an invitation addressed to them by name, they are clods of the first order?
Yeah, I can see why that would be a better solution, Scarlett. I didn’t really have to deal with that aspect of the invitations because at first we weren’t going to have anyone bring a guest at all. We had decided on a very small wedding – wanting to limit the attendance to around 50 – and had already invited around 80 people (knowing some would be unable to attend, as they live overseas). Sadly, we had a lot more regrets from Thomas’s Danish friends than we expected, so after invitations had already gone out we realized we had plenty of room for dates if our single friends wanted to bring someone. Those “invitations” were extended by phone and only involved 3 people, two of whom took us up on the offer and brought someone, the other one did not. Everyone else had a significant other whose name was on the invitation anyway, so I didn’t have a whole gaggle of single folk to concern myself with regarding this one piece of etiquette, anyway.
OTOH, I almost didn’t have my cousins at my wedding because I invited only my cousin, her husband and their two pre-teen children (ages 9 and 12, IIRC) and not their infant child. After telling my cousin that I was sorry I didn’t want babies at my wedding, my aunt then phoned to plead her case – the baby was really good and I should be assured she wouldn’t cry out at all and disrupt the ceremony (riiiiiiight). And of course I shouldn’t concern myself with my cousin missing any of the fun at the reception for having to take the baby aside to feed or to tend to if it cried – why, someone else could pitch in, too (and miss the fun at the reception!).
No! The baby is not invited. I’m sorry. I will miss whichever one of them (either my cousin or her husband) who will stay home with the child, but I simply do not want any of my guests disturbed by a baby at my wedding and reception, nor do I want anyone else to have to leave the party to take care of said baby. It wasn’t an “adults only” party, as the other children were gladly included. I just drew the line at infants.
Shayna, we did the same thing about infants and small children. It’s made some people not attend, but we decided that we’re OK with it. For some closer family members, we offered a room as a babysitting center if they wanted to hire professional sitters.
Scarlett67 said, “WHY OH WHY can’t people understand that if their name is not on the invitation, they’re not invited? And that if they come when they did not receive an invitation addressed to them by name, they are clods of the first order?”
I totally agree with you, but you would be surprised at how many people don’t know this or just don’t care. Part of this may be cultural, some of this ignorance, and unfortunately, some are just rude. We had one person decide to invite another family despite knowing that we had space concerns. Without even telling us until it “accidentally” came up in conversation. We had to actually put “____ of ____ will attend” on our response cards. I hated doing it but it had to be clear.
